re: Have Any of You Married a Cluster B Personality Disorder (Narcissistic, Borderline,etc)?

Shame? The shame is for what my kids have endured. I finally divorced my older kids dads after dealing with diagnosed cluster B without being medicated. I tried hard there, but I had no idea what I was dealing with. Got married so very young. I don’t want to discuss him bc we had many horrible issues due to that stuff, but he is NOT evil. I finally divorced him and jumped right into the next relationship not realizing I was literal prey. PREY. I recount the things he said to me and am horrified now. “I am your knight in shining armor”, etc etc. the rescuer narcissist. He saw someone he thought he could control because I was in a very vulnerable situation when we met. Swept me off my feet, proposed within months, married within a year. EVERY RED FLAG and I saw green somehow. I was so lovespelled/love bombed—it was insane. I then spent about 3 years chasing that until realization set in about 1.5 years ago. I left three times. Filed for divorce. Moved forward—and by 6-8 weeks out, he was always begging me to come back. The last time? He said all the things. Brought the pastor in. Full court press. Used God knowing that was the deal for me—that all I wanted was a Godly man who could lead our family.

I get pregnant within weeks, and still have no idea how (despite knowing how.. but still), and he was elated. The abuse came on again by 5 months pregnant. Then we had a wonderful period after she was born, maybe about two months, where I legit believed he maybe really had found God. And then? A switch flipped and he went insane and it was darker and more evil than EVER before. It gets worse every time. The intentional pain he inflicted on me, the mother of his kids, left me in awe..by then, I had lost most connection with my family, all my friends back in Baton Rouge. He had isolated me so well, but my new village was always watching and waiting. And when I called, they were ready.

So, to answer your question about shame? That’s the reason. My shame is because my uneducated choices led me and my kids through a lot of pain I could and would have avoided had I simply known better. The minute my oldest was born I promised him he would not have a life like I did. And I’ve managed to not give him the same life, but I certainly don’t like the one he’s gotten, either. So that’s hard for me. Really hard. The only thing I care about is being a good mom.

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My shame is because my uneducated choices led me and my kids through a lot of pain

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When we make mistakes and it results in adverse circumstances and pain, I'm just not sure that I would say that the person who made the mistakes should be ashamed of themselves. I think there must be some other word to call it when we are angry at ourselves for our past mistakes.

Don't beat yourself up over it, though. You are now on the right path.

This is tough to read about. I remember when you were still in the LSU band playing Piccolo and Flute - and telling us about it here on TD.

This is very saddening for all whom have "known" you over the years here on TD.

I don’t care about my happiness, though I now realize me being healthy means happy and that’s important for my kids to see.

I care about my kids—that I give them a chance to not have this as their lives one day. Maybe all of this had to happen so they could have better.. but man, I sure unknowingly chose the hard way, didn’t I?

I’m sorry to have hijacked so much of this thread, but my story is a case study for this topic. And I know a lot of you on here who know me IRL have been watching from a distance, for a long time. Some know the details and are probably really happy for me.. y’all know who you are. But my communication with y’all always got cut, along with most others he didn’t approve of, when together.

(no message)

Ps you know I love you and many of y’all. Y’all are like my distant insane family

No

I did check myself into a soul retreat place around spring break when my kids were gone..I brought my flute and surprisingly I wasn’t terrible. I video’d a little for my new friends who have no idea that side of me exists. They just think I’m a country club wife. Little do they know I’m a TOTAL dork. They love it lol

Ok I feel like an a hole. This thread is about many, not me.

I’d like to redirect back to the topic. A few great books I’ve read:

-How to walk into a room
-Recovery from narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, codependency and complex ptsd. (This is a workbook as well)
-healing from hidden abuse

My wife’s father checks all the narcissistic boxes. He’s never been diagnosed because he’d never go to a therapist because he’s a therapist. I have never met anyone like him. Ever.

One of the many games that Borderline's play - The Triangle Game.

It's her. Melissa the co-worker and you.

Wife comes home from work and within 10 minutes she starts up about how awful Melissa is. You shoulda seen the nasty look Melissa gave her today when they were all discussing such and such. Or the rude comment she made.... or Melissa told on her for being 5 minutes late coming back from lunch. 1st grade level stuff.

Keep in mind - you've never met Melissa.

Wife goes to work telling co-workers how awful of a husband you are. You're mean and abusive. She has GOT to get away from you.

So guess what happens over time - you start to dislike Melissa because of the reports you keep getting..

The Co-workers really hate you because of what she tells them about you. So if she slips off one day and has lunch with a new hot guy, she is totally justified. They might even encourage it. They're for sure never going to tell you.

Or - if there is a company function that comes up, say - the company Christmas party, guess what? You and Melissa don't like each other....

And if there is a fight or an episode in public between you and Melissa - your crazy wife takes the credit (inside her head) for having people fight over her.