We all know Derrick. Half baw/Half aspiring rapper. Huk shirt with cargo shorts hanging off his buttocks. Confident in his 50k/yr pipeline or railroad salary’s ability to pull in all the single moms. Older double-wide with a rock driveway, jacked up z71 financed for 11 years, 19ft Epic ski boat with 12 sub woofers, a side x side, and $300 monthly child support that he’s two years behind on. Bitching about the Democrats while also complaining about his food stamps being reduced and Trina’s Medicaid not covering a obgyn appointment.

You may be thinking “Ole Derrick has it made.”. Gone for 3 weeks at a time to exotic West Texas, posting gym pics and Worldstar fight vids daily on Instagram. His “ole lady” has a lil Derrick in the oven while she’s finishing cosmetology school. Seems like a great life.

But....

Derrick doesn’t want to be a Derrick. Debt is piling up, he’s pretty sure the baby in the oven belongs to Daquon, who lives 3 spaces over in Lot 3, and the Saudi’s are flooding the market with cheap oil. Derrick is suffering from anxiety. He cries while listening to Drake via his Rockford Fosgate 15’s, and wonders to himself “If I had only got that GED....”

You can avoid being a Derrick in just a few easy steps.

1) Play sports in school. Don’t not participate just because you want to be able to smoke weed and play NBA2k with the homeboys.

2) Sell all of your NBA and NFL jerseys. Yeah, that Blake Griffin jersey is “fresh”, but it’s only acceptable if you actually play in the NBA or live near MLK Blvd.

3) Every baw wants a lovely woman on his arm. But if she is cool with you referring to her as “bad arse bitch”, “my bitch”, anything with bitch in the title, and is willing to have threesomes with other girls in the Mobile Estates, she’s probably not an ideal partner. Find one that demands respect, is already educated and employed, and hasn’t been divorced by 19.

4) Drinking and driving is bad, mmmkkkayy. Don’t let Daquon and them tell you about an attorney they know that got Lil Mo’s criminal record expunged.

5) Tattoo’s are a bad idea. The one on the upper arm that you can cover up is just a gateway tattoo. Before you know it, you’ll have Rap Lyrics and curse words tattooed above your eyebrow. And never get Trina’s name tattooed anywhere.

6) Yeah, that’s an awesome flatbill Pelicans hat they’re offering as a free bonus for signing up for the Pelicans Rewards VISA Gold card. You’re just going to max it out on trips to fine restaurants like TGIFridays and The Panda Buffet and matching Jordan 13’s for you, Trina, and Daquon’s son. 27% interest is a bitch. You can buy that hat for $20 bucks at Finish Line and not have to make minimum payments for the next 11 years.

7) 3 flat screens, a living room set, and a stackable washer/dryer for just $89/ week??? Too good to be true??? Yes, Derrick, it is. Trina can wash clothes at her mom’s trailer after her 6-8:30 class at blue cliff. Your living room will not accommodate a 71” Vizio, and the furniture your dad Jerry gave you will work just fine until you can pay cash for that glass-top oval dining room set with the brass accents.

These are just a few steps you can take to help avoid going down the Path to Derrick. There will be more in the future. If you need any further guidance, let me know. If you see a Derrick, chunk up the Deuce and ask him when the next shut down starts. He needs somebody to talk to. Thanks

This post was edited on 6/9/18 at 11:02 am