In Blow To Democrats, SCOTUS Rules They Have To Stop Being Racist

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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a devastating setback to the Democratic Party, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that they have to stop being racist.

In a 6-3 decision, the Supreme Court ruled today that discriminating based on a person's skin color is, in fact, illegal. The verdict comes as a heavy blow to the Democratic Party, which has vowed to keep fighting for the right to be openly racist.

The majority opinion, authored in unusually plain English, opens with the line, "Seriously, you guys can't keep doing that," before citing centuries of legal precedent and basic moral reasoning.

"This is a dark day for our democracy," said Democratic Representative Pete Aguilar. "We've been racist for a long, long time. Frankly, we believe that all voting district maps should be drawn based on the locations of fried chicken eateries. What's the problem with that? Not being racist would be really hard, and we don't want to. This is a disgusting overreach of an unhinged Supreme Court."

At publishing time, Democratic leaders had asked for clarification as to whether they could still be racist against "breakfast tacos."

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