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re: Who here is divorced with kids?
Posted on 4/24/20 at 12:51 pm to Will Cover
Posted on 4/24/20 at 12:51 pm to Will Cover
The only outside influence that I can think of would be her mother who has failed relationships scattered behind her, other than that we have the same married friend circle so idk.Its hard to not communicate, we have texted every day. I think I am gonna take this advice and go this route
1
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:08 pm to TigerMatt225
quote:
The only outside influence that I can think of would be her mother who has failed relationships scattered behind her, other than that we have the same married friend circle so idk.Its hard to not communicate, we have texted every day. I think I am gonna take this advice and go this route
Usually when one person is wanting out, it because of one of three reasons:
1. they don't feel liked
2. they don't feel loved
3. they don't feel respected
If you were to truly analyze your behavior, where do you think your wife lands based upon these 3 choices?
Also, people don't leave what they have unless what they believe they are going to is better.
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:15 pm to Will Cover
2.In our conversations she has said shes lost the spark.Life has been hectic the last year or so and somewhere along the got way we got comfortable going through the motions.
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:22 pm to Chef Free Gold Bloom
I am
I initiated and yes it was worth it. My kiddo is better off
I initiated and yes it was worth it. My kiddo is better off
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:23 pm to TigerMatt225
quote:
2.In our conversations she has said shes lost the spark.Life has been hectic the last year or so and somewhere along the got way we got comfortable going through the motions.
I believe that we control our own outcomes. And only 1 person is needed to change the equation.
Most people quit before they realize how close they were to actually become successful.
If your beliefs and values are that you do not believe in divorce, don't divorce. I'm not saying to be a prick about it, but I am saying that she will need to be the one to initiate everything. You can continue to work on yourself and work on your standing for the marriage if this is what you want to do.
Ask yourself: What is God teaching me through these difficult times? Am I finding the balance between dealing with my painful memories and seeking positive interaction with my spouse?
Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, it hurts you! As Corrie Ten Boom said, “Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me.”
Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse – whether through direct retaliation or just letting bitterness fester.
Real forgiveness has two parts: letting go and moving forward. Letting go is a big hurdle on its own, because it means releasing feelings of anger and resentment over a perceived offense. Now, it’s important to remember that idea of perception – no matter what the problem at hand might be. You and your spouse will have different versions of what happened, and even if they are totally at fault in your eyes, they might not see it exactly that way. Regardless, letting go of that resentment and anger is the only way to prevent the issue from paralyzing your marriage.
The next step, moving forward, is just as important. It means doing away with any desire for punishment, retribution, or restitution for the wrongdoing. If you still want your spouse to be punished, then you are still harboring resentment.
You have to understand: the past is the past, and it cannot be changed. No matter how angry you are, how hurt you feel… What’s done is done. Forgiveness – both letting go and moving forward – is all about the future. You can’t change the past, but you can certainly make choices that will influence your future. You keep your marriage “in prison” if you focus on the issues of the past, and you set it free when you let go of problems that have already happened to start focusing on solutions.
What I am sharing with you is meant only for you. If you try to push your beliefs, values and convictions on your wife at this time, even if they are 100 % right, you're going to push her further away.
Are you aware of what "smart contact" is?
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:24 pm to lsugradman
Actually that first paragraph is my situation, I’ve lost track of how many times she said she wanted to divorce me and she would go to a lawyer.
Btw why do the majority of women come out ahead in divorce when children are involved
Btw why do the majority of women come out ahead in divorce when children are involved
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:27 pm to lsucoonass
quote:
lsucoonass
quote:
My kiddo is better off
I don't know you and I don't know your situation, however, unless there is physical or emotional abuse of a child or a spouse that a child witnesses, I am going to disagree with you.
Children need both their mother and father, together. It sets up a good foundation for them. In saying that, I'm glad your situation worked out very well for you and your child.
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:30 pm to Will Cover
Man,this shite is enlightening. no im not aware of smart contact
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:32 pm to TigerMatt225
I wouldnt listen to a god damn bit of relationship advice from the OT
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:34 pm to Will Cover
Not when both parties are constantly arguing with one another
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:38 pm to Will Cover
While I think this is a nobel thought, it is incorrect. I suffered through for the sake of the kids until it was too much for me. I left and got divorced. My kids are excelling now and they were not before. They don't see arguring or dad sleeping on the couch. They see what enjoying life and relationships are about. I've since met a nice young lady who they like and they see how a relationship is supposed to work. Give kids credit, they know the score. Especially the girls.
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:38 pm to TigerMatt225
Anything you do that appears to the other person as manipulating, whining, begging, pleading, etc. very likely will result in their moving away from you even faster. There are those out there who say that you should send your spouse a note, email, or call every day to keep them aware that you are there, etc. Don't do that.
