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In 2011, Chelsea signed a Nigerian teenager to play as a striker. In training the following Monday, Carlo Ancelotti spent half an hour explaining the game during the young Nigerian's first practice session. Ancelotti pointed at a football and said, "Ball." He pointed at the nearby net and said, "Net." Then he kicked the ball into the net and said, "Goal."
The Nigerian boy stood up, offended, and said, "Excuse me coach, but my English is good!" Ancelotti responded, "Sit down, boy. I'm talking to Torres."

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What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

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So Qatar 2022 is going to be held in November and December.
Or for England, November.

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After Scotland drew with Faroe Islands, a radio show was discussing that result with a caller:
Presenter: We have Jim on the line who wants to discuss Faroes vs Scotland.
Jim: Thanks... eh yeah. Just want to say it's an absolute disgrace. I mean we were playing the weakest side in world football and we can't do better then a draw.
Presenter: It was a poor result...
Jim: Poor result?? It's absolutely scandalous! The manager has lost the plot completely, he has to go. I know we have never set the world alight over the years on the international stage but I can't remember things being this bad. It's the end for us. The absolute end. We are the laughing stock of world football.
Presenter: Look Jim, I know it looks bad but there is still a long way to go, admittedly there does not seem much chance of you qualifying for 2004 but things will improve.
Jim: I never expected to qualify and don't mind that so much as we are not good enough... but to fail to beat a team like Scotland is a different matter and a real massive blow to everyone on the island.

BEST:

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It is just before US v Mexico at the next World Cup Group game. Dempsey goes into the USMNT changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Mexico. They're shite and we can't be bothered".
Dempseylooks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you guy go down the pub."
So Dempsey goes out to play Mexico by himself and the rest of the USMNT team go off for a few beers.
After a few they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "USMNT 1 - Mexico 0 (Dempsey 10 minutes)". He is beating Mexico all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium "USMNT 1 (Dempsey 10 minutes) - Mexico 1 (Pedro 89 minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Mexico!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Mexico, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

This post was edited on 3/2/15 at 8:34 pm