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re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:23 am to Azkiger
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:23 am to Azkiger
Your poll was 88% of people saying they think kids should know, if they want. Not 88% of people saying if they were adopted they’d personally want to know. I think that’s a bit different.
But I’m not saying most people wouldn’t want to know. I’m sinply saying the parents in this particular case would know better than you or I. And they chose not to tell him it seems.
But I’m not saying most people wouldn’t want to know. I’m sinply saying the parents in this particular case would know better than you or I. And they chose not to tell him it seems.
2
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:24 am to cas4t
So you can't point to anything that's been stated so far that would lead you to believe that the adopted parents had a good idea that their son wouldn't have wanted to know?
I'm with you if that's actually the case. I just don't see any reason for that to be the case. In fact I see the opposite. Not even reading the biological mothers letters?
Refusing to even read the letter suggests to me that they don't care what others think, they want what they want. Not attempting to reason with the biological mother as to why she needs to remain out of his life also suggests that.
I'm with you if that's actually the case. I just don't see any reason for that to be the case. In fact I see the opposite. Not even reading the biological mothers letters?
Refusing to even read the letter suggests to me that they don't care what others think, they want what they want. Not attempting to reason with the biological mother as to why she needs to remain out of his life also suggests that.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:25 am to Azkiger
quote:
... to prevent what appears to be a fairly motivated biological mother from contacting their adopted son who's going through a very rough spot in life (your own suggestion).
You really don't get it. How potentially harmful this is to all parties. The son, him potentially rejecting bio mom, the pain of the adoptive parents, feeling betrayed. The knowledge doesn't promote anything healthy, if it is decades later.
It is one thing if the adoptive parents tell the child early on, but if they don't (again, their decision), no good comes that many years later. Let these people live their lives, without disruption.
Also, remember, in this case, bio mom made the inappropriate contact.
Sure, there are some fairy tales. Most situations I have seen, when a birth parent pops in years later, is painful for all involved. Let it go, man.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:25 am to Azkiger
They prevented it just fine.
Again, sharing personal info about the son could reflect poorly on them as parents, in their eyes. I could see where you wouldn’t want people, especially the bio mother, knowing.
Plus, at the end of the day....it’s simply none of her business.
Again, sharing personal info about the son could reflect poorly on them as parents, in their eyes. I could see where you wouldn’t want people, especially the bio mother, knowing.
Plus, at the end of the day....it’s simply none of her business.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:25 am to Rebel
quote:
The adoptive parents have been clear they don’t want biological Mom to pursue a relationship
Very selfish and totally unfair to both the child and birth mother.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:28 am to Azkiger
Hell, it could be as simple as when they adopted the child it was under the assumption that they would not tell him he was adopted because of selfish reasons. That’s their right as well. I may not agree with it, but every situation is different, and I can certainly see where someone would want a standard mom, dad, children household without the underlying elephant in the room that the kid, or one of the kids, is adopted.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:28 am to bconne1
quote:
bconne1
Wow, you should be banned for that.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:29 am to islandtiger
Unfair to birth mother? She signed up for potential lifetime of regret. They do not owe her anything. They raised her kid for her already for fricks sake. She should be grateful.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:29 am to cas4t
quote:
Your poll was 88% of people saying they think kids should know, if they want.
The question was "Do they have the right to know". I think the son had the right to know, and likely would have wanted to know.
You brought up two good reasons to keep it from him, somehow they knew he wouldn't have wanted to know or he was going through a rough patch in life. I'm good with those reasons. I think it'd be a smart decision to try and reason with the biological mother to keep her out because its really easy to find people now-a-days through social media, especially since they already had a bead on the adopted parents address/business/etc.
They didn't appear to do that, though. Based on how they treated the biological mother it seems to me that the decision was more likely a selfish one. But I guess there's not enough information to say for sure.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:30 am to islandtiger
quote:
Very selfish and totally unfair to both the child and birth mother
Birth mother gave up any rights when she gave baby up for adoption.
Who are you to claim you know better how to raise the adoptive parents kid?
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:30 am to islandtiger
quote:
agree. We never kept it a secret fromnour daughter and shared pictures and other information about her bith mother as soon as she was old enough to understand the concept
Kudos
You did what was in the best interest of your child. This was best for her emotional health and to help her to grow up to not feel "damaged". This is how my husband's parents handled the situation. He even remembers having a book explaining that he was special because he was chosen.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:30 am to Azkiger
I’ll agree that we are both speculating on a very complex situation.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:31 am to HubbaBubba
Man that’s terrible. I think I would take some time to grieve then consider reaching out to the widow when you think the time is right. Maybe a relationship with her and the grandkids could be a silver lining.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:32 am to RogerTheShrubber
Good point. And it was made later as well. I think the longer you wait, the harder it is to tell. And the more damaging it could be. If you grow up knowing you’re adopted, you can accept it. I can’t imagine getting a bombshell like that at 27. I’m 29 and picturing it right now and I think it would shake me to my core to find out my parents weren’t my biological parents.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:33 am to Rebel
quote:
Birth mother gave up any rights when she gave baby up for adoption. Who are you to claim you know better how to raise the adoptive parents kid?
/thread
I think it's selfish to give a kid up for adoption at birth and then try and track them down years later. Anyways, sorry to hear about that OP. You and your wife's relationship may never be the same.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:34 am to Rebel
islandtiger adopted and let the child know early. Many don’t do that, because they adopt for different reasons.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:34 am to Rebel
quote:
Birth mother gave up any rights when she gave baby up for adoption.
Really weak argument. No one is arguing that the biological mother has any rights. My daughter, once she turns 18, has no rights for me to continue supporting her financially.
Still, me kicking her out at 18 would be a shitty decision.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:34 am to cas4t
It's quite possible the adoptive parents told him he was adopted and she was reaching out. He may have said he wasn't interested in knowing her.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:35 am to liz18lsu
Why? The OT asks for pics all the time. It’s kind of a thing, honey.
Posted on 12/31/17 at 11:35 am to cas4t
quote:
She signed up for potential lifetime of regret.
Wow. No, she did what she thought was best for her child, but likey always hoped she would connect with her child when he was older. Not the same as a lifetime of regret.
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