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Message
1
Posted on 11/14/19 at 10:09 am to RogerTheShrubber
I've been there, seen and heard too many horror stories, but most seemed to love to return to the addictive ways despite AA sponsors. Most seemed to love the structure and attention. Weird.
It's about the individual rejecting the behavior as you indicated. Zero need for AA, but about self.
It's about the individual rejecting the behavior as you indicated. Zero need for AA, but about self.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 10:11 am to OGJangalang
Richard Burton had a very eloquent description of what it's like to deal with alcoholism.
As someone who has found themselves in a similar position as your wife, from that side it feels even more helpless and hopeless. In my case, I tried everything I knew to help my partner see how her addiction (which she refused to acknowledge as such) was destroying us - yelling, remaining silent, getting her family to intervene, showing her facts/statistics, writing letters, avoiding her, babysitting her, recording her on my phone and showing it to her later when she sobered up etc.
And she would make grandiose gestures like pouring out all the alcohol in the house, saying she's done with drinking, start attending church...but you know, that lasts for a couple of months and then the jokes and excuses start, "man I really just need a beer right now" // "when I said I was done drinking, I just meant for a little while, not forever!" // "you're just a prude! everyone drinks! it's normal!" // "ugh you're so boring, you're just like my dad!"
By the time I came to the realization I'm about to tell you, all of the intimacy was completely gone. I was no longer attracted to her in any way, I saw her as a liability, a child, a party girl trapped in the body of a woman, a girl with Peter Pan syndrome who would never grow up. What I realized was that there is NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE that can make you "act right", NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE that can make you change...true, lasting change has to come from within. The angry invisible man in the sky, the court taking your kids away, your partner leaving you, losing your job, wrecking your car, racking up a criminal record...that shite may serve as a wake up call, but the impetus for change in my experience has to come completely from inside yourself.
It's similar to people who want to lose weight. They'll jump on a fad diet for a few weeks, or go to the gym religiously for a month but they almost always fall off the wagon. When you're ready to change is when you wake up and go, "I can't live one more day being this piece of shite that I am." When you get to the point where you hate what you've become and resolve that you'll never be that person again, that's when change happens.
For you, there is an alcoholic monster living somewhere inside you and he'll always be there, every single second for the rest of your life. You have to wake up every day and strategize how you're going to outsmart and avoid that little fricker. That's how you have to live from now on.
Lean on your strengths (we all have them), and manage your weaknesses (we all have those too). I'm not a religious man, but I will pray for you, and more importantly your kids and your wife.
As someone who has found themselves in a similar position as your wife, from that side it feels even more helpless and hopeless. In my case, I tried everything I knew to help my partner see how her addiction (which she refused to acknowledge as such) was destroying us - yelling, remaining silent, getting her family to intervene, showing her facts/statistics, writing letters, avoiding her, babysitting her, recording her on my phone and showing it to her later when she sobered up etc.
And she would make grandiose gestures like pouring out all the alcohol in the house, saying she's done with drinking, start attending church...but you know, that lasts for a couple of months and then the jokes and excuses start, "man I really just need a beer right now" // "when I said I was done drinking, I just meant for a little while, not forever!" // "you're just a prude! everyone drinks! it's normal!" // "ugh you're so boring, you're just like my dad!"
By the time I came to the realization I'm about to tell you, all of the intimacy was completely gone. I was no longer attracted to her in any way, I saw her as a liability, a child, a party girl trapped in the body of a woman, a girl with Peter Pan syndrome who would never grow up. What I realized was that there is NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE that can make you "act right", NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE that can make you change...true, lasting change has to come from within. The angry invisible man in the sky, the court taking your kids away, your partner leaving you, losing your job, wrecking your car, racking up a criminal record...that shite may serve as a wake up call, but the impetus for change in my experience has to come completely from inside yourself.
It's similar to people who want to lose weight. They'll jump on a fad diet for a few weeks, or go to the gym religiously for a month but they almost always fall off the wagon. When you're ready to change is when you wake up and go, "I can't live one more day being this piece of shite that I am." When you get to the point where you hate what you've become and resolve that you'll never be that person again, that's when change happens.
For you, there is an alcoholic monster living somewhere inside you and he'll always be there, every single second for the rest of your life. You have to wake up every day and strategize how you're going to outsmart and avoid that little fricker. That's how you have to live from now on.
