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Started By
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Money, kids and ethics question...
Posted on 3/26/09 at 6:37 pm
Posted on 3/26/09 at 6:37 pm
I have two kids, a girl and a boy. They're both in their late 20s and married to great spouses.
The son and his wife have a kid and are going through some tough times with a job change. They have not asked for any help. I want to give them 10K.
The daughter and her husband are doing very well and spend a lot of their time on expensive vacations. They don't need the money. But if she found out I gave the son that much she would be pissed.
PS...the daughter never emails, visits, etc. The son and I are very close. But I've always been told that if you give money to one child you must give an equal amount to the other. I can't afford to give each 10K.
Have any of you had similar experiences?
The son and his wife have a kid and are going through some tough times with a job change. They have not asked for any help. I want to give them 10K.
The daughter and her husband are doing very well and spend a lot of their time on expensive vacations. They don't need the money. But if she found out I gave the son that much she would be pissed.
PS...the daughter never emails, visits, etc. The son and I are very close. But I've always been told that if you give money to one child you must give an equal amount to the other. I can't afford to give each 10K.
Have any of you had similar experiences?
12
Posted on 3/26/09 at 6:47 pm to Zach
Can your son keep a secret. This is a tough one,but if your daughter ever really needed help,I`am sure you would do the same for her. Help your son out if he needs it. My two cents.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 6:59 pm to Zach
This is a question only you can answer. You know your kids better than we do. I would certainly not begrudge my parents giving money to my brother if he needed it, but I know some people would. Only you know how your family will respond.
I will offer this advice only - do not try to keep it a secret. That's just asking for trouble. IMO these things work out better if hey are kept above board at all times. Otherwise it becomes a trust issue.
I will offer this advice only - do not try to keep it a secret. That's just asking for trouble. IMO these things work out better if hey are kept above board at all times. Otherwise it becomes a trust issue.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:06 pm to Zach
Help your son out. The daughter would be way out of line if she gets pissed and if she does, that is absolutely absurd and she will just have to get over it. Period.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:09 pm to Cold Cous Cous
quote:
do not try to keep it a secret. That's just asking for trouble.
I agree with this; I wouldn't try to keep it a secret by denying it if it ever came up. In the same breath, the son may feel bad if his sister knows about their struggles.
To answer the question, I would give my child the money if I felt it was needed.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:16 pm to Cold Cous Cous
quote:
This is a question only you can answer. You know your kids better than we do. I would certainly not begrudge my parents giving money to my brother if he needed it, but I know some people would. Only you know how your family will respond.
I will offer this advice only - do not try to keep it a secret. That's just asking for trouble. IMO these things work out better if hey are kept above board at all times. Otherwise it becomes a trust issue.
well I am still pissed about inequalities in my sister and I growing up. She had a car bought for her (actually 2), I had to buy mine. her college was picked up for the first two years, I had to pay for mine. The grandparents also loaned her money for a car, which she never repaid. The other grandkids would be livid if they found out, but alas, she is a minister and the grandparents fricking love that.
btw, my parents had a valid explanation for that as they got divorced between the time my sister was able to do those things. But it still grinds my gears to this day.
eta: I have no suggestion for you. Tough dilemma. Also, my mother loaned me money for grad school at 0% interest, which was nice. Maybe her way of evening that shite out.
This post was edited on 3/26/09 at 7:17 pm
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:16 pm to TIGER2
quote:
Help your son out if he needs it. My two cents.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:17 pm to Zach
quote:
They have not asked for any help
Don't underestimate the possibility your son might be insulted with your offer.
I know if it got bad enough (especially with a child) I could go to my father for help but I would be disappointed if he made the first move under those circumstances.
I say give the son you raised some credit. Maybe indiscretely let it be known you would help but don't mention a figure. Let him make the next move.
You obviously know your son best, however.
Good luck.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:21 pm to Zach
I don't think I'd consider my daughters feelings on the matter..only if my son TRULY needed the help. If he doesn't..then hold back til he does, jmho. Tough call.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:23 pm to poule deau
quote:
Don't underestimate the possibility your son might be insulted with your offer.
