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What to do for family member who is experiencing cognitive decline?
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:51 pm
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:51 pm
My father-in-law is experiencing pretty significant cognitive decline. He’s 75 years old and has kept himself in really good health over the years. He still run/walks three miles a day and has been at a healthy weight most of his life.
The past few years have taken a toll though. He’s down to 160 pounds at 6’3. But the cognitive issues have really ramped up.
My MIL told us that he doesn’t do anything without being directed to. He’s gotten to the point where he’s asking her for direction even with basic things like when to take a shower or when to eat. He can barely drive on his own, and even though he leaves by himself to go to stores, we believe he’s been getting a bit lost before finding the store he’s wanting to go to.
For reference, for those of you who live or have been in Birmingham, he was driving the other day and asked my MIL where to turn. She said to turn onto HWY 280. He didn’t know what HWY 280 was. He’s lived in Birmingham for 40 years.
The most difficult part is that he’s a self-made man, old school “alpha male” type, an early-retired upper executive for a major company. He’s very much still of the mindset that he should drive, pay the bills, take care of the house, and budget the money. He’s the very definition of pride.
But he’s getting forgetful with basic things and she doesn’t have a clue how to handle those things. She said she’s never paid a bill or scheduled house maintenance or seen their finances in the entire time they’ve been married.
I don’t think confronting the guy about his cognitive issues is going to go over well.
Anyone go through something like this? Any advice?
The past few years have taken a toll though. He’s down to 160 pounds at 6’3. But the cognitive issues have really ramped up.
My MIL told us that he doesn’t do anything without being directed to. He’s gotten to the point where he’s asking her for direction even with basic things like when to take a shower or when to eat. He can barely drive on his own, and even though he leaves by himself to go to stores, we believe he’s been getting a bit lost before finding the store he’s wanting to go to.
For reference, for those of you who live or have been in Birmingham, he was driving the other day and asked my MIL where to turn. She said to turn onto HWY 280. He didn’t know what HWY 280 was. He’s lived in Birmingham for 40 years.
The most difficult part is that he’s a self-made man, old school “alpha male” type, an early-retired upper executive for a major company. He’s very much still of the mindset that he should drive, pay the bills, take care of the house, and budget the money. He’s the very definition of pride.
But he’s getting forgetful with basic things and she doesn’t have a clue how to handle those things. She said she’s never paid a bill or scheduled house maintenance or seen their finances in the entire time they’ve been married.
I don’t think confronting the guy about his cognitive issues is going to go over well.
Anyone go through something like this? Any advice?
This post was edited on 10/28/22 at 2:52 pm
32
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:53 pm to StringedInstruments
Keep him away from the nuclear codes.
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:54 pm to StringedInstruments
Introduce him to the Poli & OT boards
This post was edited on 10/28/22 at 2:55 pm
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:55 pm to StringedInstruments
As he gone to see the doctor?
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:55 pm to StringedInstruments
quote:
father-in-law
Let your wife handle it.
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:56 pm to StringedInstruments
dude my dad currently has Late stage Dementia and Lewy Body Disease, and it has gotten really bad the last few years. i wish i could say it could get better, and it may - but the decline is unstoppable, and i fear if my dad makes it another year it would be a miracle.
we engage him on what roads he is on when we are riding around, and gauging his awareness - but he forgets questions he has asked 3 mins earlier.
** Edit - to more in the point of what your asking, confronting him is not going to be easy - my dad gets belligerent with my mom when she says he cant do something the VA hospital says, but if he gets bad i drive over and calm him down. the discussion needs to happen, no matter the outcome. he is going to get upset, because no person wants to admit they can't do the things they used to - and admitting it, comes across as a sign of weakness - i see it with my dad in regards to walking without his walker, or wanting to drive, or to do a lot of manual things that his balance doesn't really allow.
for your MIL, it is best for you all to sit down and look at their finances and help get a feel for where everything is, and to help her as best you can.
just be there for both of them and help in any way you can, because trust me - it gets a lot harder as time goes on, and things progress - but setting up your MIL with a good support base now will pay vast dividends later on.
i wish you and yours all the best man - it is a sad and depressing time to see someone decline like that.
we engage him on what roads he is on when we are riding around, and gauging his awareness - but he forgets questions he has asked 3 mins earlier.
** Edit - to more in the point of what your asking, confronting him is not going to be easy - my dad gets belligerent with my mom when she says he cant do something the VA hospital says, but if he gets bad i drive over and calm him down. the discussion needs to happen, no matter the outcome. he is going to get upset, because no person wants to admit they can't do the things they used to - and admitting it, comes across as a sign of weakness - i see it with my dad in regards to walking without his walker, or wanting to drive, or to do a lot of manual things that his balance doesn't really allow.
for your MIL, it is best for you all to sit down and look at their finances and help get a feel for where everything is, and to help her as best you can.
just be there for both of them and help in any way you can, because trust me - it gets a lot harder as time goes on, and things progress - but setting up your MIL with a good support base now will pay vast dividends later on.
i wish you and yours all the best man - it is a sad and depressing time to see someone decline like that.
