TLDR: I'm crazy as frick but dealing with it.

I'm hesitant to write this, but I've been a member of this board for over ten years. If I can't vent here, where can I vent?

About a year and a half ago, I had a mental break. I was self medicating to the point of it being dangerous. I was in an abusive and toxic relationship. I was taking anything and everything just to try to cope with the constant cycling through manic and depressed phases (even though I didn't understand why I was doing it). I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew it had been wrong for a long time.

It was a pattern that had repeated itself throughout my teenage and adult years. Depression followed by hypomania. The depression sucked, but the hypomania was dangerous. It took me to dark and dangerous places, often ending with me behind bars or in the hospital.

I went away to a treatment facility. There I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder.

I guess the fact that I barely slept for 14 days clued them in to the fact I might have something else going on. Either way, they diagnosed me, got me on meds and things seemed to even out.

I haven't had a severe episode in over a year, until this weekend. I crashed and I crashed hard. I didn't get out of bed for three days, Monday until today. I didn't eat. I didn't sleep. I didn't talk to anyone. I think I posted on here a few times, but that was about the extent of my communication with the outside world. I simply couldn't.

That's a helpless feeling. A feeling that leads to self loathing.

I guess I asked for it. On another thread on here where someone had a friend with Bipolar II, I said you could control it with medication. I was cocky. The Universe slapped my arse down with the quickness.

You can't control this shite. You can't tame it. The best you can hope to do is trap it in a rickety cage made of old chicken wire and keep it well fed with meds, praying it doesn't decide it wants to break free and tear your throat out one day.

Bipolar is never trusting yourself to take on long term projects because you fear an episode.

Bipolar is living in fear of what you might do if you're not in a state of constant vigilance.

Bipolar is never trusting your emotions and constantly checking and rechecking if they're valid of not. Imagine being afraid to be happy or excited because that can easily end up with you giving all your shite away, blowing all your money and wrapping your car around a tree.

Bipolar is being afraid to get close to anyone.

Bipolar is feeling like a burden to your friends and family.

Bipolar is knowing you have to take meds everyday for the rest of your life.

No one wants this. I would give anything to be normal. Literally, anything.

I guess I'm writing this as an apology for being somewhat of a know it all dick in that other thread. I've been humbled.

I'm also writing it to give you guys a glimpse into what daily life is like for people with bipolar disorder. It ain't fun. But you can lead a somewhat normal and productive life...most of the time. It's the other times that people need a little grace and help. Trust me. They don't act out for attention.