You're a real Funny-Man!!!

Rick was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.

She told him " Tomorrow morning,
I expect to find a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200
in less than 6 seconds
AND IT BETTER BE THERE!! "

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure
enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the
middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on
her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday.

Please pray for him

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"Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

"If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
"If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
"If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
"If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
"If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
"If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer."

********************************************************

Several Racehorses are in a stable. One of them starts boasting about his track record.

"Of my last 15 races," he says, "I've won eight."
Another horse breaks in, "Well, I've won 19 of my last 27!"
"That's good, but I've taken 28 of 36," says another, flicking his tail.

At this point a greyhound who's been sitting nearby pipes up. "I don't mean to boast," he says, "but of my last 90 races, I've won 88."

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow," says one after a prolonged silence, "a talking dog!"