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Started By
Message
A guy stopped off at a bar on the way home from work
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:24 am
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:24 am
He had so many drinks that he ended up throwing up all over the front of his shirt. He says to the bartender, "My wife is going to kill me when I get home." The bartender says, "Don’t worry. I have an easy solution. Take a $10 bill out of your wallet, put it in your shirt pocket and when you get home, tell your wife that somebody got so drunk they threw up on you and gave you a $10 bill to get your shirt cleaned." The drunk says, "That’s a great idea. I’ll do it." When he got home, as soon as he walks in the door, his wife shrieks, "You smell terrible." So the guy goes into his explanation. He pats his shirt pocket and says, "A man at the bar got so drunk he threw up all over me and gave me this $10 bill to have my shirt cleaned." The wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out two $10 bills. She says to her husband, "Look at this! He gave you two $10 bills." The husband says, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you he also shite in my pants."
15
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:25 am to Frank Black
you must be at least 75
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:30 am to GreatLakesTiger24
quote:
you must be at least 75
You must mentally be about 12
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:31 am to Frank Black
2 guys walk into a bar with their wives. They say lemme get two Bud Lights and two girly drinks for the wives!
The bartender pours 4 Bud Lights.
The bartender pours 4 Bud Lights.
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:33 am to Shexter
A Frenchman, German, and Irishman are drinking beer at a bar.
A fly lands in each of their beers.
The Frenchman flags the bartender down and asks for another beer.
The German scoops the fly out and continues drinking his beer.
The Irishman takes the fly out, holds it over his glass and screams “Spit it out ya dirty bastard!
A fly lands in each of their beers.
The Frenchman flags the bartender down and asks for another beer.
The German scoops the fly out and continues drinking his beer.
The Irishman takes the fly out, holds it over his glass and screams “Spit it out ya dirty bastard!
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:34 am to Frank Black
For not being amused by a puke and shite joke?
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:35 am to Frank Black
Since you're 75, you probably remember bash.org from way back in the days of the early internet.
quote:
#608100 + (13117) -
cassius_clay13 - so I was with my friend bryan the other night
in a bar
cassius_clay13 - well he got really drunk and said he was
gonna puke
cassius_clay13 - so i helped him walk to the toilet
cassius_clay13 - all the stalls were occupied
emoti_conartist - lol
cassius_clay13 - bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
cassius_clay13 - so he fricking KICKS one of the stall doors open
cassius_clay13 - and there's this guy in there taking a shite
emoti_conartist - hahahahahaha
cassius_clay13 - and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
cassius_clay13 - then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shite... if i were taking a shite and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to frick him up... so i'd better hit him first'
cassius_clay13 - so he fricking SMACKS this guy in the face
cassius_clay13 - and runs away
cassius_clay13 - imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:37 am to GreatLakesTiger24
quote:
For not being amused by a puke and shite joke?
It has nothing to do with that.
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:40 am to GreatLakesTiger24
quote:
For not being amused by a puke and shite joke?
quote:
GreatLakesTiger24
Congrats on finding a way to be an a-hole in a cheery thread.
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:41 am to GreatLakesTiger24
quote:
you must be at least 75
You must be a Bud Light drinker
Posted on 4/24/26 at 11:44 am to Giantkiller
quote:
Congrats on finding a way to be an a-hole in a cheery thread.
It’s now a “jeery” thread
Posted on 4/24/26 at 12:09 pm to Frank Black
This really has to be told in person for maximum impact because of the accents, but I'll post it anyway.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot leave a seaside bar and end up walking along the beach. They are shocked to see a mermaid sitting on a rock. They stand and stare for a while before getting up the nerve to approach her. They make small talk for a bit and the Englishman gets a little bold and asks if she's ever been hugged. She says no, so he walks up, puts his arms around her and hugs her.
The Irishman then asks her "Have you ever been kissed?" Again she says no, so he walks up and kisses her passionately. "That's very nice," she says as she catches her breath.
Finally the Scot walks right up to the rock and says, "Lassie, have you ever been screwed?" She thinks for a minute and says, "No, never." The Scot looks at her and then out to sea and says, "Aye, ye are now. The tide's out."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot leave a seaside bar and end up walking along the beach. They are shocked to see a mermaid sitting on a rock. They stand and stare for a while before getting up the nerve to approach her. They make small talk for a bit and the Englishman gets a little bold and asks if she's ever been hugged. She says no, so he walks up, puts his arms around her and hugs her.
The Irishman then asks her "Have you ever been kissed?" Again she says no, so he walks up and kisses her passionately. "That's very nice," she says as she catches her breath.
