re: My Belt Holds my Pants up, My Beltloops Hold the Belt Up,Who's the Real Hero?

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75. I like when they say shampoo is volumizing… because my hair is frickin’ quiet. [Listen]

74. I wish they made fajita cologne… because that shite smells good.

73. I collect stamps. The easiest way to collect stamps… is to not mail shite.

72. Sometimes when you’re too drunk on stage, people get mad, they say “Can I get my money back?” That would be funny if people could get their money back for other shite when I was really drunk. Like, “I saw Mitch Hedberg. He was drunk… and I want to return this saw.” [Listen]

71. Anybody here watch ESPN Classic? I saw a baseball game on there. The guy hit a foul ball. frickin’ classic, man. [Listen]

70. I’m sick of Soup of the Day! It’s time we make a decision. I want to know what the frick soup from now on is. [Listen]

69. There’s many billboards, they have the lotto jackpot, it says “Estimated lotto jackpot $55 million.” See, I didn’t know that shite was estimated. That would suck if you won and they go “Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry.” [Listen]

68. I wish all my clothes were made out of blankets. That way, if I fall asleep with my clothes on, frickin’ A, I’m tucked in. [Listen]

67. I got a jump rope. That thing’s just a rope, man. You gotta make the jump thing happen.

66. I put Carmex on a cold sore. Because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don’t know if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. [Listen]

65. I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid… is frickin’ clean.

64. They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable… it’s just they taste shitty.

63. People say “Mitch, why’d you get into comedy? Were you funny?” “No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.”

62. I tried to walk into Target… but I missed. [Listen]

61. On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means “hold on” and yellow means “go ahead.” And red means “where the frick did you get that banana?” [Listen]

60. My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c’mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on. [Listen]

59. I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

58. I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don’t need a receipt for the donut, man. I’ll just give you the money, then you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can’t imagine a scenario where I’d have to prove that I bought a donut… [Listen]

57. I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicting to gambling… I’m addicting to sitting in a semicircle.

56. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

55. I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor’s coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. “Mitch’s pizzeria. This week’s coupon: unlimited free pizza.” [Listen]

54. I never had a piggy bank, but one time I had some bacon and it tasted an awful lot like change.

53. Every McDonald’s commercial ends the same way, right? McDonald’s commercials end like this: “prices and participation may vary.” I want to open a McDonald’s and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonald’s owner. I’ll say “Cheeseburgers? Nope… we got spaghetti!” [Listen]

52. I like when they say that a movie was “inspired by a true story” because that’s weird. It means the movie is not true, it was just inspired by a true story. “Hey Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her children into the river and they all drown?” “Yes I did. And that inspired me to write a movie about a gorilla.” [Listen]

51. You know when it comes to racism, people say “I don’t care if they’re black, white, purple or green.” Oh, hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.

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125. I think we should only get three honks a month on the car horn. Because people honk the car horn too much. Three honks, that’s the limit. And then somebody cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens, you’re like “shite, I wish I wouldn’t have seen Ricky on the sidewalk.” [Listen]

124. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done… who knows? [Listen]

123. You know when you go to concerts, and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that’s dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from a pool. [Listen]

122. You know, you can’t please all the people all the time. And last night all those people were at my show.

121. The thing that’s depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall. [Listen]

120. I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision because I didn’t know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. [Listen]

119. I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call ‘em cavities. I like to call ‘em “places to put stuff.” [Listen]

118. … it’s against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain’t supposed to touch. So I said, “All right, well put some lettuce on it,” which they did. They said it’d be a $1.75. I said “It’s for a duck.” They said “All right, then it’s free.” See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway. Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. “Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don’t bother ringing it up, it’s for a duck!” [Listen]

117. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s going.

116. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I’m going to replace it before they check me off and charge me. But they made that shite impossible to replace. I go to the store, I say, “Do you have Coke… in a glass harmonica?” [Listen]

115. When we were on acid, we would go into the woods because when you’re in the woods trippin’, there’s a less likely chance you’ll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. [Listen]

114. I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say “You’re home!”

113. I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Oh, come on, man, they’re crackers, that’s why I got them. I like crackers. I didn’t buy them because they’re little edible plates. [Listen]

112. I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I’ll drive for, like, ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the EMERGENCY BRAKE. [Listen]

111. I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was a little slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem, I said “Ed, how do you abbreviate ‘Arkansas’?” He said, “I don’t know. Just start spelling it and quit.” [Listen]

110. I don’t wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. “Snap, Crackle, Mitch and Pop.” [Listen]

109. I play golf. I’m not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell “Fore!” but I was too busying mumbling “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.” [Listen]

108. When you’re in Hollywood and you’re a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say “All right you’re a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script.” They want me to do things that’s related to comedy, but it’s not comedy. That’s not fair. It’s as though if I was a cook, and I worked my arse off to become a good cook, and they said “All right you’re a cook… can you farm?” [Listen]

107. I was at a casino, I was standing by the door, and the security guard came over and he said “You’re gonna have to move. You’re blocking the fire exit,” as if though there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. [Listen]

106. I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us… or they thought we were OK.

105. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when people try to hand me out a flyer, it’s kind of like they’re saying “Here, YOU throw this away.”

104. A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!

103. I read last year that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, man… such an even number. [Listen]

102. That would suck if a drink was ice cold… because then it would be impossible to drink. [Listen]

101. I wear glasses. I stopped wearing ‘em… because when you wear glasses and you talk to someone, you always think they’re outside of a window. [Listen]

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175. If I had nine of my fingers missing… I wouldn’t type any slower.

174. A lot of bars have black lights. And when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me… because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

173. When I’m off stage, I don’t talk very much, I’m pretty quiet, right? And I hang around people who talk non-stop. All they do is talk, talk, talk. I can’t get a word in edgewise. And when I do, I usually say something like, “Hey, man, you want some taffy?” [Listen]

172. I was at a bar, I was minding my own business, no one was talking to me, because I had just did a show. This guy bumped into me which is cool, but he didn’t apologize, he said “Move”, and I thought that was rude so I said “Go to hell”, and then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a ponytail, and he was wearing a hat. He said “Hey, you got a lot of nerve.” I said “Hey, you got a lot of… cranium accessories. [Listen]

171. When I was on acid, I would see things, like beams of light. And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

170. I can’t floss my teeth, man. I can’t get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say “Man, you don’t know how hard it is to quit smoking.” Yes I do. It’s as hard as it is to START flossing.

169. Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to somebody you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. “Look what I got motherfricka!” [Listen]

168. I think Visine was only invented for pot heads. Who else would buy Visine? “Say man, I don’t want people to know I have been swimming…” [Listen]

167. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use… like an extreme longing for cake. [Listen]

166. I like cinnamon rolls. That’s why I wish they made cinnamon roll incense. Because I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick… and then have my roommates wake up with false hopes. [Listen]

165. That would be cool if SpiderMan shot hammocks instead of nets. “Hey, you’re not a criminal, but you do need to relax.” [Listen]

164. I asked directions to the store, this guy said, “Well that’s just a hop, skip and a jump away.” … “Well that’s not how I’m getting there… You got directions for those who are walking?” [Listen]

163. I want to have a show called “Where Are They Now” but it’s about people who are really easy to find. “Jay Leno, where are they now? Still in Burbank.” [Listen]

162. I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once… so I can make a cart.

161. I can’t wait to get off the stage, because I’ve got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

160. Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. That way, if we are photographed, we are easy to identify.

159. I used to buy a lot of M&Ms; they’re a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn’t look at you like you’re selfish.

158. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like “Rigor Mortis” or “Mortuary,” or “Obituary”. We weren’t that intense. We just went with “Injured”. Later on we changed it to “Acapella”… as we were walking out of the pawn shop. [Listen]

157. To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were like yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, “Have you ever tried sugar… or PCP?” [Listen]

156. I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

155. I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument. Because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. [Listen]

154. I was at a restaurant, I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don’t think the waitress understood me. Because she said, “How would you like your eggs?” So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said, “Incubated! And then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked, and then cut up, and then put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! It’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled!”
[Listen]

153. As a kid, I used to jump on beds. But as an adult, I do not sleep on trampolines.

152. I walked by a record store, the sign out front said they specialize in hard to find records and tapes… nothing was alphabetized!

151. I had a piece of Carefree sugarless gum… and I was still worried.

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