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re: Alcoholic family members
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:54 am to Jimbeaux
Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:54 am to Jimbeaux
As a recovering alcoholic, I can say that I didn't/wouldn't quit until I was confronted with the option of quitting or losing something I was not willing to give up. Only when I reached this point did I take the steps necessary for me to achieve sobriety. What are the things this person would not be willing to forgo to continue drinking? When you can honestly answer this question, you can confront them with the option and hope they chose the one you desire. There are no assurances that they will pick the one you want them to so, you must be willing to accept their choice. I hope things work out for you. Be strong.
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Posted on 7/12/16 at 9:59 am to Jimbeaux
My wife always brings up the shite I did the next morning. I wish we could just leave it in the past.
So my answer is, to just let it go.
So my answer is, to just let it go.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:01 am to LucasP
Sorry AL anon hurt you baw.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:04 am to Wtodd
quote:quote:
just leave it alone and try to make yourself forget it
Here's the answer
Sure, that's the answer if you don't ever want them to change.
If you think they legit have a problem, you should do your best to help them realize it. I mean, you're talking about your family. Are you really advocating not helping your family?
ETA: Just seeing that it's your wife. Absolutely do not just ignore it. It will only get worse.
This post was edited on 7/12/16 at 10:05 am
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:04 am to Jimbeaux
quote:
Do they fully understanding of how much of a pain in the arse they are
They generally don't care what a pain in the arse they are. I have a sister who gets angry during her benders and refuses to acknowledge she did anything wrong. We currently aren't on speaking terms.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:07 am to LNCHBOX
My friends step brother was confronted by his wife and family about his drinking and after a brief time separated he got sober..they took him back in the house and within weeks he turned back to cocaine. Then the whole thing started over again. 45 ys old and cocked out of his mind at noon on a tuesday.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:21 am to Jimbeaux
I've got the same situation, but my kids are grown and out of the house. It's been better for a while, but I can see she is starting to abuse again. It's all a question of degree, and the drinking is getting more frequent.
Never a good time to talk about it. Not when she's drinking because that becomes a shite show, not when she's sober because who wants to fight. It sucks - like you said - water is wet. The only way out of the cycle is to challenge the cycle - you've got to do it because she will not.
Start keeping a diary of the frequency of drinking and the disruptions it causes. Get a good month in. If it's bad you will have an entry on damn near every day. Talk with family members, get support. It will become an ultimatum - you and the kids or the booze. There is a happy medium - at least for a while - but the true alcoholic will always return to abuse.
Good luck.
Never a good time to talk about it. Not when she's drinking because that becomes a shite show, not when she's sober because who wants to fight. It sucks - like you said - water is wet. The only way out of the cycle is to challenge the cycle - you've got to do it because she will not.
Start keeping a diary of the frequency of drinking and the disruptions it causes. Get a good month in. If it's bad you will have an entry on damn near every day. Talk with family members, get support. It will become an ultimatum - you and the kids or the booze. There is a happy medium - at least for a while - but the true alcoholic will always return to abuse.
Good luck.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:23 am to Jimbeaux
Go out and buy 2 books titled Alcoholics Anonymous, keep 1 for yourself. Just toss the other 1 on a coffee table and say nothing, if she ask, just say I dunno how that got there.
Begin to educate yourself with your copy of the book.Find an alonon meeting in your area, attend the meetings. The whole family becomes sick in these situations, work on you, and the rest will take care of itself.
Begin to educate yourself with your copy of the book.Find an alonon meeting in your area, attend the meetings. The whole family becomes sick in these situations, work on you, and the rest will take care of itself.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:26 am to Jimbeaux
After trying to pull a decent chunk of people out of the muck (friends, gfs) I've learned you support the recovery, not the addiction. People are responsible for their own issues, and it's perfectly fine to help until it starts fricking you up. You owe it to yourself to not get dragged into the dark place with them, and you especially do not deserve to get calls/texts of suicide threats and other things.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:28 am to Jimbeaux
Alcoholics can drink the negative stuff away. It's literally temporary brain damage that lasts until they are sober for a few years. The most important thing in their life is the drink, everything else is secondary.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:51 am to Jimbeaux
Lots of good advice in this thread. I'm glad to hear so many responses from spouses of alcoholics. I'm currently in the middle of a divorce, my ex wife is an alcoholic and has an eating disorder. Very messed up situation, but glad to hear I'm not the only one dealing with it.
