Phone service in Europe?

Most major airports will have a phone store after you exit passport control. Unless you're fluent in the local language, you might fare better by buying a sim at one of the airport stores, as the employees are more likely to speak English there.

Also, what kinda crazy offbrand provider doesn't offer European service?

Buying a local sim card is the way to go.....if your phone is unlocked. I have paid as little as 5 euro for a 1 gig data (unlimited talk and 1000 texts) to $25 for 1 gig data (netherlands). It just depends on what country you are in.