Let's talk about crazy relatives

The posters whose aunt tore up the swimming pool with the ax wins. Either Doc or Ella was the poster.

No one has seen my uncle in 10 years, not even his only daughter. He's busy preparing for the zombie apocalypse.

Seriously?

I have a cousin who probably lives in a commune in Brooklyn.

I wish I was joking. He only calls my Mom occasionally and ends every conversation with "are you ready yet?". The good news is if anything like that actually happens, I know where to go.

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He somehow manages to be normal for some periods of time, but when we cracks, he cracks. For example, his parents took away his dog and donated it because he was a fricking terrible owner. He protested by stuffing his pockets with the dog's feces, and clogged up all the sinks and drains in his parents' house with the excrement.

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So that means he must have been saving the dog shite for awhile then right?

Jesus. Is he schizophrenic?

I have an uncle who went to Auburn and got into some heavy prescription drug use down on the Plains before dropping out in the late 90s. When he dropped out, he was still a "good ole country boy" from Brookwood, Alabama. Before heading to Auburn, he was a hardcore partier in high school.

He then moved to Anniston, AL where he doctor shopped for a year or so before getting arrested (for the third or fourth time) and going to rehab.

After going to rehab, he moved to Brewton, AL and was a deckhand on a merchant marine ship for a few years. He dated a girl from Germany he met in Mobile for at least a year. She was absolutely gorgeous and he planned on asking her to marry him, in her homeland, on Christmas Day 2004. When he showed up to her parents' house to share Christmas dinner with them, her dad refused to let him in the house. Needless to say, that relationship ended there.

He then moved back in with his parents (late 20s) and started drinking and smoking pot again. He eventually made a 4.0 in junior college and then another 4.0 at Alabama where he graduated in 2008. However, during his time in Tuscaloosa, he started becoming interested, almost fanatically, with Messianic Judaism and communism simultaneously. He grew a long beard and became rather reclusive.

Now, he is a screaming liberal, library sciences Ph.D. student at Southern Miss and has finally trimmed his beard (because his new lady made him). He is the smartest person in the room and truly believes in academic elitism. I can't remember which Christmas it was, but he actually argued with my dad about why we need a group of people (intellectuals) to dictate our lives.

For some reason, we have always gotten along very well. He is my favorite uncle and always has been because we collectively DGAF

So, if you're keeping track:

Good ole country boy from rural Alabama ----> stoner and heavy drug user ----> Messianic Jew and communist (simultaneously) ----> Ph.D. candidate and true academic elitist

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My cousin is a fairly screwed up dude. He is not right mentally (he's not drool-level retarded or anything), but he has anger issues, depression issues, and causes his parents all sort of trouble. It seems like every two months the cops have to be called in because of his bull shite. He's 33, lives with his parents still, and is way too unstable to hold a job. He somehow manages to be normal for some periods of time, but when we cracks, he cracks. For example, his parents took away his dog and donated it because he was a fricking terrible owner. He protested by stuffing his pockets with the dog's feces, and clogged up all the sinks and drains in his parents' house with the excrement.

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Jesus Tapdancin' Christ