re: Here is my newest song demo, got it finished up yesterday

Are those real drums?

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Yeah, I agree the phrasing on the first verse just seems off.

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After listening a few more times, it's starting to grow on me.
It's a pretty dark song lyrically, but he gives it a bit of Bon Joviness and that might not be a bad thing.
Another thing is: As a songwriter that's trying to pitch to artists, you probably don't want your vocals to be too good.
You maybe want those that listen, to think" I can do that so much better". I forget that sometimes.