This post was edited on 7/12/16 at 10:52 am
Posted on 7/12/16 at 10:55 am to RogerTheShrubber
quote:
It's literally temporary brain damage
Pretty much. In my experience real alcoholics get "drunk" very easily. There is no buzz period and it's almost like a light switch goes off. They go from fine to slurring/sloppy very very quickly and they don't even realize it ( or care).
This is different than pure impulse control or binge problem and happens after YEARS of abuse.
This post was edited on 7/12/16 at 10:59 am
Posted on 7/12/16 at 11:11 am to Jimbeaux
They are only a pain in your arse if you allow them to be. Don't be an enabler.
This post was edited on 7/12/16 at 11:12 am
Posted on 7/12/16 at 11:33 am to CorkSoaker
quote:
They are only a pain in your arse if you allow them to be. Don't be an enabler.
No offense, but your statement is dumb. That "allowing them to be", meaning that I get to control whether they are a pain in the arse or not, is only true in the broad sense that I can control whether I want to be around her or not. But even then, she is the mother of my 3 kids, so whether we are together or separated, we will still have to deal with each other, and her pain-in-the-arse-edness is still in play.
Regarding being an enabler, that's just mostly psychobabble to me. It's not like I'm buying her booze for her.
If I take her keys away while she's drunk, is that enabling her because I'm not allowing her to suffer the consequences of a DWI, property damage, or worse?
Posted on 7/12/16 at 11:35 am to gamatt53
quote:
quote:
It's literally temporary brain damage
Pretty much. In my experience real alcoholics get "drunk" very easily. There is no buzz period and it's almost like a light switch goes off. They go from fine to slurring/sloppy very very quickly and they don't even realize it ( or care).
This is different than pure impulse control or binge problem and happens after YEARS of abuse.
This is useful knowledge! Thanks for sharing. Is this true for most/all alcoholics?
Posted on 7/12/16 at 11:37 am to Jimbeaux
quote:
Regarding being an enabler, that's just mostly psychobabble to me. It's not like I'm buying her booze for her.
Yeah, the word is overused.
You can't help someone who doesn't want help. Their brain has been "rewired" and doesn't allow that person to be rational at all. They'll find their drink whether you "allow" it or not.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 11:39 am to Jimbeaux
It's a blurry line between being a spouse and an enabler because you want to keep your family together. I lived that exact scenario. (Un)fortunately, after years of drinking and risky behavior, she crossed a major line and we got divorced. I struggled with the decision to leave many times but there was always hope that she would get better. Probably some enabling there, but dammit man, I wanted us to stay together...
My wife would be drunk 2-3 times a week when I got home from work at 4:30. Kids would be playing in their rooms and she would be in the kitchen barely able to stand. She would yell and cuss at me if I asked if she was okay.
I tried to get her help, and she even went to inpatient rehab. Within 3 months she was back drinking. It was only a matter of time from that point when divorce would happen. I worked my arse off to get custody of the kids, and even with her making bad choices, the courts are still reluctant to take children away from their mother.
My wife would be drunk 2-3 times a week when I got home from work at 4:30. Kids would be playing in their rooms and she would be in the kitchen barely able to stand. She would yell and cuss at me if I asked if she was okay.
I tried to get her help, and she even went to inpatient rehab. Within 3 months she was back drinking. It was only a matter of time from that point when divorce would happen. I worked my arse off to get custody of the kids, and even with her making bad choices, the courts are still reluctant to take children away from their mother.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 11:42 am to slinger1317
Well, crap, that sucks.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 11:45 am to Jimbeaux
If she gets blackout drunk it might be worthwhile to hide a camera and record them sloppy and abusive. Show them sober and tell them you can't live like this anymore. Get cleaned up. I think she'll be shocked to see herself behaving as such.
Posted on 7/12/16 at 11:46 am to Jimbeaux
Al-Anon isn't much use if the other party members involved aren't attending AA. It's like wanting to help your kid in school so you get a tutor for yourself
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