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Started By
Message
1
Posted on 4/11/18 at 6:25 pm to Big EZ Tiger
quote:
.I was so ugly as a child that my mother breastfed me through a straw.
I was so ugly as a child that whenever my dad would get a new wallet he'd leave the pictures that came with it in it
Posted on 4/11/18 at 6:45 pm to 777Tiger
Rodney
“I jumped into a taxi at the airport and told the driver to take me where some easy action was. He took me to my place.”
“I jumped into a taxi at the airport and told the driver to take me where some easy action was. He took me to my place.”
Posted on 4/11/18 at 6:50 pm to Mr. Hangover
quote:
No love for George Carlin?
I know he wasn’t big on one liners
Yea, no love for Carlin. Read the title. He was the polar opposite of a one-line comic. Dude was definitely NOT the king of one liners.
He was the king of comedy, period.
Posted on 4/11/18 at 7:03 pm to Damone
quote:
Did Rodney Dangerfield have the best one-liners?
Close...
#3
#2
#1
Posted on 4/11/18 at 7:47 pm to TigerBR1111
quote:
“I jumped into a taxi at the airport and told the driver to take me where some easy action was. He took me to my place.”
my wife was such a lousy cook the flies would pitch in to have the hole in the screen door repaired
This post was edited on 4/11/18 at 7:51 pm
Posted on 4/11/18 at 7:58 pm to jefforize
quote:
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Posted on 4/11/18 at 10:35 pm to GurleyGirl
My all-time favorite Dangerfield “no respect” joke:
Last time I went to see the doctor, I told him: ‘Doc, I think my wife has VD’. He gave HIMSELF a shot of penicillin.
Last time I went to see the doctor, I told him: ‘Doc, I think my wife has VD’. He gave HIMSELF a shot of penicillin.
Posted on 4/11/18 at 10:48 pm to Damone
"I asked my wife what she wanted for our anniversary.... she said to be taken to the most expensive restaurant in town. So I took her to the airport."
Posted on 4/11/18 at 10:51 pm to Damone
"The other night my wife and I were about to have sex. She told me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt. So, I did it three times and punched her in the mouth."
Posted on 4/11/18 at 11:07 pm to LSURussian
I tell you John, I get no respect......
My daughter got pregnant from eating fried chicken.
It was finger licking good and one thing led to another....
No respect....
My daughter got pregnant from eating fried chicken.
It was finger licking good and one thing led to another....
No respect....
Posted on 4/11/18 at 11:08 pm to Righteous Dude
quote:
Groucho is trying to talk some rich lady into marrying him and he says, "ah, I can see you now bending over a hot stove, but I can't see the stove.
I'm 100% sure that it's Duck Soup. Great movie full of Groucho one-liners. My favorite from the movie, "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."
Posted on 4/11/18 at 11:20 pm to Damone
“I told my psychiatrist that I thought I was turning into a dog. He told me to get off of his couch!”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife”
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife”
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
This post was edited on 4/11/18 at 11:30 pm
Posted on 4/12/18 at 12:20 am to Damone
Im telling ya, no respect... had to start a one-liner thread with four lines.
Posted on 4/12/18 at 12:46 am to Damone
"My wife told me she wanted to have sex in the back seat of a moving car."
"She asked me to drive."
"She asked me to drive."
Posted on 4/12/18 at 6:44 am to brian_wilson
Churchill: Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.
Mitch H: I saw a wino eating grapes I said, “Dude you have to wait”
G Marx: I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
Dangerfield (paraphrasing) - I bought a 2-story house. When they sold it to me, I got one story, and after I moved in, it was a whole different story.
Mitch H: I saw a wino eating grapes I said, “Dude you have to wait”
G Marx: I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
Dangerfield (paraphrasing) - I bought a 2-story house. When they sold it to me, I got one story, and after I moved in, it was a whole different story.
This post was edited on 4/12/18 at 4:50 pm
Posted on 4/12/18 at 8:28 am to SportsGuyNOLA
quote:
Last time I went to see the doctor, I told him: ‘Doc, I think my wife has VD’. He gave HIMSELF a shot of penicillin.
Posted on 4/12/18 at 8:33 am to NYCAuburn
quote:
Don Rickles
A worthy competitor and the first person that popped into my mind when I saw the thread title. Dangerfield and Rickles were fantastic.
Thinking about it though I'd say that Rickles was the king of roasts. He could rip someone apart in a roast like no one else.
This post was edited on 4/12/18 at 8:43 am
Posted on 4/12/18 at 8:42 am to Damone
My neighborhood is really going downhill.
The other day, I'm coming home from work and some guy's running down my street naked.
I yelled, "Hey buddy. Why are you running down the street naked?"
He says, "You came home early."
So I asked, "Who said you could sleep with my wife?"
He says, "Everybody."
Rodney was the greatest.
The other day, I'm coming home from work and some guy's running down my street naked.
I yelled, "Hey buddy. Why are you running down the street naked?"
He says, "You came home early."
So I asked, "Who said you could sleep with my wife?"
He says, "Everybody."
Rodney was the greatest.
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