re: Any divorced dads out there with full custody...

I would say do the best you can to prioritize your mental health so you can support your children. Try as best you can to have a support system around to lift you up. I’d definitely be involved with my church and my family a lot. If she has family like sisters, brothers, parents who are good people and want to be there for your kids I would allow it.

im pretty sure I know you

God bless you. You’re a great dad! Do yourself a great favor. Go to an ACTS retreat. You don’t have to be catholic to participate.
Look it up at a local Catholic Church. Don’t hesitate.
Godspeed!

Speaking from experience, get your kids in therapy.

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My sister cried herself to sleep at night yelling, "I want my mommy!" My dad cried himself to sleep. I mostly internalized it.

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frick dude. I hope everyone reads this for how important it is, that's the kind of actual trauma that can ruin your life. That sucks, and I wish you didn't have to experience that. But it's also probably made you into a better person (I'm trying to find the positive in shite.)

To OP, you can try to change this into a situation where you build resiliency in your kids. Mom did XYX, but it's fine, we'll do XY instead. The comment about the football game, he shouldn't be devastated. Even if you were still together, the wife is dropping off the daughter at dance, traffic, and may show up after he ran in a TD. That's life. He cannot be devastated based on the actions or inactions of others. My team is here, my dad is recording it, she can watch it if she wants to, etc.

Now is your chance to teach them to regulate themselves with your assistance through positive feedback. I can't tell how old your kids are, but my kids clearly knew before they were ten that I was the calm one.

Mom isn't going to change until she decides to, and your kids not pinning their self esteem on mom is hard, but necessary. They have you.

It sounds trite, but every, every time I pick up my daughter I tell her she's beautiful and I love her, so only she can hear. Every, every time I pick up the boy I tell him I love him, and I'm proud of him (13 and 11). I'm nowhere in the situation that OP is in, but you'd be surprised how much better it makes you feel, especially when you feel that extra squeeze from a kid during a hug.

I was married 17 years. My ex wife had back issues and chose to seek help through a pain management clinic instead of getting what the best neurosurgeons in the country called a pretty easy surgery to correct what was causing her pain. She was so strung out on Loratabs and OxyContin that I finally divorced her because she continually refused rehab. The DEA finally shut all those pain management clinics down and she switched to vodka. We divorced when the kids were in 8th and 4th grade. Not going to lie it’s been very hard on the kids, but they are now 25 and 21 and lead productive and normal lives. Their mother is now in hospice and I doubt she lives more than a week or two. It’s hard for all of us to wrap our heads around how a highly educated woman with a great job ended up with absolutely nothing at all because of addiction issues. Some people just aren’t cut out for this life. Just when I thought my ex hit rock bottom she would just set the bar higher. I don’t envy the position you are in and especially feel bad for your children. Good for you for not bad mouthing their mother to them. Hopefully your ex does not end up like mine and grows weary of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

You have definitely come to the right place for a type of predicament like this.