Lighten Up With Humor.....Add your best!

Two nuns were walking through the park. Two man jumped out from behind the bushes and began to rape the nuns. One nun looks up to the heaven and says, “forgive them father for they know not what they do.” The other nun yells out.



”This one does!”

~~~~~

A little girl came to her mom and said the boys at school keep asking me to do cartwheels the mom said stop that they just want to see your under panties the next day the little girl came to her mom again and said they asked me to do cartwheels again and I did the mom said I told you they just want to see your under panties she said fooled them I didn't wear any

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Little Johnny’s class is sitting at their desk when the teacher asks, Who can tell me what part of the body goes into heaven first after we die.
Little Amy raises her hand and with that brainy look , she says, I KNOW THIS ANSWER, and she says, its the hands because we put our hands together to pray and raise our hands to the heavens,
The kid next to her says NO, you dont put your hands above your head when you pray, So its your head that goes first,
Then Lil Johnny stands up and he is on a mission to speak. So with hesitation the teacher says, OK Johnny, what part goes to heaven first?

And Lil Johnny says, I know its their FEET, because I heard my Mom and Dad in the bedroom making all kinds of moans, and my Mon must have been dieing, because she kept screaming real loud, OH GOD IM COMING , YES JESUS I AM COMING, so I peeked into the room by the crack of the door, and YEP, I saw my Moms feet, and they were heading staight up to the heavens, and I TELL YOU WHAT, If My Dad wasn't on top of her holding her down she would have gone right then and there too!!!!

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One day God and Adam were walking the garden. God told Adam it was time to populate the earth. He told Adam, "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve." Adam replied, "God, what is a kiss?" God told Adam, and Adam went and took behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam came back out with a big smile and exclaimed "Wow, Lord! That was great!! What next?" God declared, "Adam, I now want you to caress Eve." Adam asks, "Lord what is caress?" God explained it to Adam and he again took her behind the bush. A little while later, he came out and declared, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What next?" God replied, "Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to take Eve and make love to her." Adam asked "Lord, what is make love?" God explained it; Adam took Eve behind the bush -- and a few seconds later, came out, asking,


"Lord, what is a headache?"

~~~~

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He is in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows it.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"

~~~~


So a teenage boy goes into a confessional and says “Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

From the other side of the partition, the voice of the priest comes back, “Is that you young Pat MacNamara?”

“Yes father.”

“And who was this girl you committed this sin with?”

“I cannot say father, I don’t want to sully her reputation.”

The priest asks “Was it Mary O’Reilly?”

“I cannot say father.”

“Was it Betsy Moignahan?”

“I won’t tell.”

“Was it Bridget McDowell?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Agnes O’Toole?”

“I will not say.”

“Kathy MacDougal?”

“I am sorry Father, but I refuse to speak her name.”

“Well son, it is admirable that you won’t say it, but I’m afraid you cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Go and sin no more.”


He leaves the confession and his buddy in the pew asks him “so what did you get?”


He says,







“4 months off and 5 good leads.”

Why was the blonde sniffing saccharine?

Cause she thought it was diet Coke!

Why can't you trust atoms?




They make up everything.

Hilarious jokes grandpa. Please fwd me that email chain.

5/4 of people admit they're bad with fractions

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

I've decided instead of calling my toilet the John, I'm gonna call it the Jim. That way it sounds a lot better when I say, I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Here's one for the 6 down-votes....You all are so stupid you could count your balls all day long and never come up with the same number twice.

Lighten up dudes!