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Sunday morning joke time
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:41 am
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:41 am
Two elderly folks got to be close friends while living in an assisted living facility. One day the gentleman asked his female companion if she'd have relations with him. She turned him down for she felt she was too old and brittle to attempt anything like that again. The man persisted until he got her to at least hold his member during their visit everyday. This worked out quite well for several months.
One day the woman went to the rendezvous spot to find her male friends organ being held by another elderly woman. In a rage, she screamed "why?! What does this woman have that I do not?" The elderly man looked up at her with a smile and said "Parkinson's."
One day the woman went to the rendezvous spot to find her male friends organ being held by another elderly woman. In a rage, she screamed "why?! What does this woman have that I do not?" The elderly man looked up at her with a smile and said "Parkinson's."
9
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:43 am to Will Cover
You know the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I've never paid a garbanzo to bean on me.
I've never paid a garbanzo to bean on me.
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:45 am to fr33manator
You know how to catch a polar bear??
You cut a hole in the ice, then sprinkle a bag of peas around the hole.
When he bends over to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
You cut a hole in the ice, then sprinkle a bag of peas around the hole.
When he bends over to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
This post was edited on 8/27/17 at 9:46 am
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:49 am to LZ83
You know how to kill a thousand flies at once?
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a skillet.
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a skillet.
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:50 am to Will Cover
I saw a woman with 12 nipples last night.
Sounds weird, doesn't it
Sounds weird, doesn't it
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:50 am to LZ83
My FIL's favorite joke. lol
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:52 am to Will Cover
Knock, knock
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:54 am to Martini
Shut up
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:55 am to Pectus
quote:
Knock, knock
Suck my dick
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:57 am to ksayetiger
How much?
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:57 am to Will Cover
Life on the farm
A Little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I?"
A Little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
" Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
" How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " he asks.
" Well, " his mother says, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,
" You gonna tell him or should I?"
Posted on 8/27/17 at 9:57 am to Will Cover
A woman walked into a bar and asked for an entendre. She then said "Bartender, it's been a rough day so make it a double".
He gave it to her.
He gave it to her.
Posted on 8/27/17 at 10:24 am to Martini
The latest telephone poll taken by the Arizona Governor's office asked whether people who live in Arizon think the invasion of illegal aliens is a serious problem: 29% of respondents answered: Yes, it is a serious problem. / 71% of respondents answered: No, es una problema seriosa.
Posted on 8/27/17 at 10:25 am to Will Cover
Boudreaux's wife Clotille goes missing one evening. Early next morning Thibodaux knocks on his door and tells Boudreaux he has good news and bad news about Clotille.
Boudreaux says to give him the bad news first.
Thibodaux says, "Da bahd news is dat we found Clotille drownded dead in duh bayou." Boudreaux says, "mais noooooooo....so what's dat good news?"
Thibodaux says, "When we pull huh up dare was a dozen big blue crahb on huh, so we troe huh back in to get anudduh dozen or so!"
Boudreaux says to give him the bad news first.
Thibodaux says, "Da bahd news is dat we found Clotille drownded dead in duh bayou." Boudreaux says, "mais noooooooo....so what's dat good news?"
Thibodaux says, "When we pull huh up dare was a dozen big blue crahb on huh, so we troe huh back in to get anudduh dozen or so!"
Posted on 8/27/17 at 10:33 am to Yewkindewit
What does the Rabbi do with the skin after a circumsision?
Gives to Pawl Allen for chewing gum.
Gives to Pawl Allen for chewing gum.
Posted on 8/27/17 at 10:34 am to Will Cover
What is the best way to have sex with a sheep?
Facing the edge of a cliff, that way you know it will push back.
Facing the edge of a cliff, that way you know it will push back.
Posted on 8/27/17 at 10:42 am to foshizzle
"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," the groom protested. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's what I mean."
Posted on 8/27/17 at 10:50 am to Will Cover
What's the difference between a refrigerator and Pawl Allen?
The refrigerator doesn't fart when someone pulls his meat out.
The refrigerator doesn't fart when someone pulls his meat out.
Posted on 8/27/17 at 10:50 am to Will Cover
Englands prime minister, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump was walking though the desert and stumbled upon a lamp. The genie said y'all each get 1 wish since there is 3 of y'all.
PM said I wish England had a booming economy poof he was gone. Lil Kim said he wanted a wall built around NK so no bombs or troops could get through. Poof he was gone.
Donald Trump said Genie tell me more about this wall. Genie said Donald it's indestructible nothing will penetrate it. Donald said good fill that sum bitch up with water.
PM said I wish England had a booming economy poof he was gone. Lil Kim said he wanted a wall built around NK so no bombs or troops could get through. Poof he was gone.
Donald Trump said Genie tell me more about this wall. Genie said Donald it's indestructible nothing will penetrate it. Donald said good fill that sum bitch up with water.
Posted on 8/27/17 at 11:52 am to Will Cover
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.
I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!'
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.
He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house.
I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.
We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens!'
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