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re: How do people cope with separation or divorce?
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:26 am to ArmyHogs
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:26 am to ArmyHogs
It sounds like you guys are not officially separated yet. Why not revisit the marriage counseling? Hell do therapy too. Is there really not time to salvage this?
You have three kids think of them.
You have three kids think of them.
1
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:31 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
How do people cope with separation or divorce?
Shift the focus to yourself. It can be done. It isn't easy. It sucks. But the only thing you can control in this situation is yourself. You have to learn how to let everything else go.
Find a hobby or activity that you enjoy. Work on yourself. Maybe it's working on yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. If you do this daily, you will become a better person. It doesn't mean you will get your spouse back, but you will be more well-rounded for anything that comes your way in life.
You'll learn in life that sadly, when the shite hits the fan, you are the only person in this life that you can truly count on. So, it's up to you to get yourself better to deal with what life throws at you.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:32 am to TubaDawg
quote:
It sounds like you guys are not officially separated yet. Why not revisit the marriage counseling? Hell do therapy too. Is there really not time to salvage this? You have three kids think of them.
They should definitely go to counseling. Sounds like she’s been trying, he’s scared to change and just giving up. One day they’ll have to answer to the kids when they’re grown. Should at least be able to say they tried everything.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:36 am to BeerMoney
quote:
They should definitely go to counseling. Sounds like she’s been trying, he’s scared to change and just giving up
Yeah maybe that's salvageable. I'd try my best with kids involved.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:37 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
We have had big issues for years and she decided to end it. There is no cheating or abuse. Over the years we just became toxic to each other. Couldn’t get along. I am to blame for a lot of it. She suggested marriage counseling a couple of times and my stupid stubborn arse said no, and we could handle it ourselves. Obviously now it’s a huge regret. She isn’t being a bitch to me or anything but I hate it cause I just want to hate her but I can’t you know. We have 3 daughters and that’s the worst part for me know is knowing we have to tell them eventually. We agreed to wait til we are officially separated.
As a therapist who has worked with couples, you still may have a shot. Ask her to go to couples counseling with you. Tell her you fricked up and you want to give it one last shot. Be humble here. Not saying she isn’t at fault as well (it takes two) but you may still be able to salvage things.
Also get an individual therapist for yourself. Work your own shite out. Even if you don’t work things out with her this can make you a better partner in your next relationship.
Google Psychology Today and you should be able to find both for your area.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 6:38 am
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:41 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
She suggested marriage counseling a couple of times and my stupid stubborn arse said no, and we could handle it ourselves. Obviously now it’s a huge regret. S
I can say this without knowing everything about your story. You weren't ready to go to counseling. Could have been pride. Ego. Avoidance. Whatever it was, if you would have gone just to appease her, you would not have "heard" anything. Now, it appears that you are "ready" to listen and understand. This is a good thing.
If your wife won't go with you to counseling, find a counselor for yourself. Over time, she may change her mind --- just like you have. A lot of times it's our stupid pride and ego that gets in the way. One person is ready. The other person isn't. The other person now becomes ready, and as payback, the other person now won't go. It's stupid. It's silly. But it's real. I'm hurt, so you're going to hurt. Blah. Blah.
She may have reached a point where she is not willing to listen or return. It's possible. Who knows. But you still have to work on yourself first and foremost, to become the best version of yourself.
quote:
She isn’t being a bitch to me or anything but I hate it cause I just want to hate her but I can’t you know. We have 3 daughters and that’s the worst part for me know is knowing we have to tell them eventually. We agreed to wait til we are officially separated.
Even if you are hurt, it's best to never say anything negative, hurtful, or anything that can be viewed as pressure or pushing. Hurt people hurt people, so don't do that. If you have something that you want to get off your chest, journal or talk with a counselor. Leave your friends and family out of it --- they are biased (they are naturally on your side), and won't always tell you the things they see that you need to work on. A good counselor, a journal, and lots of self-reflection can.
