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Started By
Message
re: Mitch Hedberg thread
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:12 am to When in Rome
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:12 am to When in Rome
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
0
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:13 am to When in Rome
"I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. 'Cheeseburgers?' 'Nope. We've got spaghetti. And blankets.'".
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:13 am to rexorotten
quote:heard he stopped
I used to do drugs... I still do, but I used to, too.
Eta
He would've laughed.
This post was edited on 11/8/21 at 12:08 pm
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:14 am to When in Rome
quote:Or go quote Mitch Hedberg in the garage.
Seems like y'all just became best friends and should probably go do karate in the garage.
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:14 am to SEClint
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add "er."
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:15 am to Gaggle
I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you?
"frick you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!
"frick you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:15 am to rexorotten
"That keeps shite fresh. That's a Fresher. I'm going on break."
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:16 am to SEClint
"I saw a guy juggling chainsaws. It was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down. Then, it's annoying."
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:16 am to rexorotten
Too lazy to Google it but something to the effect of:
Do you know why commercials for above ground pools are 30 seconds long?
Because they depict the maximum amount of time you can have fun in an above ground pool.
Do you know why commercials for above ground pools are 30 seconds long?
Because they depict the maximum amount of time you can have fun in an above ground pool.
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:17 am to Jor Jor The Dinosaur
quote:
"That keeps shite fresh. That's a Fresher. I'm going on break."
"Tree! No, Double Tree! That's it, meeting over!"
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:18 am to When in Rome
quote:
One time a guy handed me a picture, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Here's a picture of me when I was older. Where'd you get that camera?!
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:18 am to Gaggle
"How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?"
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well, this club is formed."
"I'm for 'em!"
"Well, this club is formed."
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:19 am to Comic_Tiger
I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I've done that way more.
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:21 am to Jor Jor The Dinosaur
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with them later."
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:21 am to Jor Jor The Dinosaur
I mumble a lot. Sometimes I'm walking down the street with my friend and I'll say something, he won't hear me and says 'what?'. I'll repeat it but once again he doesn't hear me and says 'what?'. But really, it's just some insignificant shite I'm saying but now I'm yelling 'THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY!'
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:22 am to Jor Jor The Dinosaur
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall."
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:23 am to Gaggle
“The Dufrenes are in someone’s trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they’re hungry.”
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:24 am to UnluckyTiger
"Dufrenes, search party of three"
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:25 am to UnluckyTiger
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Posted on 11/8/21 at 11:25 am to Gaggle
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.
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