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Old Jokes That Make You Laugh Everytime...........

Posted on 4/24/08 at 10:46 am
Posted by TreeDawg
Central, La.
Member since Jan 2005
27136 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 10:46 am
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello.

He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Posted by Kige Ramsey
1996,1998,2012.
Member since Jul 2007
44424 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 10:46 am to
:rimshot:
Posted by Mr Clean
Power I-Formation
Member since Aug 2006
52639 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 10:49 am to
:rimshot:
Posted by LSUfan4444
Member since Mar 2004
55680 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 10:50 am to
boudreaux & thibodaux are at an LSU/UGA football game

boudreaux is looking through thibodaux's binnoculars and looks down at uga (the actual bulldog)

boudreaux says "hey thibs...take a look down there at that dog"

thibodaux says "oh man, look at that. he's licking his balls" "i sure i wish i could do that"

boudraux says "oh no you don't.....that dog will bite you"

Posted by Carolinacajun
Davidson County Jail
Member since Oct 2003
12034 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 10:51 am to

Hell I'm so old I can't remember ever hearing that one.
Posted by bobby magee
Baton Rouge
Member since Dec 2007
3438 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 11:00 am to
quote:

Old Jokes That Make You Laugh Everytime...........


FROG
Posted by TreeDawg
Central, La.
Member since Jan 2005
27136 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 11:00 am to
A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this, and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Posted by Carolinacajun
Davidson County Jail
Member since Oct 2003
12034 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 11:13 am to
OK Dawg, I'll jump in here.
An ugly woman goes to a bar determined to get laid. Night goes by an no takers. She tries all her best flirting, still no takers. Finally, the bar is about to close down and there is one old cowboy, just drunk enough to give her a nod. She ask him to go home with her, and to her delite, he accepts.
As they reach the parking lot she hands the drunk cowboy her keys and says "I must warn you, I have an itchy pussy."
The drunk cowboy slurs " Well lady you gonna have to point it out to me, all dem Japanese cars look the same to me."
This post was edited on 4/24/08 at 11:14 am
Posted by TreeDawg
Central, La.
Member since Jan 2005
27136 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 11:17 am to
Posted by nycajun
Nothin' could be finer.....
Member since Dec 2004
18183 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 11:18 am to
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux decide to patronize the local house of ill repute. When they arrive and tell the young lady hostess who greets them what they want, she excuses herself to go find the Madam.

"There's two old guys out front who each want a young girl, and all our girls are occupied," says the hostess.

"No problem," says the Madam. Those guys are so old--just go in the closet, get out 2 of those blow-up dolls, take them up to rooms 11 and 12, tuck them in bed, and turn the lights out--those guys will never know the difference."

The hostess does just that, and then shows our heroes up to the darkened rooms. Half an hour later, they meet in the hallway on their way out.

"How was she, your girl" asks Boudreaux.

"My girl, I'm t'inkin' she was dead," says Thibodeaux.

"Dead? Why you th'inkin' dat?"

"Man, I gots up on toppa her and grindin' away like no tomorra, and she just been layin dere, not movin' a bit. How 'bout yours?"

"I'm t'inkin' mine was a witch," says Boudreaux.

"A witch? Why you t'ink dat?"

"Well, you knowin' me--I likes to git a bit frisky. I gives her a big hug and bites her on de neck and dat bitch farts and flies out de window!"
Posted by RAGINTIGER
Homeless
Member since Dec 2003
6539 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 12:07 pm to
Long but WAY worth it...

This is way too funny!!

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named
FRANK, who was visiting
Texas
from the East Coast, Maine:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an
outstanding Famous
celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because
no one else wanted to
do
it. Also the original person called in sick at
the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to
the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by
the other two judges
(Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told
me
I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing
kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shite, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried
paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to
put the flames out.
Hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm
not sure what I am
supposed
to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me
the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3
extra beers when they
saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good
use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I
have
been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Barmaid pounded
me
on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. I'm
getting
shite-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish or
other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to
taste
it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills; that
300lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like
this nuclear-waste I'm
eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use
more tomato. Must admit
the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted
and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended
when
I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my
tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
a pitcher. It really
pisses
me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. frick those
rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spice
and
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous,
sulfuric
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that slut Sally.
I
need to wipe my arse with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of
chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I
am worried about Judge
Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress
as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a fricking grenade in my
mouth, pull the fricking
pin,
and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye, and
the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt
is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my fricking mouth. My
pants are full of
lava-like
shite
to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the
autopsy they'll know what
killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's
too painful. frick it,
I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in
through the
fricking 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all,
not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced
chili, neither mild nor
hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 passed out,
fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to
make
it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to report)

Posted by hjptiger
St. Charles Parish
Member since Aug 2005
488 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 12:42 pm to
Posted by Fleur-De-Lis
New Orleans
Member since Jan 2006
3317 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 12:53 pm to
wow..... that was awesome
Posted by LSU Tiger
Member since Sep 2003
4196 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 1:01 pm to
A miner in Colorado came into town for supplies after being in the hills for a year. He loaded his wagon and went to the local saloon. The miner ordered a whiskey and asked the bartender if there were any women around.

"Nope," said the bartender. "Just Old Joe back in the alley.

The miner said, "I don't go for that shite." He finished his whiskey and left.

The next year the miner bought his supplies and returned to the same saloon. He ordered a whiskey and asked the bartender if there were any women around.

"Nope," said the bartender. "Just Old Joe back in the alley.

The miner said, "I told you last year that don't go for that shite." He finished his whiskey and left.

The next year the miner bought his supplies and returned to the same saloon. He ordered a whiskey and asked the bartender if there were any women around.

"Nope," said the bartender. "Just Old Joe back in the alley."

The miner scratched his whiskers and thought of how long it had been since he been intimate. So he asked the bartender, "Tell me something. If I was to pay Old Joe a visit who would know about it."

The bartender replied, "Well, there is you, me, Old Joe and seven other guys."

"What seven other guys," asked the miner?

The bartender said, "The seven other guys who hold down Old Joe. He doesn't go for that shite either."


Posted by mhsdeuce07
Member since Dec 2006
8238 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 1:07 pm to
A guy walks into a bar....ouch

A skeleton walks into a bar, he orders a beer and a mop.

What do Michael Jackson and acne have in common? They both come on little boys faces when there 13.
Posted by Purplehaze
spring, tx
Member since Dec 2003
2130 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 1:19 pm to
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
Posted by hjptiger
St. Charles Parish
Member since Aug 2005
488 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 1:23 pm to
Posted by jrenton
Houston
Member since Mar 2007
1988 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 1:24 pm to
The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet again.


The engaged girlfriend said: "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask.
He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long."

The mistress stated: "Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night."

The married one then said: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.
My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
Posted by TreeDawg
Central, La.
Member since Jan 2005
27136 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 1:25 pm to


wise old fricker...........
Posted by olla tiger
Member since Mar 2006
1631 posts
Posted on 4/24/08 at 2:17 pm to
quote:

Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
:rotflmao:
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