re: I'm not crazy, you're crazy - Borderline Personality Disorder

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just remember that feelings equal facts for a lot of people with BPD.

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This is epidemic in the population at large now.

My first wife was nuts as frick in this way. Everything was my fault and her tantrums eventually would end in a night at a hotel so she could “get it back together.” Of course I was suspicious and found she was fricking a couple of guys from Ciba Geigy, where she worked, in Geismar.

One of therm was called Zach. Short for his last name. He was an operator, she was a lab tech. She begged me not to alert his wife because she was “delicate” and would have had a nervous breakdown. I actually did call her one night but chickened out and hung up. This was in the mid 90s, before widespread cell phones were in use.

I was happy to divorce her arse.

Even after we divorced she accused me of turning the kids against her. I basically told her she didn’t need my help in that regard. I raised our kids to respect their crazy bitch count of a mother and they found out for themselves when they were older how sick she is. They hate her because nothing is ever her fault and she flips the script on everyone, has to get the last word, and is very hateful in her diatribes. She will not seek help. Everything unhappy in her life is the fault of anyone but her.

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Man I feel for you. Delt with it with my friend. Can I make one suggestion when you talk to your therapist? Ask about co-dependency. What are the characteristics, etc. Be brutally honest about yourself. Not saying you ARE co-dependent, but you can become co-dependent by circumstance. If you are co-dependent, your therapist can guide you on an exit strategy.

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this concept of me possibly being a co-dependent is actually pretty jarring for me, because in my mind a co-dependent is a sniveling little guy who needs attention or a mother who keeps her alcoholic son in the house because she needs to take care of him. but I've been reading about the different forms of co-dependency and what they can look like, and I'm definitely seeing myself in a lot of those behaviors - namely the "white knight" complex

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One minute they love-bomb you, but if you cross them in the smallest way they will want to slit your throat

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very accurate description, and another trait is that if you're not their ally you're their enemy, no middle ground

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Maybe she had a bad therapist, maybe not. BPD isn't easily treatable.

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My guess is that the therapist wasnt trained with DBT.

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In fact, many therapists will tell you privately that the treatment isn't going to make your daughter better most likely.

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A lot of therapists won't even return your phone call or email if they find out that they're going to deal with BPD.

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He's probably trauma-bonded to her.

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not sure about trauma-bonding. maybe i need to google this too. all of this is pretty brand new conceptual stuff to me because other than our few attempts at marriage counseling, until recently i've been pretty much completely oblivious to a lot of these psychology concepts.

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One minute they love-bomb you, but if you cross them in the smallest way they will want to slit your throat

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We talking about latino women now?




OP, you never answered me… is your wife constantly on social media?
Only reason I’m asking is because I know a few people who have BPD, and there are a few similarities in each case

1. All three of them were all raised in good households, treated like ‘princesses’ who never could do anything wrong

2. All three of them are very attractive

3. All three of them are CONSTANTLY on social media

my dad has BPD/NPD. childhood was very unstable and chaotic, we were always walking on eggshells at home. Parents were always fighting and dad always had a chip on his shoulder about something somebody did to him, either real or perceived. we also went through years of an acute gambling addiction that ultimately led to their divorce.

there was no gray area with him as a kid, something was either totally right or totally wrong, and he thought it was his job to make sure it was right. he took his anger out on my mom and me especially, i got my arse beat for the smallest of things and he was always able to talk himself into justifying his behavior.

everybody that has been close to him, from his parents to my mom's parents to all our friends and family could see there was something really wrong, but anytime anyone dared to say anything to him about it, he would blow up on them and wouldn't speak to them for months.

he would hold out vendettas against friends and family if he felt slighted. he even came to one of his childhood friends' home with a gun and shot a round in the air because he bought some land from my grandma that he thought she got a bad deal on.

my grandma and my mom begged him to get help for years, but it was always everybody else who was crazy and needed help. at no point did he ever acknowledge he had a problem. this culminated in him being so mad at his dad, who retired early to take care of me during the day so my parents could work and was my favorite person in the world, that i was not able to see him for the last six months of his life and we missed his last christmas on this earth.

something very traumatic happened to him as a kid as a result of the actions of his babysitter, i won't say what that is, but i'm sure you can imagine. i don't think he was ever able to deal with that trauma.

i love my dad and he has really turned into a different guy later in life, but it wasn't till he was in his 50's did he begin to soften his edge. he still won't talk about some of the things i'm most haunted by, but out of respect for him as a dad and now grandpa, i don't think putting him through the ringer will serve any purpose. so, i choose to love him despite his flaws and have faith that he will be a loving grandpa to his grandkids. the rest is between him and god.

i said all that to say, it's not you who's the crazy one because if it were, you wouldn't be questioning yourself. if she's not willing to confront the fact that there could be something wrong with her, then you need to get yourself and your kids(if you have them) away from her until she makes changes. because if you don't, she will continue to screw you up mentally and you're an adult, so you can only imagine what it does to a kid. and as a kid who it did screw up, i'm begging you to get them out of this situation.

thanks to all who have replied with the solid, reasonable advice.

i realize that my handle and info is pretty revealing, and it wouldnt take a tremendous amount of effort for someone on here to discern who i am. i maybe should have opened a sock account for this post in hindsight.

if any of you realize that you know me or my family, please dont say anything to my wife. and please understand that I truly have my family's best interests at heart. i am not here to wife bash.

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She's an OT 10, trust me.

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Aggie

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He's an OT 10, trust me.

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FTFY