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Message
Inheriting a mentally disabled sibling
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:23 am
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:23 am
My parents are in their 80’s and declining quickly. They are currently caring for my big brother (55) who after 30 years of hard drugs, alcohol, huffing, and homelessness has managed to almost completely fry his brain. He has bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, is deaf, mostly toothless and lives like a hermit in their basement. Making things more complicated, he lives in Missouri and will remain there because it is fairly generous with its benefits compared to Texas where I am.
Has anyone here ever had to manage a dependent sibling from afar? Any advice, legal, emotional, logistical or otherwise?
Lord help me I have already raised three kids and I don’t know if I have the energy for this.
Has anyone here ever had to manage a dependent sibling from afar? Any advice, legal, emotional, logistical or otherwise?
Lord help me I have already raised three kids and I don’t know if I have the energy for this.
40
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:25 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Can he go to a nursing home or similar facility?
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:26 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Do they mind taking care of him? Can he care for himself at all?
If so, maybe he can go into an assisted living facility?
If so, maybe he can go into an assisted living facility?
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:27 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
No advice.. that sounds quite daunting, you have my sympathies.
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:27 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
I feel bad for your parents
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:27 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Prayers man
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:29 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
Has anyone here ever had to manage a dependent sibling from afar? A
No, but I have helped families with special needs children connect with services to try to avoid this situation.
1) You can’t cure him.
2) make sure your parents’ will is very clear. Separate their estate quickly!
3) Get him connected to every govt entity that helps adults
4) Be prepared to walk away. I know that’s cold, but your brother is 55 year old adult, not a child, not your child.
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:30 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
You likely need to get legal advise
You may find a way to protect your portion of your parents assets and let his portion go towards his long-term care, which sounds like may fall at the hands of the state of Missouri
You may find a way to protect your portion of your parents assets and let his portion go towards his long-term care, which sounds like may fall at the hands of the state of Missouri
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:31 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Can you disclaim that inheritance?
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:32 am to mylsuhat
You should be speaking to lawyers immediately. This is absolutely an "ounce of prevention" situation. You have no idea when parents may begin to have cognitive issues and at that point this all becomes 10x more difficult.
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:34 am to CrappyPants
quote:
If so, maybe he can go into an assisted living facility?
I know he wants to stay in their home and big changes can send him spiraling.
Retirement homes are full of 90 year olds and he is still young, it just feels wrong right now although it would be such a relief to me. I don’t even know how to find a good place that might be a fit (ie semi assisted independent living). He also has a criminal history of threatening behavior, which might rule the option out entirely.
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:45 am to CrappyPants
quote:
Do they mind taking care of him? Can he care for himself at all?
Right now they have some symbiosis- he will shovel their snow, take trash out and do things that are physically difficult for them now. They do appreciate the help and are grateful he is around
He can do things an average 12 year old can do but has to have an adult with the rest of it. He wouldn’t be able to manage meds, fill out paperwork, know how to manage money, take care of a home, etc
I am the executor of my parents Will. Everything comes to me and I am to use my brothers half for his care. There are no hard feelings, he completely trusts me to do the right thing. My parents have a decent amount saved and an above average value home. I’m not worried at all about the money.
Some realistic outcomes:
-The house will turn into a dump
-Police will be called at some point when he gets confused or threatens someone
-he will end up on the streets again and will be lost forever.
This post was edited on 6/26/25 at 6:46 am
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:50 am to CoachChappy
quote:
3) Get him connected to every govt entity that helps adults
Like who??? Not snarky, I really need to know who I can start calling
I’m lucky I live in a world of highly functioning adults, but I’m clueless about the world of government entitlement services.
Posted on 6/26/25 at 6:52 am to mylsuhat
quote:And advice.
You likely need to get legal advise
Posted on 6/26/25 at 7:00 am to CoachChappy
quote:
4) Be prepared to walk away. I know that’s cold, but your brother is 55 year old adult, not a child, not your child.
Is he actively doing drugs? Doesn’t sound like it, I could never walk away from my brother. Hopefully parents leave you a good chunk and you can put him in a nice facility that can care for him.
Just read your last post, sounds like money isn’t an issue. Him keeping the house and living in it simply isn’t an option and you need to make that very clear.
This post was edited on 6/26/25 at 7:03 am
Posted on 6/26/25 at 7:00 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Not sure if I'm being funny or not.
Offer someone free rent if they agree to take care of the house and everything/one inside it.
Actually, that's a terrible idea.
Offer someone free rent if they agree to take care of the house and everything/one inside it.
Actually, that's a terrible idea.
This post was edited on 6/26/25 at 7:02 am
Posted on 6/26/25 at 7:12 am to Craft
quote:
Is he actively doing drugs?
Not that I know of. I know my dad scrutinizes his spending and can somehow throttle it, if necessary. Dad recently started noticing weekly $100 charges to a weed store (legal in MO) and quickly cut the cash to his card.
I think if he were still huffing he'd be dead by now. I know he will rip through a case of beer in a couple of hours given the first opportunity and likely drive around. I have zero faith he wouldn't go looking for harder drugs with his new found freedom. My mom lives in a fantasy world where she thinks he has learned from his time on the street and will never do that again. My mom has always lacked basic common sense and is a bit of a ding bat.
Posted on 6/26/25 at 7:14 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Has he had cognitive behavioral therapy help? That would be my first route. In-patient preferred
Posted on 6/26/25 at 7:21 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Try and maybe help him find a sober living home, possibly through a church rehab.
Posted on 6/26/25 at 7:22 am to TigerBaitOohHaHa
Have your parents look into setting up an irrevocable special needs trust so he can receive financial support without jeopardizing his Social Security and Medicaid benefits.
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