re: For divorced OTers: Do you ever wish you go back and change things?

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Spaceman, I read through most of these comments and my heart goes out to you fella. Not sure what point on the relationship time line you are hoping to re-visit; but there is no point where you could have made any difference in how you and your exe's relationship panned out. Bottom line: sadly she's damaged goods, there is precious little you could have done to change that. Your knowing about the abuse likely wouldn't have changed a thing - it sounds like it was too severe and went untreated for too long. I commend you for trying. You sound like one of the good guys.

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Thank you, sir. I think that knowing she is damaged goods and not just a sloot is part of the reason I'm having a not so easy time. I have come to realize that there isn't anything that I couldn't have done differently to have made things work. There really were some good times, or at least I thought there were. You know, as more things came to light so did the fact that it was exactly as you had said.

I am close friends with one of her former family friends (former, because the ex's entire family "disowned" the friend for speaking the truth) who recently told me that the ex was happy and all for about a year...then the demons started taking hold. When my daughter was born I noticed a subtle shift in the ex's behavior...and when my daughter reached the age my ex's abuse started its like the flood gates opened. Ugh.

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This situation is heartbreaking. I hope her abusers and any parents that allowed it to happen rot in hell. Protect your kids. Godspeed.

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It most certainly is. There is a special place in hell for them. Her mom is the biggest piece of work I have ever seen. And crazy as a freaking loon.

I do all I can to protect my kids.

Question: How do you all keep from reminiscing? I know my situation is probably one of the most effed ones, but there are times when I do think back. And no, getting some strange hasn't helped really.

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Thank you, sir. I think that knowing she is damaged goods and not just a sloot is part of the reason I'm having a not so easy time. I have come to realize that there isn't anything that I couldn't have done differently to have made things work.

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Same boat I was in with my ex. Absolutely made the process of healing that much harder to get through.

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Question: How do you all keep from reminiscing?

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Being nine years into a divorce from a 27 year marriage, I think you will always reminisce. You will trouble shoot this thing every which way you can in your mind. Every potential solution will have a dead end. Once you run out of potential solutions you will finally accept that the outcome was going to occur regardless. You will shift over to remembering more of the good times and less of the bad times. However, that will take time and there is no way around that. You are mourning the death of a relationship and you are going to go through all the phases. You are going to finally appreciate the fact that what has happened has happened and things will never be the same again. When you acknowledge that you are going to redefine life, make good use of that time as you will be rediscovering yourself as a person, perhaps even discovering for the first time in your adult life outside of the relationship. It can ultimately be a good adventure, but there is going to be some pain first, and probably a hell of a lot. You and only you will be able to crawl through the emotional fog you are in right now. However, once you emerge on the other side, you are going to find that you are more sure of who you are and what you want. Then and only then will you be able to look for another mate.

Trust me, I have gone through a lot of strange myself, generally averaging a different female every two to three months and most of them quite attractive and ten to 15 years my junior. Not bad for someone in their 50's eh? However, while the strange is nice, it is never fulfilling, and for some it takes a while to get used to having sex with someone other than your wife, but it can be done.

The other thing is that when you are looking for another mate, don't look for a mate to "rescue." You cannot save them. They have to deal with their own issues on their own. You are not helping them or you by jumping into the quicksand with them.

It can be very difficult when you know that you did what you could to make things work and the ship still went down. None of us are perfect husbands or wives, although those imperfections are on a continuum. Part of the relationship being successful is the willingness and ability of BOTH parties to accept the other as they are, and that those faults are not of the deal breaker variety.

Like some of these others, I can definitely say that there will always be a special place in my heart for my ex and the mother of my children. After all, there were some good times, until the bad times overwhelmed the good times. However, there is a point that you have to walk away and reboot your life. I have more feelings for my ex-wife than she does for me, although there seems to be a very slow thaw occurring after nine years. In spite of my feelings, I also know that there is a difference between loving someone and being able to live with them. There is no way I could live with my ex-wife again. We would just both be setting ourselves for failure, and I have been down that road already and hope not to travel that specific path again.

Don't be afraid to talk it out with others. The more you tell your life story, the more of it gets out of your system.

I'll keep an eye on this thread and will be glad to respond to your comments. Good luck to you.

You forgot something...






LC

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Amazing people I know have spent thousands in attorney fees fighting over something that cost $25

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Thanks, CAD. My atty is a bit expensive, but he made sure the right thing happened.

Very well said. After being married over 20 yrs i had some bad times during my marriage, mainly my fault. I was looking at the wrong things. Someone told me to remember that the Woman I was married to was also once the Woman I feel in love with for some reasons and that I should try and remember them and try and find them again before its to late. Well I did and we fixing to make 34 yrs of marriage and were closer now than we ever have been. Ever. And I didn't lose my kids. Again I was the one doing wrong so I cant comment coming from the other way. I also had a very hard time with the thought of some other man seeing my Kids more than me and raising them.

you need to shoot me an email. We never talked about this and i'm not airing my divorce over the interwebs.

meauxjeaux2@yahoo.

let me know when you get it.

If you are religious and believe there is only one perfect will for everyone, then you want to go back. Otherwise, no.

Nope