Finally the Scot walks right up to the rock and says, "Lassie, have you ever been screwed?" She thinks for a minute and says, "No, never." The Scot looks at her and then out to sea and says, "Aye, ye are now. The tide's out."
Posted on 4/24/26 at 12:26 pm to PJinAtl
I had a rash on my balls so I went to the doctor. Turned out to be a woman doctor. Not bad looking at all. She was holding my balls and looking at them closely. She said you’ve got stop masturbating. I said why. She said because I’m trying to examine you.
Posted on 4/24/26 at 12:50 pm to GreatLakesTiger24
quote:
you must be at least 75
Me and every third grader are smiling today fo so....
Posted on 4/24/26 at 12:53 pm to Frank Black
That's a good one hahahahha. 
Posted on 4/24/26 at 12:55 pm to Frank Black
It was funnier when Gilbert Gottfried told it.
Posted on 4/24/26 at 1:01 pm to GreatLakesTiger24
I recently has stomach surgery and my doctor told me to avoid laughing while the wounds heal. Therefore, I am going to follow you until I get better. Thanks.
Posted on 4/24/26 at 1:11 pm to Frank Black
How bout just not stopping at a bar room. Drinking alcohol in 2026 is trash as f***
Posted on 4/24/26 at 1:15 pm to Frank Black
A freshman at Iowa is on the wrestling team. He goes the entire year without losing once. Makes it all the way to the NCAA championship match. Just before the match his coach says
" You have done some amazing things this year and exceeded every expectation I had. But, you are about to face an undefeated 5-year senior. He has never lost." The freshman nodded.
The coach then said "listen to me carefully... you have a long career ahead of you. The guy you are about to face has a particularly bad hold called the pretzel hold. If he gets you in the pretzel hold I am going to throw in the towel and stop the match. You could dislocate an arm and be finished as an elite wrestler". His wrestler said he understood but would do his best.
Both wrestlers climbed into the ring and the match started. In less than 30 seconds the young wrestler was in trouble. To his coaches disappointment his guy was in the pretzel hold. The coach turned around to grab a towel to stop the match and just then... the crowd errupted. He quickly looked back and not only had his guy pulled loose from the pretzel hold, he had pinned the undefeated senior and the ref was counting him out and the match was over. Everyone rushed the mat picking up the young wrestler on their shoulders and celebrating.
Once everything died down the coach finally had a chance to speak to his wrestler. He said "Oh my god, I don't know what happened. You were in the pretzel hold, I turned around and somehow you got loose and won. How did you do that?".
The young wrestler said "you were right coach, that pretzel hold was a bitch. He had me and I was on the verge of passing up. But just before I blacked out I looked up and saw his nut suck and I reached up as far as could with my neck and bit down as hard as I could". The coach said "Is that how you got out of the pretzel hold and won?"
The wrestler looked at his coach and said "yes coach.... you would be surprised at what you can do when you bite yourself in the nuts".
" You have done some amazing things this year and exceeded every expectation I had. But, you are about to face an undefeated 5-year senior. He has never lost." The freshman nodded.
The coach then said "listen to me carefully... you have a long career ahead of you. The guy you are about to face has a particularly bad hold called the pretzel hold. If he gets you in the pretzel hold I am going to throw in the towel and stop the match. You could dislocate an arm and be finished as an elite wrestler". His wrestler said he understood but would do his best.
Both wrestlers climbed into the ring and the match started. In less than 30 seconds the young wrestler was in trouble. To his coaches disappointment his guy was in the pretzel hold. The coach turned around to grab a towel to stop the match and just then... the crowd errupted. He quickly looked back and not only had his guy pulled loose from the pretzel hold, he had pinned the undefeated senior and the ref was counting him out and the match was over. Everyone rushed the mat picking up the young wrestler on their shoulders and celebrating.
Once everything died down the coach finally had a chance to speak to his wrestler. He said "Oh my god, I don't know what happened. You were in the pretzel hold, I turned around and somehow you got loose and won. How did you do that?".
The young wrestler said "you were right coach, that pretzel hold was a bitch. He had me and I was on the verge of passing up. But just before I blacked out I looked up and saw his nut suck and I reached up as far as could with my neck and bit down as hard as I could". The coach said "Is that how you got out of the pretzel hold and won?"
The wrestler looked at his coach and said "yes coach.... you would be surprised at what you can do when you bite yourself in the nuts".
Posted on 4/24/26 at 10:08 pm to Tridentds
Did the OP learn this joke from watching Justified?
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