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re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:16 am to HubbaBubba
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:16 am to HubbaBubba
That's quite a kick in the teeth and I feel for your wife. However, why confuse her son's kids now right after they've lost their dad? Think of those kids feelings first.
So....
So....
quote:
I think she needs to let sleeping dogs lie still.
0
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:20 am to TigernMS12
quote:
Two other people took on the role of parent to the child and they have every right to parent the child and make decisions regarding that relationship, even when the child reaches adulthood. She should honor the parents wishes to leave it alone.
frick that. Her child was an adult and deserved to at least know about the adoption. If he didn't want to meet his mom then fine. But keeping that knowledge from him? Pretty fricked up.
This wasn't a 5 year old who might not be able to take the idea of being adopted, this was a mid 20 year old with a family.
Imagine what percentage of people who are adults and would want to know - it'd be a vast majority. You can't just gloss over that.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:22 am to HubbaBubba
Hubba bubba..if you would really like to talk about this I'll give you my email. I'm adopted. I can feel your heartache here. I'm 34 now. I've never met my real dad. But he's never reached out to me and it's all I've ever wanted. So if you would like to talk I'd be more than happy.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:23 am to Sentrius
quote:
You're saying that like it's an absolute given.
It is a given. She gave up the child.
quote:
Only idiots deal in absolutes when there's obviously grey area.
And only those without an argument go to ad hominem. Also, this is a situation with an absolute. See above. No grey here.
quote:
What if the adoptee is a grown arse adult now and not any parent's decision, birth or adopted, to make like in the OP's case?
Adoptee is dead.
quote:
There has been many cases of adopted people and birth parents reuniting and it being a joyous occasion.
This isn't one of those situations.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:30 am to HubbaBubba
I gathered from the OP that the adoptive parents likely never told the son he was adopted. Ignorance is bliss in some cases, and that decision to tell or not to tell him was entirely theirs to make. The wife has absolutely no say in that, nor should she. I understand her frustrations, but at the end of the day you can’t simply change your mind and decide you want a relationship with the son when he has potentially lived an entirely normal life. If that is the case, it’s hard to blame the adopted parents as they likely understood it would be a huge blow to the son.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 10:31 am
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:31 am to tigerfoot
quote:
that isn’t how this works
If we're speaking of legalities, you're right. And parents can also kick their kids out of the house at 18 and provide no support for them. Despite that being legal it doesn't make it any less of a shitty thing to do.
The same applies here.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:33 am to Azkiger
Maybe he wouldn’t want to know. The only people who likely could have come close to accurately predicting his reaction would be the people closest to him. Aka the adopted parents.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:37 am to cas4t
quote:
Maybe he wouldn’t want to know. The only people who likely could have come close to accurately predicting his reaction would be the people closest to him. Aka the adopted parents.
That would be a good piece of information to share with the biological mother, as opposed to returning her letters unopened with a response that's paraphrased as "Stay out of our lives".
Based off that it doesn't sound like what you're suggesting is the case.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:38 am to cajunangelle
quote:
A man does not understand a mothers bond. It seems as if all the replies in this thread like yours, are from men who just don't get it. That just because she gave him up for adoption, does not make the pain and grief for her; any less than the adoptive parents pain and grief.
Well, frick you first of all. We understand a mothers bond just fine. Men have this thing called a fathers bond, and it runs just as thick.
