Let's overanalyze the sh!t out of The Karate Kid (UPDATED page 9)

Since OML is obviously a giant cockgobbler, and we'll never see the too-overhyped Home Alone review, I figured we should move onto another great classic: The Karate Kid.

And before I go on, this is about the trilogy only. Anyone who mentions the Hilary Swank or Jaden Smith movies should be swiftly crane kicked in the balls or vagina.

Anyway, I caught the last hour or so of KK over the weekend, and started noticing lots of problems I have with it. So most of my analysis will stem from the last half or so of the first movie, but feel free to chime in on any and all things Larusso.

- Danielle Larusso.

First and foremost should be the obligatory mention of Daniel Larusso being the least likeable protagonist in movie history. Seriously, this smartass poor kid moves to a new city and immediately starts getting himself into trouble. You don't start a new high school and try to just jump into the popular kids circle. And you certainly don't frick with the popular dude's girl, no matter how much of a dick he is. Like at the beach, when John and his buddies ride their motorcycles down to the beach, he tries to get Ali to talk to him. Then, Daniel sticks his nose into their business and gets his arse kicked. I love how John tells her afterwards that it's her fault...that's classic Zabka.

At the Halloween dance, John is quietly taking a shite in the bathroom...the one place you'd think you could have some privacy, and what does Daniel do? He runs a hose to the stall and soaks John whilst on the throne. Once again, he sticks his nose into others' business and proceeds to get his arse kicked.

This isn't Jersey, Daniel...you poke the dog around these parts, and you get fricking bit, you fig.

- Ali is a bitch...with an "i."

So at the beach, when Daniel and Ali are playing soccer, Ali just randomly kicks the ball as hard as she can. Daniel, because he is a bitch, immediately runs off to go fetch it. Why the frick would she do that? She could've easily said "Hey, just a heads up but here comes my sort of boyfriend, so just sit tight and don't say anything."

Also at the beach, when John tries to talk to her, not only does she refuse to talk to him, but she acts like a complete bitch by turning the radio up every time he tries to talk to her.

Later, at the country club, Ali is dancing with her dad, and her mom (who is dancing with John) cuts in. Now, at that point, she could've refused a dance with John. But instead, she does it anyway and acts like she isn't enjoying it. Also, as Daniel watches from the kitchen, John leans in to kiss her and she gets all mad. I understand getting mad about the kiss, but why dance face to face with John in the first place?

And when she sees Daniel laying on the floor covered in spaghetti, does she go help him? Of course not. She sits there staring at him with pity as he scurries away.

Then that bitch has the nerve to be pissed off at Daniel at the arcade. Not to mention that she only dated him for two reasons. The first was pity...she felt bad that this poor kid was a loser and tried to make him feel better. Secondly, she did it because she knew John hated him and was trying to make him jealous. She didn't really like Daniel. Not even close. hell, she didn't even really completely accept his apology at the arcade until she saw that he had a new classic car. And to carry onto the arcade point, she straight up leaves her friends, who were clearly there to support her, at the arcade and rides off with Daniel and never tells them shite. They were probably worried sick.

- Mr. Miyagi is an all-around bad person. He's irresponsible, a drunk, a criminal, a dick, and.....an abuser/pedophile?

Miyagi contributes to the delinquency of a minor. He is a drunk...an irresponsible one at that. At one point during his drunken fit at his house, he pours a 15 year old Daniel a glass of whiskey. That's contributing the the delinquency of a minor, Yags.

Miyagi is a dick. Obviously, he uses Daniel for one reason, and one reason only: as a slave to remodel his back yard, paint his house, and generally do housework. But even when he takes Daniel fishing, he has him stand on the bow of the boat and do his karate hand motions. And what does he "teach" Daniel while doing so? Nothing. He just talks about not letting Daniel punch anything and rocks the boat so he falls into the water. And does he help him back into the boat? Nope...he just sits there falling over and laughing uncontrollably ( see 3:02-3:28 for evidence).

Also, after giving Daniel the car for his birthday (which Daniel never once says thank you for, btw), Daniel shockingly admits to Miyagi that "you're the best friend I ever had.." And what is his response to Daniel's deep-hearted admission? "You pretty okay too." Way to crush a young boy's heart, Yags.

Miyagi is a child abuser. Okay, so in the aforementioned Halloween fight, Daniel is rightfully getting his arse kicked, when all of a sudden Mr. Miyagi intervenes, and proceeds to beat the shite out of a group of high school boys. And what does he do then? He flees the scene of a crime with the perpetrator (Daniel) in-tow. And keep in mind that aside from a single knee to the stomach, that fight was basically one-on-one (Daniel vs. John).

Okay, so Mr. Miyagi is how old? He fought in WWII, so assuming he was about 20 in 1944, and the movie was set in 1984, let's assume he is 60. So a 60 year old janitor/handyman of some shady apartment complex "befriends" a 14 year old boy. They constantly hang out, alone, at Miyagi's house. Miyagi takes him on trips (like to the beach and fishing), loves rubbing on "sore parts" of his body (and claps excitedly before doing so), actually gives him alcohol at one point, and gives him a car. Makes me wonder if his full name is Mr. Michael Jackson Miyagi. And let's not forget that instead of spending his birthday with his own mother, Daniel spends it with Mr. "Hands" Miyagi.

- Mrs. Larusso. Hey, lady...where the frick is your parenting in all of this? Not only do you let your 14/15 year old son run around town getting into trouble, but you are never to be found, except to embarass him by driving him on his first date. She has a nice car though, or so I'm told.

Now, onto the tournament...