re: Estranged biological father died today

I grew up with my dad in the house, at least until 10 yo when my parents divorced. He was an abusive drunk. As I got older, he got sober, but the damage was done(not going to delve into specifics, but more than enough to be forgiven). I saw him 2 or 3 times a year up until I had my first child. The true impact of his actions to my siblings and I were not fully realized until I held my son. I cut off contact with him shortly thereafter( in all honesty, I instigated most of the contact to begin with). He died summer of ‘19 and, as the oldest child, I had to deal with it all. I get more choked up at checking out at the grocery store than I did dealing with his arraignments. It had been 25 years since I spoke to him. Somewhere down deep, I half-heartedly expected a letter of apology showing remorse to us, but none were to be found. I’ve said on here before, I didn’t learn how to be a dad from my father, I learned how not to be. I have 5 kids now and while I’m not perfect I’m a hell of a lot better than what he was. Take solace from that. More importantly, move on and enjoy your life and be better for it.

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I have a nonexistent father, I wonder someday when he dies, if he isn't already dead, if I will grieve? But I think I already experienced that grief as a child and again when I had my children. Don't doubt your veracity/decency based on emotions you dont feel.

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This is good advice.

I think the instinct you are feeling about the strangeness of your non-emotion is a vestige of the inherent “father question” that all people have, especially men, in relation to their search for meaning in life.

A father is inherently a judge. It’s inescapable, and has nothing to do with the actual person who is your father and their personality. We understand on some deep level that we inherited a set of genes, at a minimum, and also the culture of our fore-bearers.

When a father is around and active in our life, we measure ourself against him, and also against the image of ourselves that we believe he has for us.

For you, this person is practically, but not entirely, nonexistent. You had other role models to compare yourself to, people who loved you and who had dreams and aspirations for you, which you also compare yourself to.

Nevertheless, in your journey, the genetic component of your inheritance remained somewhat of a mystery. Although this man had no involvement in your life and you clearly were able to be properly nourished spiritually and guided with the wisdom of an established family culture, you may have recognized at some point in the past that you would never have that detailed genetic information component.

And it seems that you are just fine without that knowledge, and all that’s left is the wonder at your lack of an emotional scar over that fact.

Just know that you could, at some future point, and only if you choose to do so, go back and investigate some details about your biological father if it would help you on your journey through life. For now, be proud of the man that you have become, thank God for the wonderful role models you did have, and say a prayer for the soul of your departed and estranged sperm donor.

Yep .. being a parent absolutely exhausted makes you realize what they weren’t.

I'm sorry for your loss.

My analysis (free and worth it) - you are struggling with feeling nothing for someone that your never knew, as opposed to the utter grief, despair and loss you're supposed to feel when a parent dies. You're trying to make sense of something that will never make sense.

Keep doing this for as long as it takes.

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Spoke to my wife, two closest friends & Pastor today

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Man you sound like you’re in a really good place now and guess what? That YOUR place. You earned it yourself. Don’t fret about not having feelings that weren’t earned in the first place. You good. Fly on.

Dude was a stranger


That said sorry for your loss

My mom was raised by her grandmother. Her dad was around but she lived with her grandmother. Her mom, who pretty much abandoned her wasn't around. frick that woman. I never met her, but I saw her once thru a window. She looked like the fat fricking, greasy loser one would imagine.

That's pretty much common. In order to show grief for something or someone you have to have built love over the years through certain experiences and memories. The fact you never met him, it might as well well be stranger. How many people you see show emotion if some guy down the road dies.

There are several responses from folks whose father abandoned them.

Where are all the absentee dad posters? Let’s hear from you, fellows. Good decision to bail on the kid? Bad decision? Any regrets, or are you enjoying the kid-free life?