Also, her grief at the end of the day has nothing to do with it. I have empathy for her, but her interjecting herself into their lives right now could do more harm than good. Unfortunately you sign up for a potential lifetime of regret when you make the very unselfish decision to give your child up for adoption. But it’s somehing that you simply have to live with.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 10:42 am
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:38 am to HubbaBubba
We found my husband's birth mother in order to get medical history for the sake of our daughter. Initially, my husband was not interested in contact but our children (teenagers) very much wanted to meet her. When meeting was arranged, my husband changed his mind and wanted in. Ongoing positive relationship ensued and my husband also gained a younger brother - his only sibling. Adoptive parents were introduced, and although everyone got along, they felt betrayed by the judge who told them that this could never happen.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:40 am to HubbaBubba
quote:
You know, for most people, that may be the right way to look at it, and may still be right here, but she waited until he was a grown man to even consider making contact. His adoptive parents stood in the way, even though he should have been able to make his own decision
As an adoptive father...stay the frick out of the parents life. She gave up her rights when she put him up for adoption. No one wants you reaching out 27 years later trying to say Hi. Seriously can cause many issues in a family. Imagine if he had siblings who didn’t know he was adopted? And you want to say Hi...but could send this family into a tailspin. Stop being selfish, and move on. Sorry to be so straight forward, but I can tell you first hand to stay the heck out of it if you’ve been asked to.
quote:
His adoptive parents stood in the way, even though he should have been able to make his own decision
Are you freaking kidding me? Sorry, I had to edit to address just this. No, your wife stood in the way of knowing her son when she signed him over for adoption to a loving family who took him in. They adopted him...it’s their son. If they don’t want him to meet the host he came out of (that’s technically all she is, the term Mother is earned) then that’s their right.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 10:47 am
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:40 am to Azkiger
How does that not sound like the case? think they fact that they vehemently pushed her away makes it very obvious they either didn’t tell the son he was adopted or they did, and he didn’t want to meet his biological mother.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:43 am to liz18lsu
quote:
Yes, my "sister" is actually my first cousin. My mom was the first person to cradle her. My aunt didn't want to be a mom and treated my sister just like a niece. When my aunt died, she split the money equally between the 3 nieces, me, my sis/cousin and my other cousin. She showed no preference to her bio daughter.
Interesting
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:44 am to Azkiger
What makes you believe most adults would want to know? I’d argue many would prefer to just carry on their normal life without having this bombshell dropped on them. I personally think I’d be in that boat. It would be such a disruptor.
The entire point of adoption is to give a child a normal and better life that it could not have had otherwise. Just let that process do what it’s intended to do.
The entire point of adoption is to give a child a normal and better life that it could not have had otherwise. Just let that process do what it’s intended to do.
This post was edited on 12/31/17 at 10:48 am
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:47 am to cas4t
quote:
How does that not sound like the case? think they fact that they vehemently pushed her away makes it very obvious they either didn’t tell the son he was adopted or they did, and he didn’t want to meet his biological mother.
I think if they told the son, and he said he didn't want to meet his biological mother, that information would have been passed onto the biological mother in order to try and convince her to not make contact.
There's no mention of that, so I think its safer to assume that the son didn't know. My comments are operating under the assumption that he didn't know. I'm on the side of the fence that he at least deserves to know considering his age.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:48 am to cas4t
quote:
It would be such a disruptor.
Trust me it would be in most cases
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:52 am to Azkiger
And I’m of the side that if they never told him, and didn’t want to now, it’s for good reason. They likely understood it would not go over well. Maybe he was already battling demons. Depression, addiction, rocky marriage, etc...this News could have sent things into a spiral. Only they really understand that because they are there.
I know if I were to adopt, which my wife and I have discussed, I would want assurances that the biological parents could not barge back into their life and potentially frick things up for us or the child. Now, maybe later on I tell the child. But maybe not. I’d like to think if I decided not to it would be because I knew my child well enough to predict the reaction.
I know if I were to adopt, which my wife and I have discussed, I would want assurances that the biological parents could not barge back into their life and potentially frick things up for us or the child. Now, maybe later on I tell the child. But maybe not. I’d like to think if I decided not to it would be because I knew my child well enough to predict the reaction.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:53 am to HubbaBubba
Don't know if it has been mentioned, but since you have the obituary, you should be able to locate the cemetery where her son is buried. Maybe take her there as some closure? The adoptive parents wouldn't know, and it could be cathartic for your wife.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 10:54 am to Azkiger
I’ll concede many would want to know. But that doesn’t change anything else I’ve posted. They know better than anyone how he’d react.
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