This is more of an art than a science. I can’t give you specific things on what to say, but I can tell you that if you're pushy, needy, demanding, or smothering, you will push your spouse further away.
On the other hand, don't avoid your spouse either. This does not work. (Why would you ignore your spouse if they are trying to reach out to you? It’s the very thing you want!)
SMART Contact is a lot easier with kids because you always have a reason to reach out to your spouse. However, ONLY reach out to your spouse about things that are relevant; things that your spouse needs to know. (And, don’t put high expectations on these conversations.)
This is more of an art than a science. I can’t give you specific things on what to say, but I can tell you that if you're pushy, needy, demanding, or smothering, you will push your spouse further away.
On the other hand, don't avoid your spouse either. This does not work. (Why would you ignore your spouse if they are trying to reach out to you? It’s the very thing you want!)
SMART Contact is a lot easier with kids because you always have a reason to reach out to your spouse. However, ONLY reach out to your spouse about things that are relevant; things that your spouse needs to know. (And, don’t put high expectations on these conversations.)
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:39 pm to Will Cover
Thank you for posting this.
I agree with what you say. Gotta move forward. And it takes so much patience.
I struggle with the feeling of willing to be patient and look forward compared to feeling like I am disrespected and devalued.
Our relationship is serviceable on the surface. But she is all about the kids and career. There is no semblance of effort for "us" and she is checked out.
Thanks for giving us folks some good ideas to consider.
I agree with what you say. Gotta move forward. And it takes so much patience.
I struggle with the feeling of willing to be patient and look forward compared to feeling like I am disrespected and devalued.
Our relationship is serviceable on the surface. But she is all about the kids and career. There is no semblance of effort for "us" and she is checked out.
Thanks for giving us folks some good ideas to consider.
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:40 pm to lsucoonass
quote:
Not when both parties are constantly arguing with one another
That's two adults who have let their emotions get the best of them and are both being selfish in front of their children.
Issues will still exist, but those fights can happen when children aren't present.
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:40 pm to CaCestBon
quote:
My husband is currently trying to decide if he wants to divorce me because, although he says he still loves me, is not “in love” with me anymore.
Going through something similar. No kids though. It sucks so badly and I feel your pain.
My husband just turned 40 and I think part of his deal is a midlife crisis on top of a bunch of shite life handed to us the past couple years.
quote:
All I know is that if I do end up being divorced, I’m never trusting/committing to anyone again, lol.
Not me. I won’t date anytime soon if I divorce but won’t give up on love again in my future.
But hopefully I don’t even have to go down that path and my husband and I reconcile.
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:43 pm to CaCestBon
quote:Pics?
CaCestBon
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:44 pm to SuperSaint
quote:
I wouldnt listen to a god damn bit of relationship advice from the OT
A person needing help should always seek the advice of a professional, no doubt. However, there are pockets of information contained within this thread (and on this board) that are helpful and in general, good common sense.
Also, if a person does find a professional and doesn't connect with them, that's okay. Find another one and keep going until a connection is established. It doesn't mean the therapist you were seeing is bad. It just means that you didn't connect and therefore you don't feel comfortable with them.
Lastly, it also makes sense for each spouse to see their own therapist. Don't suggest that your spouse should see yours and vice versa. Why? Because the other spouse will know you already have a connection with your therapist and immediately believe there is a biased already present and likely won't be open to receiving feedback or suggestions.
This post was edited on 4/24/20 at 1:46 pm
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:46 pm to lsunurse
quote:
My husband just turned 40 and I think part of his deal is a midlife crisis on top of a bunch of shite life handed to us the past couple years.
This seems to be happening more and more. Man or woman. What I have seen is a lot of the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes it may be but sometimes it isn't.
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:49 pm to crazyatthecamp
quote:
Our relationship is serviceable on the surface. But she is all about the kids and career. There is no semblance of effort for "us" and she is checked out.
I understand what you are saying. Work on yourself. Be the best you can possibly be to yourself, to the children, and to her. You have to hope that your behaviors and actions will help reshape her behaviors and actions, albeit indirectly.
And if you're marriage still ends up in a divorce, you're still going to be a better person because you have been working on you. And no one can take that away from you.
Lastly, never give up hope, even if your marriage ends in divorce. The only time you should ever give up hope is if your former spouse remarries or dies. Otherwise, there are plenty of feel-good stories where connections are reunited. It can happen.
The bad news? You are the problem. The good news? You are the solution as well.
Posted on 4/24/20 at 1:50 pm to Will Cover
quote:
Will Cover
Are you a licensed therapist or just a freelancer?
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