I'm not sure what distinguishes a sport from a hobby. Being team-oriented isn't essential for a sport -- there are plenty of sports like tennis or bowling or track with a single competitor. Balls aren't essential either -- look at boxing or car racing or that tacky, wrestling like fighting they do in cages now that the lower class generally enjoy watching. What is a sport at its very essence?

I will argue several key characteristics. First, it is a competition -- either against yourself, a time, a mark, another, or another team. Second, it is a discipline -- something in which you follow instruction or knowledge or rules, at its Latin root suggests. Third, it is physical -- it is more than just a mental maneuvering; it requires movement and physical activity (which is why people deserve derision when they argue card games like poker are sports). Fourth, looking at its etymology, desports, are entertaining and can be enjoyed by onlookers.

With that definition in mind, I propose that a noble and altruistic group gather with me to constitute the first ever Louisiana Competitive Christmas Decorating League. Christmas decorating already fills three of my four requirements to be a sport. The only requirement missing is the discipline that follows instructions, or in other words, a rule book. I ask that we build a rule book at the same time as we build the league.

While some make think I jest, dear friends, I ask you to open your eyes. Open your eyes to the mass produced, soul and society destroying culture of professional and college sports. How much time have you spent today watching and thinking about a game in which neither you nor anyone you know is playing? What about in the last three months? The last year? And why?

Did you not get out and enjoy this beautiful day? Some will say, "Football weather!" And sure, when I was a child, this was football weather. But I will not say it's football weather unless I am playing football. To me, a crisp, bright 65 degree day now is Christmas decorating weather. This decorating is an activity in which I can fully partake on such a beautiful day. This is an activity in which you too can partake.

Are you not tired off throwing away these precious hours? Of living vicariously through teenagers and steroided men playing a simple yet absurdly legislated game that even a Pharisee of Pharisees troubles to keep track of its rules? Of what benefit do you get by watching others play a sport? Do you do it for the nostalgia of when you played or when you were in college or when your dad took you to your first NFL game? Deeply consider the question of why you invest so much into a game. If nostalgia is it, what is more nostalgic than decorating for Christmas?

My beloved friends, I beseech you to join me in this community building sport. Think of the great joy you will have as you exercise your mind and your body, building a display that will bring even greater joy to your community! The children, the families, the lonely invalids, all will find amazement and wonder at what could be beautiful displays of craftsmanship and care, even adoration. How many of you know so few of your neighbors? Partly a result of our insular lives, dictated by media conglomerates who have taught us that to be American is to sit before the altar of sports television. The competition will build in its competitors excellence. The experience will build in these neighborhoods a sense of community long ago eschewed. Our final product: beauty, community, memories, joy, and excellence.

Arise, take off those non-participatory sports shackles, and let your lights shine! Our time has come!

This post was edited on 11/16/19 at 9:18 pm