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Critique an intro chapter for a book I started..

Posted on 9/12/17 at 7:49 pm
Posted by LSUAlum2001
Stavro Mueller Beta
Member since Aug 2003
47445 posts
Posted on 9/12/17 at 7:49 pm
Prelim Title: Dark Empire Rising

0000 CET April 29th, 1945
U-1055
Keil, Germany

On the night of April 29th, at exactly 0000 hours, Meyer eased his boat into the darkened submarine bunkers of Kiel. All lights were extinguished at dusk to minimize the target profile for night bombing raids and tonight, under a new moon, it was pitch black. Meyer had been in and around Kiel for a few years prior to his own command, and he knew every inch of the facility and didn't need any light to safely navigate the harbor. Slowly, he eased alongside Pier 17B, which was situated further out than any other in the shipyard. The topside crew quietly tied the aft and bow mooring lines as Meyer expertly guided the boat to a complete stop. Distant flashes of light from allied bombing illuminated the night in erratic intervals. An uneasy feeling started to creep into Meyer's gut. He wasn't keen on being out in the open with nowhere to run.

Five minutes had passed before a single flashlight approached the submarine from far down the pier. Meyer and the topside crew tensed, as they tracked the flickering light until it halted directly across from the conning tower. A familiar voice called out.

"Permission to come aboard?" requested Admiral Donitz.

"Granted," replied Meyer as he let out a deep breath.

A few of Meyer's crew maneuvered across to the pier and positioned the gangway over the narrow gap between the pier and the boat. Each man saluted Donitz smartly with a sharp click of their heels and a discreet "Heil Hitler." Donitz returned a quick salute and moved across to the deck of the U-Boat and stopped in front of Meyer.

"I'm sorry, but we need to dispense with the pleasantries. Time is of the essence, Captain." Donitz pointed to a stack of crates on the dock. "I need your men to immediately begin loading all dry goods onto your boat and have them stored within two hours. "Also," he pointed to three very large diesel tankers located further down the dock, "all fuel must be loaded within the same time frame."

"Sir," Meyer asked with a confused look, "it would require at least four hours to complete this task, unless we had help from shipyard personnel."

"All shipyard personnel have been dismissed for the next 12 hours, Captain," Donitz stated with a little impatience in his voice. "Get all of your crew involved, and have every man, including yourself, muster on the pier when you have completed your tasks."

"Yes sir," Meyer replied, afraid that he had offended the highest ranking official in the German Navy. He rapidly barked orders to his crew, and within minutes, every man was busy loading the dry goods and the fuel.

At exactly 0158, Meyer had all 46 of his men standing in parade formation when Donitz approached again. It had been a frantic two hours as every one of his crew was moving on both dock and boat. Meyer did not think it was possible within such a short period of time, but the ships stores were now fully stocked and enough fuel had been loaded for a voyage of over 6,000 nautical miles.

Donitz halted in front of Meyer, giving him and the crew a quick nod of approval. His closest aides had nominated several other commanders with more experience and who were on station nearby, some much closer then Meyer, but Donitz had chosen him. He straightened up and began to speak.

"Men of U-1055," Donitz began, "You have been chosen for one last mission, which, if successful, will guarantee our country's future. However, to make this mission a success, you must not know its true purpose." The whole crew started to feel uneasy.

He motioned with his light and a company of SS guards emerged from hiding and assumed a passive formation around Meyer and his crew. The crew exchanged worried looks with each other. Meyer shot a questioning look at the Admiral.

Donitz raised his hand in assurance and addressed Meyer, "Don't worry, these men will escort you and your crew into a waiting area for the next 1 hour, where you will be able to relax before your lengthy mission."

With a slight nod from Donitz, the SS guards motioned ahead and led the men down the dock and into an empty warehouse with freshly blacked-out windows. He grabbed Meyer by the arm led him to a separate room away from the rest of the crew. He sat Meyer down, withdrew a couple of glasses and decanter from a desk drawer and poured both of them a drink.

"I assume you are wondering what in the hell is going on," Donitz started. "It had to be this way to maintain secrecy. As we speak, one last important piece of cargo is being loaded on board your vessel. From this point forward, until the end of your mission, the aft torpedo room will be off limits to all personnel.
Including you, Captain. A small contingent of SS guards will be placed with the cargo and will protect it at all cost. This includes shooting to kill any of your crew who may interfere with their orders. And speaking of orders, I guess you need to know where you are headed."

Meyer inhaled a little shot of liquor and coughed for a few seconds. A secret cargo being stored on his boat without his knowledge? What in the hell was going on? He was about to speak when Donitz cut him off with a raised hand.

Donitz stood up and walked over to map hanging on a wall. It was a map of the northern countries of South America. He pointed to a coastal city on the southern Caribbean Sea. "This is your destination: Cartegna, Columbia," he said.

"Columbia, why?" Meyer asked.