Lean on your strengths (we all have them), and manage your weaknesses (we all have those too). I'm not a religious man, but I will pray for you, and more importantly your kids and your wife.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 10:22 am to Taurus
quote:
I've been there, seen and heard too many horror stories, but most seemed to love to return to the addictive ways despite AA sponsors
Probably court ordered. Those are the people with an irrational view of AAl.
AA is meant to be a support system. Sobriety is on you.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 10:25 am to Boring
quote:
As someone who has found themselves in a similar position as your wife, from that side it feels even more helpless and hopeless. In my case, I tried everything I knew to help my partner see how her addiction (which she refused to acknowledge as such) was destroying us - yelling, remaining silent, getting her family to intervene, showing her facts/statistics, writing letters, avoiding her, babysitting her, recording her on my phone and showing it to her later when she sobered up etc.
And she would make grandiose gestures like pouring out all the alcohol in the house, saying she's done with drinking, start attending church...but you know, that lasts for a couple of months and then the jokes and excuses start, "man I really just need a beer right now" // "when I said I was done drinking, I just meant for a little while, not forever!" // "you're just a prude! everyone drinks! it's normal!" // "ugh you're so boring, you're just like my dad!"
By the time I came to the realization I'm about to tell you, all of the intimacy was completely gone. I was no longer attracted to her in any way, I saw her as a liability, a child, a party girl trapped in the body of a woman, a girl with Peter Pan syndrome who would never grow up. What I realized was that there is NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE that can make you "act right", NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE that can make you change...true, lasting change has to come from within. The angry invisible man in the sky, the court taking your kids away, your partner leaving you, losing your job, wrecking your car, racking up a criminal record...that shite may serve as a wake up call, but the impetus for change in my experience has to come completely from inside yourself.
It's similar to people who want to lose weight. They'll jump on a fad diet for a few weeks, or go to the gym religiously for a month but they almost always fall off the wagon. When you're ready to change is when you wake up and go, "I can't live one more day being this piece of shite that I am." When you get to the point where you hate what you've become and resolve that you'll never be that person again, that's when change happens.
For you, there is an alcoholic monster living somewhere inside you and he'll always be there, every single second for the rest of your life. You have to wake up every day and strategize how you're going to outsmart and avoid that little fricker. That's how you have to live from now on.
Lean on your strengths (we all have them), and manage your weaknesses (we all have those too). I'm not a religious man, but I will pray for you, and more importantly your kids and your wife.
Thanks for sharing that.
I cannot imagine how rough that was to go through that and then come to that conclusion. I think there is a point where you have to cut someone off who refuses to help themselves. Maybe it will be the wakeup call they need, but also everyone, at some point, deserves to be happy themselves and not at the mercy of someone else's decisions.
And, sadly, a lot of folks with addictions will never get back what they lost. But it should never been they should not keep doing what they can to live a better life.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 10:26 am to RogerTheShrubber
quote:
RogerTheShrubber
LINK
I think you would appreciate watching the entirely of this Penn and Teller episode
Posted on 11/14/19 at 10:26 am to OGJangalang
This post was edited on 11/14/19 at 10:29 am
Posted on 11/14/19 at 10:31 am to shawnlsu
quote:lying is ok when it "starts a conversation"
shawnlsu
Posted on 11/14/19 at 10:48 am to Rouge
So I've heard
Posted on 11/14/19 at 10:54 am to OGJangalang
It sounds like you haven't found something to do with your life. You are placing your being on external things like LSU sports. Find something to connect to better yourself, get a hobby of some kind, learn something new, etc. You are sacrificing your family for your lack of inner peace. And yes it will be hard and suck at first. It always does when doing something new if you expect things to go well at first. But you will be accomplishing something and becoming a better you giving your children an example of someone that doesn't give up and betters himself.
The Philosophy of The Fountain – Escaping Our Mental Prisons
Radical Honesty – What If We All Told The Truth?
The Philosophy of The Fountain – Escaping Our Mental Prisons
Radical Honesty – What If We All Told The Truth?
