Friday Joke Thread

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

I asked my wife if I'm the only one she's ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

I only drink 2 days a year, when it’s my birthday and when it’s not

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

An old pirate walks into a bar. The bartender notices that the old pirate has a patch over one eye, a hook, and a peg leg. Curious, the bartender says "If you don't mind me asking, what happened to your leg?"

"Arrrr.." says the pirate. "A cannonball took me leg clean off."

The bartender says, "Well, can I ask what happened to your hand?"

"Arrrr...I was in a sword fight, and me hand was chopped clean off!"

The bartender looks at the patch over the pirate's eye. "Let me guess," says the bartender, "a bullet took you eye out!"

"Arrrr, no!" says the pirate. "A seagull pooped in me eye, and I forgot that I had a hook for me hand!"

Why were all the Cajuns fired at Cape Canaveral?

Because everytime they announced it was time for "Launch" they all threw down their tools and went to eat.

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More of a history lesson, on the true origin of how the Razorbacks got their name, than a joke but...

During the early days of the college, some of it's leaders were out walking around when they came upon a small farm.

They could hear pigs squealing something awful so they moved closer.

As they got closer, they heard one of the farmers exclaim, "Raise her back up Earl!"

An oldie from the Monkey Bar.

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because it's making noise. Mechanic says he'll take a look at it and to come back in 10 minutes. So the penguin goes and gets an ice cream sandwich, and since he has no hands gets ice cream all over his face. He goes back to the shop and the mechanic says it looks like you blew a seal. Penguin says no, it's just the ice cream.