"For the past year," Donitz started, "since the Allied landing at Normandy, we have been covertly transferring key components of our government to countries in South America: gold, documents, most of our top scientists, as well as several other notable German citizens. As you know, the war will be coming to an end very soon, and both the Russian and Allied countries will undoubtedly punish Germany severely over the start of a second World War in less than 30 years. It is imperative that this last bit of cargo arrive in Cartegna to guarantee our country's survival."

"But sir," Meyer protested. The aft torpedo room is a vital part of a submarine. If we were to run into any enemy ships.."

Donitz interrupted, "You have your orders, Captain. If all goes well, you will avoid enemy detection. To aid you in your mission, we have ordered the majority of the submarine fleet to operate in several key areas." Donitz motioned to a map of the Eastern Atlantic and Europe on the opposite wall. He circled the North Sea off the coast of Great Britain, an area off the coast of Northern Spain. "This should draw their ASW forces away from this planned route." He reached into his jacket and withdrew three folded charts, which outlined a route through the English Channel, across the Atlantic and into the Caribbean Sea to his destination. He handed them to Meyer. "However, if you are engaged by an enemy vessel, use all of your skills to evade. We need this mission to succeed, Meyer. I'm counting on you. All of Germany is counting on you."


This post was edited on 9/12/17 at 8:09 pm
Posted by LSUAlum2001
Stavro Mueller Beta
Member since Aug 2003
47445 posts
Posted on 9/12/17 at 8:09 pm to
Meyer exhaled a short breath, and weighed the situation. "Yes sir," he replied in his firm voice which belied his concerns. The idea that the whole of his country rested on his soldiers slightly disturbed him. He had only been in the service for four years and he began to wonder if he could handle the mission.

"One more thing," Donitz remembered. He pulled out a box and handed it to Meyer. "Congratulations, Krovecaptain." The box held the insignia of full captain, something Meyer wasn't slated to become for another two years.

"Thank you, sir," Meyer beamed. The concerns from a few seconds earlier were washed away by the new surprise of promotion.

Donitz looked at a clock on the wall. It was close to 0300. He finished his glass with a quick tilt. Meyer, taking his cue, did the same. "Well, Captain, we should be getting back to your boat. It's time for you to begin your long journey." He stood up and motioned Meyer ahead of him.

"Sir," Meyer questioned, "What will our orders be once we reach Cartegna?"

"A unit there will remove the cargo in the same fashion which we have loaded it tonight. Once completed, you will sail for the Cayman's, a small island chain a few days north of Columbia . There you will surrender your boat at Georgetown. With luck, you will be back in Germany within a few months."

"But why not surrender in Columbia?"

"We need to mislead our adversaries. The Americans and British have known for the past few months that we have been moving to and from South America. A delayed surrender in a different location would greatly enhance the mission's success after the arrival in Columbia."

Meyer nodded solemnly and both men were quiet as they walked back down the pier toward the moored U-Boat.

The two men reached the gangway directly in front of the U-boat. The crew was already waiting for their captain. Donitz turned to him as they stopped in front of the crew.

"Captain, I will leave it up to you to pass on these orders to your men." He reached out to shake Meyer's hand. "Good luck, and God speed." He turned and left the dock, followed by the SS guards who had escorted the crew to its waiting area.

Meyer stood motionless for a few minutes as he processed all of the last three hours. A rapid trip across the Atlantic Ocean to a small South American country ferrying an unknown cargo of utmost importance to the future of his country. He glanced around the dock. No one else, aside from his crew, was around. He assumed that the SS guards that Donitz mentioned must already be stationed with the cargo in the aft torpedo room. He spun around to face his crew and briefed the crew on their mission. A few showed their displeasure with SS guards being stationed on their boat, but all were eager to board and get out to sea. Meyer barked a few last minute instructions and emphatically stressed that the aft torpedo room being off limits. Within minutes, the crew was scurrying on board and casting off the mooring lines.

Donitz watched the boat move rapidly out to sea from a hidden vantage point. The only sounds were the diesels and the screws making turns out to sea. The SS Captain was standing nearby.

"Were all the arrangements made?" questioned Donitz solemnly.

"Yes, Admiral. The guards on board have been given explicit instructions to remain secluded and not to mingle with the crew. Once they are near their destination, they will proceed with the final aspect of the operation," replied the captain flatly.

Donitz knew that, regardless of the mission's success, this would be the last time he would ever see Rudolf Meyer alive. He frowned and left the dock.
Posted by LSUCouyon
ONTHELAKEATDELHI, La.
Member since Oct 2006
11335 posts
Posted on 9/12/17 at 10:12 pm to
Good read so far!
You have my attention. Carry on .
Posted by Sody Cracker
Distemper Ward
Member since May 2016
3409 posts
Posted on 9/13/17 at 6:02 am to
Great opening. I am hooked.
Posted by BrotherEsau
Member since Aug 2011
3565 posts
Posted on 9/13/17 at 9:13 am to
Well, I want to keep reading it. Well done.
Posted by studentsect
Member since Jan 2004
2280 posts
Posted on 9/13/17 at 11:00 am to
I thought it was really well done, and would keep reading. That said, you are looking for criticisms, so here goes:

quote:

Slowly, he eased alongside Pier 17B, which was situated further out than any other in the shipyard.