This post was edited on 11/14/19 at 11:34 am
Posted on 11/14/19 at 11:03 am to OGJangalang
quote:
Awhile back I posted asking for prayers as I was attempting to kick a long existing addiction. I was able to defeat that demon and the past three days I've failed to maintain that. I woke up Saturday morning to an empty house. My wife had taken my children and left.I really dont wanna put out all the dirt on a public forum but would greatly appreciate any prayers or positive vibes if your not religious.Its early tonight and I'm already in a bad space and would really appreciate it. Never felt a hurt like this before and just cant see any light at the end of this tunnel. It's scary shite... Thank you
That sounds sad and tragic until your previous posts are looked at...
quote:
OGJangalang on 11/8/19 at 2:55 pm
Let's just say I'm not gonna be in any condition to drive,walk,or appear in public places whether we win or lose!
You didn't "lose control", you fricking planned this days ahead of time. You worked to go down this road and apparently you were giddy to get there but now that your family left you over it (something you had to have known was coming) you want to hide from the pain by blanketing yourself with sympathy from others.
Was that tough to read? Maybe a little mean-sounding? That's just the beginning.
As the child of a father who did that same family-destroying shite until he drank himself to death, frick you. All you are seeing is the pain you are feeling, you selfish prick. You have no fricking clue as to the pain and resentment your actions are causing for your kids nor your wife. Who wants their friends coming over and spending the night when dad is a drunk dickbag, cursing and yelling all because of a football game?
My dad would get so focused on hanging out and drinking with his buddies at the bar, he would forget to come pick me up from practice or after a game. I can't tell you the nights I was at the stadium by myself until 9, 10 or even 11pm because his drinking was so much more important that he forgot what time it was. Heaven forbid he put his children ahead of his drinking with buddies long enough to show up to support his kids at whatever event they were in.
You want sympathy? Tough. We all want things we can't have. For example, your wife wants a husband who doesn't become a drunk a-hole (not just because of a football game, but ever).
You don't need sympathy, you need to grow up enough to understand that you simply aren't the type to be able to drink. You need to accept it and live it.
You need to grow enough balls to be able to stop drinking, even when everyone else around you is having a few and it seems innocuous. You need to decide whether that momentary drunken revelry is worth losing your family not just now, but in the years to come as your kids slowly grow to resent you for your childishness, weakness and absence from their lives.
You need the fricking courage to stop hanging out with friends who are going to be too much temptation for your desire to drink (even, or especially, when they aren't trying to tempt you).
You need the desire to want your family more than you want to hang out and drink. You need this not only when their absence slaps you in the face but you need to live within that desire each and every day when things are good too. It's one thing to realize something after you've lost it, it's far more difficult to constantly remind yourself how very important and valuable it is when it's still there. If you get them back, learn that value and live it. Every. fricking. Day.
quote:
My Son watched me cuss Bama,the refs,and Saban so much over his first 7 years that one day he was at the gas station with my Wife and an older gentleman pulled up with Alabama plates while my Wife was getting gas. My son got out of the car and walked over to the guy and said "My Daddy says F@@k Alabama!, He hates em'all!"
Real classy. It looks like you're teaching your child to be just like you. Will you be just as proud and amused by this story when his wife and kids leave him because he's continued to follow your examples through his life?
There will undoubtedly be some who think I have been too hard on you. I don't care, they haven't had someone like you as a father so their opinion matters to me as much as old pocket lint.
The difference between you and my father though is you still have a chance to not be the guy who ends up picking his drinking over his family. You have the opportunity to be there for your kids' events, to be someone they can be proud of when you enter the room instead of worried and ashamed. You have the opportunity to be the guy others look up to because he's been able to face his weaknesses, admit them, then change his lifestyle enough to no longer be victim to those weaknesses. You have the opportunity to be the husband and father who fought against all odds to become a better man who is so focused on his family that he completely walked away from drinking.
You have the chance to not have a child who will ever feel the need to write a response like this.
The road ahead of you is going to be rough. Your relationship with your wife and children will not be patched up overnight, it's going to take months and even years. It's a road that once you start down it, you MUST stay committed. You've had your fall from grace, you don't get another.
This means you don't get them back just to start having a beer every now and then or to take the edge off when things get bad. This means you don't drink again. Ever. Period. And that becomes your mindset for the rest of your life. You have to get to the point where just thinking about taking a drink brings back everything you are going through now, every emotion and every thought. You have to be committed enough to change damned near everything in your life.
