Alcoholism: Why it sucks.

I keep beating it and losing. The best way to describe it to people who aren't alcoholics is this: Do you ever just crave a food and feel like no other food will do? That's essentially what we feel, but we're willing to risk everything to get it. We ignore the possibility of seizures, nausea and other issues we might face by deciding not to. Either way, we put ourselves and those that care about us in jeopardy. We desperately crave alcohol. Beyond the risks to ourselves, we risk the lives of others by driving drunk to wherever alcohol is. Luckily and unluckily for me, my mother died driving drunk when I was young. I've never driven drunk. I've wanted to and never have.

The craving is either so intense that nothing in the world can stop you, or so crippling that you give up on everything. I'm a little different. I only rarely crave alcohol, but no matter the setting, if I have one drink I'll keep going until I'm almost passed out. The other night I drank almost two fifths of whiskey. The hangover was a bitch, but here I am, again, after another innocuous get together, drunk as hell and wondering why.

I know I can do better. I'm not weak. Just today I turned down a job offer that didn't make sense to me (pay, hours, the lack of experience of other people being brought on). That's not something random. Most of the time, I'm perfectly capable of making good decisions and doing the right thing. This is a different sort of thing. It's not as simple as being a genius or a dullard. It's about being controlled by a substance. Don't misunderstand me. We're people; we operate normally a huge amount of the time. At least functional alcoholics do. But we fall down constantly, and the reasons are obvious. You can't have a major desire to be drunk and still succeed.

If you're in that boat or feel like you might be, here's a good go between between AA and keeping it to yourself.

I have a problem. Luckily I have the support of friends and family and my situation isn't that dire. But I'm constantly aware that it could be, and to those of us who plan on having a future, that's unacceptable.

I try to keep things light here, but this site is too special and full of good people to not share insight.

If you need help, call your local AA group. If you don't want to do that, contact me. Anyone who's serious about quitting, know that I'm not perfect and I'm only a short way into recovery, but talking to someone who's also struggling may be what you need.

Let's fix this, or die trying. The alternative is dying without trying. I know what I'd rather do.