Use "farther" for physical distance.

quote:

"I need your men to immediately begin loading all dry goods onto your boat and have them stored within two hours. "Also," he pointed to three very large diesel tankers located further down the dock, "all fuel must be loaded within the same time frame."

quote:

"But sir," Meyer protested. The aft torpedo room is a vital part of a submarine. If we were to run into any enemy ships.."

Quotation marks issues (though could just be because of how the breaks appear on my screen).

quote:

Donitz halted in front of Meyer, giving him and the crew a quick nod of approval. His closest aides had nominated several other commanders with more experience and who were on station nearby, some much closer then Meyer, but Donitz had chosen him. He straightened up and began to speak.


I don't mind the style of changing perspectives, but I found the transition from Meyer to Donitz unnecessary here (unlike at the end). We were inside Meyer's head, then jumped into Donitz for one not especially useful thought, then jumped back into Meyer's. If you're going to go third-person limited with alternating viewpoints, I think you need to be careful with how you handle transitions. Switching for one thought can be confusing (as opposed to the way you ended the chapter, where there was a clear shift from Meyer on the boat to Donitz on the dock).
Posted by S
RIP Wayde
Member since Jan 2007
164665 posts
Posted on 9/13/17 at 12:17 pm to
quote:

"Granted," replied Meyer as he let out a deep breath.


Try "Granted," Meyer replied, exhaling deeply.

Just keep writing. You'll go back and spot things like this on your revisions.

Looks like an interesting project. working on one or two myself. Good work baw
This post was edited on 9/13/17 at 12:19 pm
Posted by LSUAlum2001
Stavro Mueller Beta
Member since Aug 2003
47445 posts
Posted on 9/13/17 at 12:28 pm to
You're right about that. That intro chapter has already been through several iterations.

There will also be a 2nd short intro chapter as well around 1715. Still working on that part. Everything else will be present day.

I should strike while the iron is hot. Nazis are making a comeback.



Posted by S
RIP Wayde
Member since Jan 2007
164665 posts
Posted on 9/13/17 at 1:52 pm to
Yea man im always down to read about uboats.
Posted by LSUAlum2001
Stavro Mueller Beta
Member since Aug 2003
47445 posts
Posted on 9/13/17 at 1:59 pm to
I bought several UBoat books just for the research.

Also, the Uboat chosen in the intro (U-1055) was considered lost with all hands on April 23, 1945 and Meyer was the Captain.

ETA: I spent 4-5 months training on a US 1960s era submarine. Of course, it's nothing like a Uboat, but it gives me a good understanding of the tight quarters on them.
This post was edited on 9/13/17 at 2:57 pm
Posted by TheTideMustRoll
Birmingham, AL
Member since Dec 2009
9654 posts
Posted on 9/14/17 at 10:04 pm to
quote:

Cartegna, Columbia


I think you mean Cartagena, Colombia.

Nice read. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it and would definitely read more.
Posted by Tigerstark
Parts unknown
Member since Aug 2011
6558 posts
Posted on 9/15/17 at 8:11 am to
quote:

I bought several UBoat books just for the research. Also, the Uboat chosen in the intro (U-1055) was considered lost with all hands on April 23, 1945 and Meyer was the Captain. ETA: I spent 4-5 months training on a US 1960s era submarine. Of course, it's nothing like a Uboat, but it gives me a good understanding of the tight quarters on them.


That's some nice detail from the real world to add in there. But...

quote:

April 29th, at exactly 0000 hours, Meyer eased his boat into the darkened submarine bunkers of Kiel. All lights were extinguished at dusk to minimize the target profile for night bombing raids and tonight, under a new moon


Did you research the lunar table and weather for Kiel on April 29th?

Posted by pkloa
Member since Jan 2011
2280 posts
Posted on 9/15/17 at 8:31 am to
I would recommend using German words stylistically for proper nouns or semi-important words, like with Captain Meyer's rank. The standard English spelling is Colombia, Google Translate makes it Kolumbien. Trust your readers will understand or will put in a little effort. This is something you can continue in the present day with your fanatical German a-hole character(s).
Posted by Tigereye10005
New York, NY
Member since Sep 2016
1592 posts
Posted on 9/18/17 at 10:59 am to
quote:

On the night of April 29th, at exactly 0000 hours


If it's exactly 0000 hours you shouldn't use the word "night." Could just say "On April 29th, at exactly..."

Something like that. Great read so far though! Keep it up.
Posted by CelticDog
Member since Apr 2015
42867 posts
Posted on 9/22/17 at 1:04 pm to
Nice work.

Consider adding a couple of sentences describing in microscopic detail about the protagonist.
Allow identification.
Sounds walking.
Breath.
Hands.

Something that lets us know hes a human.

2cents.

Nice work.
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