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Started By
Message
re: Happy Birthday?
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:33 am to IStandBytheU
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:33 am to IStandBytheU
My mom is the one who said something was wrong with me. She was always telling me these stories about how I would always faint, and fall and hit my head. And how she was always worried something was wrong with me when I was very little. And then later, she insisted that I was walking with a limp. And would take me to all these Dr's and insist I was limping. And then later, when I was about 10, she told me that she thought something was wrong with me. Exact words. And that she was going to take me to a psychiatrist. And I remember thinking that if that happened, the psychiatrist would discover the truth. That there was something wrong with me. And they would take me away to a mental hospital or something. So, I started acting different. And I became all happy and upbeat all the time. So my secret wouldn't be discovered. And that was when I began to learn to lie. To create an alternative reality. To wear a mask. To deceive people. And it worked. I "survived" that encounter. So it stuck.
3
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:34 am to No Colors
That is a good thing.
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:34 am to IStandBytheU
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:36 am to No Colors
Oh my God. Of course. That was the only way to react to that. Jesus.
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:37 am to No Colors
This was all because she thought something was wrong with her.
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:40 am to No Colors
(no message)
This post was edited on 11/21/16 at 10:08 am
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:42 am to IStandBytheU
Correct. She was projecting.
Then, the thing about leaving me with the college girls. It was because she didn't think she was a competent mother. So she contracted it out. She abdicated.
I spoke to her about it two weeks ago. Between Pine Grove and Nashville. And she said that every week she left detailed lists with the girls. And that she never knew I wasn't getting to baseball and soccer practice. And that I should have said something....
Then, the thing about leaving me with the college girls. It was because she didn't think she was a competent mother. So she contracted it out. She abdicated.
I spoke to her about it two weeks ago. Between Pine Grove and Nashville. And she said that every week she left detailed lists with the girls. And that she never knew I wasn't getting to baseball and soccer practice. And that I should have said something....
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:44 am to No Colors
No, no, no.
It wasn't your fault.
It wasn't your fault.
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:45 am to No Colors
Was that the first time you had talked to her about this?
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:45 am to IStandBytheU
Good Will Hunting
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:47 am to No Colors
Huh? I haven't seen that in awhile.
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:49 am to IStandBytheU
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:49 am to No Colors
Google: Good Will Hunting, it's not your fault.
Posted on 11/19/16 at 8:54 am to No Colors
Right. Of course. :(
It's not. Your fault.
It's not. Your fault.
Posted on 11/19/16 at 9:03 am to IStandBytheU
A letter I just wrote to my small group from Tennessee:
Guys:
I wanted to share with you guys two powerful moments that I remember from my treatment these past weeks. The first was when I was at Pine Grove in Mississippi. The guy that founded that program is Patrick Carnes. He basically wrote the book on sex addiction. And Eli studied under him, and most SA therapy follows his guidelines around the world. Carnes is about 80 now. But he came to speak to us in Hattiesburg right before I left there. And the first thing he said when he got to the podium when he looked out at about 50 of us was: "I want you to know, before I get started, that I forgive you. You are forgiven." And he let it sink in for about two minutes. And about half of the men there broke into tears. And I was maybe the first to start crying.
And the second was when I did a weekend group retreat with my CSAT. And I told my story in front of another group of about 50 men. And when I was done, the group leader said: "I can see that you are trying, really, really hard, to make so many things right." And that got me too. Because no one in my family or friends had told me" "I see how hard you are trying. I am proud of you." He was the first. And it meant a ton to me.
So I wanted to take a moment and tell you guys two things:
One is that I saw in your eyes, how hard you all are trying. And I am proud of you.
And the second is: You are forgiven. I forgive you.
With love, my brothers.
Guys:
I wanted to share with you guys two powerful moments that I remember from my treatment these past weeks. The first was when I was at Pine Grove in Mississippi. The guy that founded that program is Patrick Carnes. He basically wrote the book on sex addiction. And Eli studied under him, and most SA therapy follows his guidelines around the world. Carnes is about 80 now. But he came to speak to us in Hattiesburg right before I left there. And the first thing he said when he got to the podium when he looked out at about 50 of us was: "I want you to know, before I get started, that I forgive you. You are forgiven." And he let it sink in for about two minutes. And about half of the men there broke into tears. And I was maybe the first to start crying.
And the second was when I did a weekend group retreat with my CSAT. And I told my story in front of another group of about 50 men. And when I was done, the group leader said: "I can see that you are trying, really, really hard, to make so many things right." And that got me too. Because no one in my family or friends had told me" "I see how hard you are trying. I am proud of you." He was the first. And it meant a ton to me.
So I wanted to take a moment and tell you guys two things:
One is that I saw in your eyes, how hard you all are trying. And I am proud of you.
And the second is: You are forgiven. I forgive you.
With love, my brothers.
Posted on 11/19/16 at 9:24 am to No Colors
Well, you just made me tear up, too
You have a few more in the friends-for-life category now, it seems. :)
You have a few more in the friends-for-life category now, it seems. :)
This post was edited on 11/25/16 at 11:34 am
Posted on 11/19/16 at 9:34 am to No Colors
This post was edited on 11/28/16 at 6:33 am
Posted on 11/19/16 at 9:39 am to IStandBytheU
I have been trying, so hard.
Posted on 11/19/16 at 9:45 am to No Colors
(no message)
This post was edited on 11/28/16 at 6:33 am
Posted on 11/19/16 at 9:46 am to No Colors
(no message)
This post was edited on 11/21/16 at 10:09 am
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