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Message
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Posted on 5/14/23 at 12:31 pm to lnomm34
quote:true - but I do have to say - i deal with a lot of older people who have lost someone where I work - most of the ones that find a hobby or some sort of service or ministry (or had one before their spouse passed away) - have dealt a lot better with life than the ones who didn’t. Everyone grieves differently - so just be there for her. Let her be angry but don’t forget to tell her how much you love her.
frick this is a sad thread for Mother’s Day.
Posted on 5/14/23 at 12:43 pm to jscrims
quote:
How long does it take for the other parent to either learn to cope with the loss or at least not be the meanest person on the planet? I know their loss is great but it has gotten to the point where I am taking 2 steps back in my own grieving process.
Try to understand that your Mother is trying to come to terms with her loss. Not everybody is equipped to cope with this type of loss. This is an opportunity for you work through your own grief by being available to her even when she strikes out at you. It is not an easy thing to do but believe me she is afraid and confused so don't hesitate to reach out for help with grief counseling or help from other family members or friends of your parents.
Posted on 5/14/23 at 12:58 pm to jscrims
quote:
My dad is a big part of her and I understand that. I’m not looking for her to get over him or move on. I’m trying to figure out how to sit in a room with her without her sobbing at the mention or thought of my dad. She 1000% takes it out on me and I’m ok with that, just not ok when she does it to my wife and kids. My brother is a POS and hasn’t made things easier either so keeping the whole f’ing family falls on me too.
That's tough man. I would suggest just trying to go to see her alone most of the time. Not knowing you or your mom, I don't know the dynamic when you are in a room together but if you are at all like me you will need to resist the urge to try to fix things or make her feel better. Just be there and offer a shoulder and a hog, if that is something she would accept. Don't worry about your brother or anyone else, just your mom. Just ask your wife and kids to give her room and understand she is hurting in a way that is different from the rest of you. A time will come soon when she will want you guys around without condition.
Trudge through it, it won't be easy but will be worth it in the end. I wish I had some actual words of wisdom for you.
This post was edited on 5/14/23 at 1:11 pm
Posted on 5/14/23 at 1:19 pm to jscrims
Any advice for handling losing your mother and having your father realize his time is coming up eventually and having him hit the throttle and undo most of what he has worked his life for ?
Posted on 5/14/23 at 2:08 pm to jscrims
I hate that for ya bud. Things will get better. Time helps but the pain is still there.
Funny you post this. I’ve been having some anxiety this last week due to realizing my mother is getting up there in age and she may not be around in a a couple Mothers Day from now.
My dad passed 8 years ago in his early 60s. My mother has times she gets angry with him because he was an alcoholic and though they were divorced, they never stopped loving one another. Sometimes mom will say I’m angry at your dad. He and I should be enjoying retirement together.
I’ve been very blessed. My mother is incredible. She basically raised my brothers and I. Dad was only there for the fun stuff. Hunting, fishing and sports. When going through my first bout cancer the summer after I graduated HS, my dad couldn’t handle it and came to the hospital maybe once while my mother took a sabbatical from work to take care of me along with my then future fiancée and my grandmother. In those 2.5 years, multiple major surgeries, treatments, I spent a little over 425 days in the hospital in that period. My mother was there the entire time. She’s just incredible and I’d do anything I can possibly do to ensure she’s happy. I want her to enjoy retirement. She’s certainly earned it.
I can tell you for a fact that it was harder on my mom, dad, fiancé and brothers watching me fight cancer than it was for me. Yeah, it was awful but I always had a great attitude and accepted that whatever happens I can’t control and I was going to be ok no matter what. This is a main reason I was afraid to have children of my on. After seeing what it did to my mom as a parent, I don’t know if I would’ve had the faith and will to watch my child deal with that. Was worried I’d be seeking solace in whisky bottles like my father did.
I lost my wife nearly 10 years ago now from cancer. She and I were thinking about having kids but once she got sick, it obviously got out on the back burner. I’m now 40 and have yet to remarry. I’ve a couple great women I’ve dated over the last 7 years but relationships were ended once the discussion of having children came up. One of them I should’ve married but hindsight’s 20/20. There’s a piece of me that regrets not having a kid or 2 and think about it sometimes. I’m happy where I’m at in my life right now though. I’ve been blessed in my professional career beyond my wildest dreams and I hunt and fish whenever and wherever I want and the last 2 years I’ve made my mind up that I will not remarry unless God just puts the right one in my life. I know my family worries about me being alone once I’m older but I’m fine being alone. I still date but I make it known I’m not looking for marriage. If the relationship does go well, I’m good keeping a good woman around without the piece paper for the 25-40 years if she’s ok with it. I know most will want marriage but we’ll just have to see.
Sorry for the incredibly ridiculous wall of text and my intention isn’t to hijack this thread. Just saw your post and it struck a nerve so I just had to get that off my chest. All I can say is be there for mom but you need to grieve as well. Things will get better.
Funny you post this. I’ve been having some anxiety this last week due to realizing my mother is getting up there in age and she may not be around in a a couple Mothers Day from now.
My dad passed 8 years ago in his early 60s. My mother has times she gets angry with him because he was an alcoholic and though they were divorced, they never stopped loving one another. Sometimes mom will say I’m angry at your dad. He and I should be enjoying retirement together.
I’ve been very blessed. My mother is incredible. She basically raised my brothers and I. Dad was only there for the fun stuff. Hunting, fishing and sports. When going through my first bout cancer the summer after I graduated HS, my dad couldn’t handle it and came to the hospital maybe once while my mother took a sabbatical from work to take care of me along with my then future fiancée and my grandmother. In those 2.5 years, multiple major surgeries, treatments, I spent a little over 425 days in the hospital in that period. My mother was there the entire time. She’s just incredible and I’d do anything I can possibly do to ensure she’s happy. I want her to enjoy retirement. She’s certainly earned it.
I can tell you for a fact that it was harder on my mom, dad, fiancé and brothers watching me fight cancer than it was for me. Yeah, it was awful but I always had a great attitude and accepted that whatever happens I can’t control and I was going to be ok no matter what. This is a main reason I was afraid to have children of my on. After seeing what it did to my mom as a parent, I don’t know if I would’ve had the faith and will to watch my child deal with that. Was worried I’d be seeking solace in whisky bottles like my father did.
I lost my wife nearly 10 years ago now from cancer. She and I were thinking about having kids but once she got sick, it obviously got out on the back burner. I’m now 40 and have yet to remarry. I’ve a couple great women I’ve dated over the last 7 years but relationships were ended once the discussion of having children came up. One of them I should’ve married but hindsight’s 20/20. There’s a piece of me that regrets not having a kid or 2 and think about it sometimes. I’m happy where I’m at in my life right now though. I’ve been blessed in my professional career beyond my wildest dreams and I hunt and fish whenever and wherever I want and the last 2 years I’ve made my mind up that I will not remarry unless God just puts the right one in my life. I know my family worries about me being alone once I’m older but I’m fine being alone. I still date but I make it known I’m not looking for marriage. If the relationship does go well, I’m good keeping a good woman around without the piece paper for the 25-40 years if she’s ok with it. I know most will want marriage but we’ll just have to see.
Sorry for the incredibly ridiculous wall of text and my intention isn’t to hijack this thread. Just saw your post and it struck a nerve so I just had to get that off my chest. All I can say is be there for mom but you need to grieve as well. Things will get better.
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