Good luck to you, it's going to be tough but a life of peace and joy can be yours if you have the strength, courage, patience and determination to follow through with what you know you have to do.
This post was edited on 11/14/19 at 12:32 pm
Posted on 11/14/19 at 11:12 am to Bard
quote:
Bard
feel better now?
Posted on 11/14/19 at 11:29 am to cgrand
quote:
feel better now?
I felt good before posting it but it was good to get that off my chest as well. I hope you never have to go through that (from either aspect).
Thanks for asking.
This post was edited on 11/14/19 at 11:29 am
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:04 pm to OGJangalang
I cannot stress this seemingly simple point enough - you need to reestablish what “normal” is in your mind. A big part of addiction and other toxic behavior is a unhealthy mental picture of normal. By whatever cause, some people develop a twisted mindset of normal and it opens the door to bad choices.
For example, normal for me is having a few drinks watching the LSU game and it’s all good, but if doing that resulted in bad actions, I would need to recognize that that isn’t a healthy normal and change my mindset and choices.
For example, normal for me is having a few drinks watching the LSU game and it’s all good, but if doing that resulted in bad actions, I would need to recognize that that isn’t a healthy normal and change my mindset and choices.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:07 pm to Bard
What you said was valuable and needed to be said. It's difficult to watch someone choose something as silly as a little brown bottle over their: spouse, children, career, health etc. You start asking yourself, "am I so worthless that alcohol is a better choice than spending time with me?" Imagine children thinking something like this about their parent.
And it's hard to say anything as an adult because like it or not, our culture is alcohol-centric. In some people's eyes, if you're not drinking then you're not having fun. My question to them is, if you have to be drunk to enjoy a certain activity or group of people...what does that say about you/the activity/the people?
People used to grow out of binge drinking by the time they graduated college. But I see plenty of people in their 40s and 50s who still pride themselves on how much they can drink or how hammered they got last weekend. Honestly, that shite stops being cool after freshman year of college, then it just becomes sad and unattractive. I went to school at LSU, work in the legal profession, and have a side hobby of playing music in rock bands, so I've been surrounded by substance use/abuse for the majority of my adult life. Dealing with drunks gets so fricking old.
And it's hard to say anything as an adult because like it or not, our culture is alcohol-centric. In some people's eyes, if you're not drinking then you're not having fun. My question to them is, if you have to be drunk to enjoy a certain activity or group of people...what does that say about you/the activity/the people?
People used to grow out of binge drinking by the time they graduated college. But I see plenty of people in their 40s and 50s who still pride themselves on how much they can drink or how hammered they got last weekend. Honestly, that shite stops being cool after freshman year of college, then it just becomes sad and unattractive. I went to school at LSU, work in the legal profession, and have a side hobby of playing music in rock bands, so I've been surrounded by substance use/abuse for the majority of my adult life. Dealing with drunks gets so fricking old.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:14 pm to Bard
quote:
You didn't "lose control", you fricking planned this days ahead of time. You worked to go down this road and apparently you were giddy to get there but now that your family left you over it (something you had to have known was coming) you want to hide from the pain by blanketing yourself with sympathy from others
Yall falling for the long troll. Lol.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:21 pm to OGJangalang
It's time to either suck dick for your addiction because it will never quit you.
Or go through life fighting it and maybe put some of it back together.
Either way you're gonna have Heath Ledger firmly wedged up your butt with nothing but a quick spit for lube.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 12:26 pm to Bard
Hell yeah
Posted on 11/14/19 at 1:08 pm to Tiger Ryno
quote:
Yall falling for the long troll. Lol.
OP hasn’t been back.
He’s sitting back yucking it up over what he’s wrought.
Posted on 11/14/19 at 1:16 pm to Boring
quote:
What I realized was that there is NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE that can make you "act right", NO OUTSIDE INFLUENCE that can make you change...true, lasting change has to come from within. The angry invisible man in the sky, the court taking your kids away, your partner leaving you, losing your job, wrecking your car, racking up a criminal record...that shite may serve as a wake up call, but the impetus for change in my experience has to come completely from inside yourself.
great shite here. so true
thanks for sharing.
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