Lastly, you will always have 3 kids together. She chose you for a reason. You chose her for a reason. Unless one of you remarries or dies, you should always have "hope" that you can restore your marriage, if that is what both of you eventually agree to.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 6:43 am
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:42 am to ArmyHogs
Prayer. Journaling. Get your emotions and thoughts down on paper because over time, it’s amazing to go back and read where you are. Be intentional and try to heal; don’t rush out and try to get under/over someone else to “cope” because that can only create potential attachment and confusion issues during a painful time. Heal yourself, go to therapy and figure out the role you played in the demise, whether large or small, there is ownership for everyone. Your future partner or potential spouse deserves the best you and if you don’t do this, you’re likely to bring the same crap into the next one.
I’m sorry. It’s hard. The loneliness after kids go to bed was always the hardest to me. I got into reading books.
I’m sorry. It’s hard. The loneliness after kids go to bed was always the hardest to me. I got into reading books.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:43 am to ArmyHogs
I got married in Church. Good guy pastor, a tiny bit on the strict side, but good guy overal.
The way I look at it is I gave my word in front of a lot of human beings AND ALSO in front of the allmighty God that I would stay together with this person.
I personally feel the only way I will be "released" from this is if my wife dies. Until then, I made my choice, I made a promise and I will keep that promise even if some times I am like aaaarrrggh. (that happens almost never, mayve twice a year and five minutes later we laugh about it). I am a lucky man!
Sorry, my choice, my responsibilty, no "do overs".
The way I look at it is I gave my word in front of a lot of human beings AND ALSO in front of the allmighty God that I would stay together with this person.
I personally feel the only way I will be "released" from this is if my wife dies. Until then, I made my choice, I made a promise and I will keep that promise even if some times I am like aaaarrrggh. (that happens almost never, mayve twice a year and five minutes later we laugh about it). I am a lucky man!
Sorry, my choice, my responsibilty, no "do overs".
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:45 am to TulaneLSU
quote:
Friend,
My parents’ divorce was one of the hardest things I ever went through. The knowledge of God’s love and goodness, friends, and staying active in a community got me through it. The pain is acute now, and it may never fully leave you, but you are loved and have infinite value.
Yours,
TulaneLSU
F uck the shtick, tell us where you hid the bodies.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:45 am to ArmyHogs
Do the counseling if she is still willing. If you don't, you will have regrets.
Also, get out in the wilderness and hike, camp, fish, etc. so you can clear your head.
Also, get out in the wilderness and hike, camp, fish, etc. so you can clear your head.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:47 am to Eurocat
quote:
The way I look at it is I gave my word in front of a lot of human beings AND ALSO in front of the allmighty God that I would stay together with this person.
She could leave you and there's nothing that you could do about it.
We all made the same vows but many marriages don't last. My parents got divorced after 13 years of marriage and 3 kids. They got married in a church too.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:47 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
I am to blame for a lot of it.
My experience and in my reading/understanding of relationships is that it usually is the guy’s fault if 1) there’s no cheating/abuse/self harm or 2) she hasn’t let herself go to the point of being physically unattractive. Has she given you any kind of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech yet?
All the advice people will give you (and your Jordan Peterson clips) are applicable for both after divorce AND during marriage.
You’ll probably start to take care of your body through diet and exercise; get your own place that is well kempt and decorated; improve your attire; become more social with friends and hobbies; flirt with other women through purposeful, assertive interactions; develop a personal set of goals (like a five year plan); live life without regard to anyone else’s opinions on how you should live. You know, the bachelor kind of life.
Where do you think your marriage would be in a year if you became that guy now instead of waiting for divorce to be the spark?
Many times, guys envision that kind of life as being only possible after marriage. That it’s the marriage or the wife’s fault for holding you back. That you can’t be happy or get the things you want out of life because of her. When in reality, it’s because of you.
I don’t know your situation or what all is going on in your marriage. Your marriage might be done.
But either way, I encourage you to write out everything wrong in your life and in your marriage. List out what you want in life, what would make you happy, and what’s holding you back.