This post was edited on 10/28/22 at 3:01 pm
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:57 pm to kciDAtaE
quote:
As he gone to see the doctor?
His doctor is pathetic.
But the issue is that he wouldn’t tell his doctor anything was wrong. I don’t think he’s even aware of anything wrong himself.
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:58 pm to Thracken13
quote:
i wish you and yours all the best man - it is a sad and depressing time to see someone decline like that.
Thanks.
Any tips for when it gets to the point you have to tell him he can’t drive any more? Or that it’s better for his wife or someone else to make sure the bills are paid?
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:59 pm to StringedInstruments
Defer to the family and only dictate when asked to. Treat him with respect, etc.
Posted on 10/28/22 at 2:59 pm to StringedInstruments
quote:
160 pounds at 6’3
There is absolutely nothing wrong with that weight.
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:00 pm to StringedInstruments
The biggest issue I see in my line of work is these people not having a power of attorney or designated representative to handle their affairs.
Once they have declined and no one has been named, it will be extremely difficult to access things for them due to various privacy and security issues. If he has any competency left he should name someone now.
Once they have declined and no one has been named, it will be extremely difficult to access things for them due to various privacy and security issues. If he has any competency left he should name someone now.
This post was edited on 10/28/22 at 3:01 pm
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:00 pm to StringedInstruments
Your family will likely make statements about not wanting to take away his dignity. However, NOT doing anything is actually doing just that. Protect the man from himself.
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:01 pm to Thracken13
quote:Sorry you're going through this. Lost my grandfather to the same disease 4 years ago. Unbelievably cruel disease
my dad currently has Late stage Dementia and Lewy Body Disease
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:01 pm to StringedInstruments
Good luck to your family
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:02 pm to StringedInstruments
Try lions mane supplements
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:04 pm to StringedInstruments
for my dad, we just had to sit down and tell him he couldn't - which went over about like you would expect. it wasn't until we sat down with his doctor at the VA in Biloxi, that the doctor laid it out for him.
he still has his days he behaves like a child because we wont let him drive, and you will have those days too - just understand that anything he says is not personal and he is just frustrated.
if he isn't telling his doc, then you, your wife or the MIL need to sit down with the doc and your FIL and lay it all out - we had to do that with my dad as well - he would not tell the docs anything they needed to know, and it ended up progressing everything faster - it may not have prevented anything at all, but it could have slowed the effects somewhat.
he still has his days he behaves like a child because we wont let him drive, and you will have those days too - just understand that anything he says is not personal and he is just frustrated.
if he isn't telling his doc, then you, your wife or the MIL need to sit down with the doc and your FIL and lay it all out - we had to do that with my dad as well - he would not tell the docs anything they needed to know, and it ended up progressing everything faster - it may not have prevented anything at all, but it could have slowed the effects somewhat.
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:05 pm to StringedInstruments
quote:
For reference, for those of you who live or have been in Birmingham, he was driving the other day and asked my MIL where to turn
Sorry OP but first off.. this^^^ has to stop
It’s one thing to let him let loose on his own property or something but now at that point, he’s a potential danger to those around him , Can not have him out driving and thinking he has a green light or thinking he stopped at a stop sign and hit and kill a family in another vehicle
We are having these same discussions with my grandfather . It’s tough. But it’s the right thing to do.
This post was edited on 10/28/22 at 3:08 pm
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:06 pm to thundercat_3
it really really is, and I thank you.
but one thing is for sure, I can take him to the Galleria here in Hoover and shoot pool and that old bastard whips my arse every time lol
but one thing is for sure, I can take him to the Galleria here in Hoover and shoot pool and that old bastard whips my arse every time lol
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:06 pm to StringedInstruments
Hide his keys or disable the car ASAP.
Posted on 10/28/22 at 3:11 pm to StringedInstruments
My mother has Alzheimer's and is in a similar situation. We told her that her driver's license expired and that the DMV won't let her renew. She sees a doc for the condition and he convinced her that she has a leakage in her brain, common among people her age, and so she needs additional help because the leakage makes her confused sometimes. So far it's been manageable and she seems happy enough.
In other words, pretty much all you can do is cope with it and adjust things to keep them under watch. Our goal is to keep her out of an Alzheimer's unit.
Good luck to you and your family.
In other words, pretty much all you can do is cope with it and adjust things to keep them under watch. Our goal is to keep her out of an Alzheimer's unit.
Good luck to you and your family.
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