Spending time on the ISS

I haven't listened to it yet but Joe Rogan has astronaut on today talking all about this.

They have to swear a lifetime nondisclosre agreement on pain of death not to reveal what they know about alien contact.

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They have to swear a lifetime nondisclosre agreement on pain of death not to reveal what they know about alien contact.

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the anal probings are worth it

You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hangin' out in front of places sellin' weed 'n shite. Like, maybe be an animal doctor. Why not me? I like seals 'n shite. Or maybe an astronaut. Yeah... I'd be the first motherfricker to see a new galaxy, or find a new alien life form... and frick it. And people'd be, like, "There he goes; homeboy fricked a Martian once."

ISS passes over Baton Rouge in 3 minutes.

How do you jerk off? Do they give you a ziploc if something?

Can’t imagine it’d be a good thing to have stray splooge floating around that tin can

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Only two bathrooms on that motherfricker. Who the hell OK'd that design?

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During Apollo, you'd just float underneath the couches with a bag shaped kind of like a top hat. The "brim" was coated with the glue that people with colostomies used to make a good skin seal to avoid leaks where the ostomy bag connected. You'd just float there underneath the couches and stick that brim right on to your asscheeks real good and squeeze out a growler into the bag.

Now, in your bathroom, gravity pulls the turd away from your butt, but in space, no bueno. So, the top part of the bag farthest away from where the brim stuck onto your arse, there was like a finger condom built in. You'd put your finger in there and kinda reach between your asscheeks and pry the turd away from your butt. At least you didn't have to touch it directly.

After you were done with that, you'd wipe your arse with a little bit of toilet paper and then put that in the top hat bag full of shite. Next, there was a little bag full of that blue chemical they use in portapotties that you'd squeeze into the bag of shite. Then you'd seal up the bag full of shite and knead it like playdoh until all the blue chemical was thoroughly mixed with your shite.

Finally, you'd put that in a special box because there was no way to safely open a hole in the spacecraft large enough to throw it overboard. So you'd just make the trip to the moon and back just building up an ever growing stockpile of human shite.

Oh, and if you fricked up any part of that and had an "escape"...



And you did all of this five feet away from your crewmates who can hear every grunt and smell your demon turds because they were right above the couches you'd hide under while taking said shite.

If you had to take a piss, you'd put on a condom with a tube on it. You'd hook the tube up to a valve and it would get sucked into a storage tank for later venting. If you mistimed anything or it didn't fit right, piss would not go into the horrible eternal inky void of space, but would leak out all over your crotch and float off into little bubbles, much to the chagrin of your pissed off (on?) crewmates.

Six astronauts for one toilet doesn't sound so bad anymore, does it?