It's not for him, it's for his wife. I want to give her money for a new car. She's driving a hazard. He wouldn't accept money from me to pay for anything for him but he would not be offended if it was a gift to his wife. She's absolutely wonderful and I hate to see her driving around in a car that only Milehigh would drive until it seizes up on the side of the rode.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:30 pm to Zach
quote:
He wouldn't accept money from me to pay for anything for him but he would not be offended if it was a gift to his wife.
You sure?
Call me a prideful SOB but I would be more insulted if this were my dad's thoughts. Kinda like I can't provide adequately for my wife and child.
How old is the son, if you don't mind?
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:36 pm to MileHigh
quote:
well I am still pissed about inequalities in my sister and I growing up. She had a car bought for her (actually 2), I had to buy mine. her college was picked up for the first two years, I had to pay for mine. The grandparents also loaned her money for a car, which she never repaid. The other grandkids would be livid if they found out, but alas, she is a minister and the grandparents fricking love that.
MH, I'm going to share a story with you that I've never mentioned on a board or in real life.
When I was 22 and newly married my older brother came into some financial difficulties. He was also married. My parents were poor but they sent a check to my brother and his wife for $400 so they could meet their rent. The idea was that it was a LOAN. And it should be paid back in time.
They gave me and my new wife 400 and we spent it on a washer, dryer that broke. I sent my dad a check for 40 bucks every week for 10 weeks until the loan was paid off.
Fast forward about 25 years. I was sitting on the front porch with my dad as he was one year away from his death. He said, "Zach, remember that money I lent you and your brother when you were first getting started? You paid me back. Your brother didn't. I always knew that you would make out all right, son."
I really miss that old guy.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:37 pm to poule deau
quote:
How old is the son, if you don't mind?
30.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:38 pm to Zach
quote:
She's driving a hazard. He wouldn't accept money from me to pay for anything for him but he would not be offended if it was a gift to his wife.
This is a tough one. Let it be known (discreetly) that you are very concerned about the car your grandkid is riding in, and would be glad to help out...
I don't know your family that well, but if the daughter gets mad tell her you would do the same for her if she was in a bind.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:41 pm to Zach
quote:Yes and no.
Have any of you had similar experiences
My oldest has a disability. We have given and will give to him disproportionately. It's hard. His brother is an outstanding kid (young man) who does everything in the world you could ask and then some. He understands the situation. We are up front with what we are doing in terms of the relative support the kids get.
quote:So, you probably need to ask yourself a couple of questions:
The son and his wife have a kid and are going through some tough times with a job change. They have not asked for any help. I want to give them 10K
Does your daughter need the money?
Does your son?
If you have it to give, but did not, and then something negative came of your son's hardship, how would you feel about that?
If your decision was based on some concern about your daughter, how would that make you feel about her?
What if you hadn't even discussed it with her to begin with?
Would that be fair?
IMO the best thing you could do is take care of your son and be up front about your rationale to your daughter.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:49 pm to Zach
Maybe he would be less insulted if you bought her a car rather than making a straight out gift of cash?
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:49 pm to NC_Tigah
how about giving them each 5K, or just loan the 10K to the son?
Posted on 3/26/09 at 7:49 pm to Zach
quote:
30.
After reading your post about you and your brother, maybe that is the way to approach the situation- as a loan and not a gift.
Your son might be more receptive.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 8:08 pm to Cold Cous Cous
quote:
Maybe he would be less insulted if you bought her a car rather than making a straight out gift of cash?
I thought about that. The problem is that he's an expert on cars and dealerships. I'm not. So it wouldn't be logical.
Posted on 3/26/09 at 8:12 pm to NC_Tigah
quote:
Does your daughter need the money?
Does your son?
These two questions are the only two that matter to me. Yes it's a tough situation and only you will know how he will take your offer (graciously or insulted).
Also, the fact that your daughter doesn't initiate communication often says a alot. I wouldn't feel bad about offering your son something and not offering her the same. He does more for you, so he should get more in return.
quote:
IMO the best thing you could do is take care of your son and be up front about your rationale to your daughter.
True, but I don't see why she even needs to know at all. It's really none of her business.
Zach, if you are able to loan/give the money, I say do it. Of course you know your kids better than us strangers here.
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