THe Unknown Writer - Auburn Edition

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I report to you from my home in Baton Rouge. If Paris is the “City of Lights,” then Baton Rouge is the “City of Sirens.” On any given day, sirens cleave the spongy, particulated air while emergency vehicles respond to shootings, floods, riots, serial killings, domestic disputes, traffic pileups, and fat-related heart attacks. But I hardly hear them anymore because I am a gritty realist living in the gritty real world. I am not a delusional rube who believes he lives on the “loveliest village on the plains.” Auburn University is located in Alabama, a state known for its violent rednecks and white gravy. Alabama will soon give us Senator Roy Moore, a god-drunk, shite-house rat who dresses in cowboy outfits from the Boys Department at Sears. Auburn gets its name and slogan from the opening line of “The Deserted Village,” a dreadful poem written in 1770 by a drunk, Irish hack named Oliver Goldsmith. Goldsmith’s nickname, given to him by Horace Walpole, was” Inspired Idiot.” Like Goldsmith, Auburn fans are village idiots. I had a feeling LSU would beat Auburn, a feeling principally derived from a new medication I’m taking for Restless Leg Syndrome. But there were reasons for optimism other than the pharmaceuticals. There were signs and portents, none so telling as Gus Malzahn’s failure to wear his signature sweater vest. Yes, the sweater vest is a fashion tragedy that should be outlawed. Yes, it is a garment favored by that sanctimonious putz, Rick Santorum. And yes, it was one hundred suffocating degrees in Tiger Stadium. Still, experienced soothsayers like me viewed this as a lack of commitment, a lack of “want,” if you will. And speaking of “want,” Les Miles was on hand to celebrate the one-year anniversary of his firing. In a show of sportsmanship worthy of Chick Fil A’s fanciful commercials depicting civil fans of rival schools, Coach Malzahn allowed Les Miles to handle Auburn’s clock management for the 4th quarter. Thanks, Gus. After a dismal first quarter that saw Auburn shake LSU like a dog with a rag doll, Coach her(O) willed a 4th-and-one touchdown run by Stephen Sullivan. Coach O then ordered Russell Gage to make an improbable, fantastic touchdown catch before halftime to close the gap to 23-14. (Coach O learned a valuable lesson from the previous week’s Florida game. The Monday before the Florida game, Coach O “decided” his team would win that game and they did. While I’m not sure why he hadn’t used this willpower trick before the Mississippi State and Troy games, I’m glad he remembered to use it this week.) During halftime, Cerebro made an adjustment in which he quietly asked his defense to quit sucking. This led to a second half shutout of Auburn’s potent offense. Also at halftime, Special Teams Coach Mephisto instructed D.J. Chark to return a punt 75 yards for a touchdown, Connor Culp to nail two field goal attempts, and Josh Growden to land a late-game punt inside the 5-yard line. I continue to believe Devin White is an All-SEC linebacker and I’m now moving him to First Team. White had 15 tackles yesterday. D.J. Chark had a career game with 233 all-purpose yards. Kevin Tolliver is returning to form. And I could have sworn LSU’s pass protection improved, however slightly. In closing, I offer a mea culpa, no relation to Connor’s grandmother, MeeMaw Culp: 1) Coach O is a fighter who somehow kept the team together after the Troy loss and won two SEC games with a young, limping team that has played more freshmen than any college in the country. He’s made the right decisions and his time management is something Tiger fans haven’t seen since Nick Saban was coach. 2) I once wrote that Russell Gage Jr. had no more business on the field than Russell Gage Sr. I was dead wrong and my pursuit of humor does not excuse the wrong. Gage was sensational against Auburn. He had a long run, an extraordinary touchdown catch, and he made several great special teams plays, including downing the Growden punt inside the five. I’m sorry Russell Jr. Next up: Ole Miss. I will go out on a limb here and make a prediction: Coach O will be asked about his days as the Ole Miss football coach. I only perch on sturdy limbs.

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