Your guide to picking a favorite Premier League team

quote:

---

If you’re a Duke fan, or if you hate Piers Morgan, your team is: Manchester United

Manchester United is the untouchable dynasty of the modern day Premier League — in the 21 seasons since the inception of the league, United has won the title 13 times, and has never finished outside of the top 3. They play in arguably the best stadium in the country, and although the club is in transition following the retirement of legendary manager Sir Alex Ferguson, the Red Devils are title contenders yet again this season. Plus, ace striker Robin van Persie — who left Arsenal for United last year

---

quote:

---

If you’re an unapologetic Yankees fan, or if you own a private island, your team is: Manchester City

Since Manchester City was bought in 2008 by the Abu Dhabi United Group, ownership has spent well over £1 billion transforming the roster into one that could dominate the Premier League. Man City won the title in 2011-12, sputtered to a second-place finish last season (which cost the manager his job), and spent a ton more money on fantastic new players this summer. There’s a lot of pressure that comes with being a Man City fan — it’s title or bust every season.

---

quote:

---

If you can spend hours poring over your high school yearbook, your team is: Chelsea

In 2005, wildly charismatic manager Jose Mourinho (center) lead Chelsea to a second consecutive Premier League title. Mourinho eventually fell out of favor with ownership and left to win titles in Italy and Spain, but HE’S BACK, and now Chelsea fans are expecting a new era of dominance.

---

quote:

---

If you think Bill Russell is a better basketball player than Michael Jordan because he won more titles, your team is: Liverpool

Liverpool is, historically, the most successful club in England — having won the English title 18 times (second only to Manchester United), and the Champions League five times — but Liverpool’s never actually won the Premier League, with the team’s last domestic title coming in 1990. Liverpool is only for the most serious of Bostonians.

---

quote:

---

If you’re from rural Minnesota, your team is: Newcastle


Newcastle, in the far-flung north of England, is home to extremely dedicated fans with indecipherable accents, and also Senegalese striker Papiss Cissé, who can score goals like the one above.

---

quote:

---

If you drink Miller Lite for the value and have no complaints, your team is: Everton

The other team from Liverpool, Everton is full of hard-working overachievers who haven’t finished outside of the top 10 since 2006 — and just look at Marouane Fellaini’s hair.

---

quote:

---

If you drink gasoline because it puts hair on your chest, your team is: Stoke City

If Manchester City is the Ferrari of the league, Stoke is the 1984 Ford pickup truck that’s missing the rear-view mirror. It’s ugly, but it gets the job done.

---

quote:

---

If you’re a Cleveland Cavaliers fan who’s still mad about ‘The Decision,’ your team is: Arsenal

Arsenal is never bad and often plays some of the most attractive football in the league, but the team hasn’t won a trophy since 2005, and has a nasty habit of developing world class youngsters, then selling them off once they come of age. The aforementioned van Persie, for example, was the top scorer in the league, but requested to leave because he wanted to win silverware. Arsenal fans will remind you of this every time he scores.

---

quote:

---

If you’re the type of person who excitedly signs up for Fantasy Football each year but stops playing by Week 9, your team is: Tottenham

Tottenham challenged for a Champions League berth last year, almost entirely because of the contributions of Welsh wonder Gareth Bale, who scored 21 goals as a winger. His talent is so prodigious, Real Madrid may be willing to pay £100 million to bring Bale to Spain. If that happens, Tottenham will be able to buy a handful of talented replacements, but all signs point to another good-not-great finish.

---

quote:

---

If you want to feel like an American patriot while embracing something English, your team is: Crystal Palace

This is Kayla the bald eagle. Kayla serves as Crystal Palace’s live mascot. U-S-A, U-S-A!

---

quote:

---

If you consider Thriller to be the pinnacle of music, your team is: Fulham

Outside Fulham’s home ground, Craven Cottage, stands a giant statue of Michael Jackson, because Michael Jackson once attended a Fulham match. That’s all you need to know about Fulham.

---

quote:

---

If you just want the team with the coolest logo, or if your first cassette tape was U Cant Touch This, your team is: West Ham

The Hammers were founded by a group of ironworkers in 1895 (hence the name), and that nose-to-the-grindstone mentality has stuck around for a century. Striker Andy Carroll has great hair, too.

---

quote:

---

If you think bird-watching could be a pretty cool activity to get into, or if you’re not afraid to wear vibrant colors, your team is: Norwich City

After being promoted to the Premier League in 2011, the Norwich City Canaries stormed to an 11th place finish last year. Norwich is a good team to follow if you don’t want to be labeled a front-runner, but don’t want to resign yourself to picking a hopeless loser. The team also features the best player name in the Premier League, with the recent addition of Ricky van Wolfswinkel. Imagine stepping into the local pub with “van Wolfswinkel” on your back. It’s a scenario too good to pass up.

---

quote:

---

If you have a subscription to both GQ AND Esquire, your team is: Swansea City

It’s impossible for any play-by-play man to make it through a Swansea broadcast without using the word “swashbuckling.” One of the most carefree and entertaining teams to watch in the world, Swansea oozes style, even if doesn’t necessarily equate to wins. Even the manager looks like a model.

---

quote:

---

If you actually watch the Pro Bowl, your team is: Aston Villa

As a team, Aston Villa is pretty much irrelevant. Villa’s crown jewel, Christian Bentenke, however, scored 19 goals last season and emerged as one of the most dangerous strikers in the league. Though the team won’t win very often, Bentenke keeps things exciting.

---

quote:

---

If you buy generic cereal because “it tastes almost the same,” or if you have a three-part name like John David Booty, your team is: West Bromwich Albion

Since reemerging in the Premier League in 2010, West Brom has been the definition of mediocre: 39 wins, 26 draws, and 49 losses, with just over 1.3 goals scored per game. If you suffer from high-blood pressure, this team may actually be an alternative form of treatment.

---

quote:

---

If you’re from the Pacific Northwest, your team is: Southampton

In 127 years of existence, Southampton has captured just one major trophy — the 1976 FA Cup. Still, Saints fans are some of the best in the country, and star striker Rickie Lambert is just as lovable as Russell Wilson.

---

quote:

---

If you have Houston Astros season tickets, your team is: Hull City, Cardiff City, or Sunderland

You should probably steer clear of these league bottom-feeders, unless you’re a fully functional masochist. These teams will struggle all year, win six or seven games out of 38, and face a relegation battle by April.

---