I’ll fast forward to the next step: once you do that, look to see how many statements are “I” statements vs how many are “she” statements. If they’re not ALL “I” statements, then your divorce will only temporarily mask your problems until they reappear later. Either when the bachelor life gets old, or the bachelor life doesn’t turn out the be what you expected, or your next relationship turns out like your current marriage.
You are in charge of your own happiness and building the life you want to live. Once you figure that out, women LOVE guys like that. They love to follow a man’s lead if he has his shite together.
Get your shite together, man. You owe it to yourself, your daughters, and whatever woman you end up with.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 6:53 am
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:49 am to ArmyHogs
Been going through it for the last two years. 3 things.
1. Develop a group of friends… If you don’t have any. I sort of support group that can occupy your time and give you advice.
2. Go talk to someone. There is a stigma about men seeking therapy. That is complete bullshite. Go talk to someone and get this off your chest. Trust me it works.
3. You would best serve yourself and your kids, if you have any, to remember that she is your enemy now. I don’t mean that in a physical sense. I mean that you do not trust her. You steer clear of her. And you should always keep your guard up because she will frick you every chance she gets. I don’t care what anybody else on there tells you about“she’s the mother of your kids“, bullshite… I didn’t say you have to frick her over I just said you need to consider an enemy. You would never let the enemy close to you and that would best serve you.
1. Develop a group of friends… If you don’t have any. I sort of support group that can occupy your time and give you advice.
2. Go talk to someone. There is a stigma about men seeking therapy. That is complete bullshite. Go talk to someone and get this off your chest. Trust me it works.
3. You would best serve yourself and your kids, if you have any, to remember that she is your enemy now. I don’t mean that in a physical sense. I mean that you do not trust her. You steer clear of her. And you should always keep your guard up because she will frick you every chance she gets. I don’t care what anybody else on there tells you about“she’s the mother of your kids“, bullshite… I didn’t say you have to frick her over I just said you need to consider an enemy. You would never let the enemy close to you and that would best serve you.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:50 am to fallguy_1978
That is absolutely possible, I am talking only about my own approach.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:54 am to Eurocat
quote:
That is absolutely possible, I am talking only about my own approach.
I wasn't trying to be a dick
Thankfully, my wife and I worked through the difficult years we've had together
Posted on 5/6/23 at 6:58 am to fallguy_1978
quote:
The way I look at it is I gave my word in front of a lot of human beings AND ALSO in front of the allmighty God that I would stay together with this person.
quote:
She could leave you and there's nothing that you could do about it.
This is true. I was and am against divorce (for reasons I have stated before). But it doesn't matter what I believe and hold sacred to me. If the other person wants out, they're going to get out and there is nothing I can do about it. I've said before that I think divorce is one of the most selfish things any person can ever do, especially if children are involved, but that's my opinion and others are entitled to think entirely different.
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 6:59 am
Posted on 5/6/23 at 7:05 am to ArmyHogs
Drinking is a slippery slope. I spent as much time as I could outside…fishing, hunting, traveling/hiking. Spent a lot of time at church and worked to better understand my religion. That’s what got me through.
I’m 5 years out and I’m happier, healthier and doing better than ever.
I’m 5 years out and I’m happier, healthier and doing better than ever.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 7:26 am to ArmyHogs
quote:
How do people keep their minds from going to crazy dark places and handle their shite? This is unbelievably hard. I just want to reset my brain or something. My brother recommended listening to Jordan Peterson on YouTube. Anyone deal with this before?
Work more
Spend more time with friends and family
Hobbies
I’m not sure if you’re wanting to reconcile or not but I started following Corey Wayne on YouTube.
Either way, he’s good to follow. He has a video for any situation you can think of.
7 principles to get an ex back
This post was edited on 5/6/23 at 8:14 am
Posted on 5/6/23 at 7:27 am to ArmyHogs
I’m nine years in. I’ll let you know if I figure it out.
Divorce sucks, not being an everyday dad sucks.
If you have a low moral code and want to just sleep with a bunch of random women it may be easier but that’s not me.
Divorce sucks, not being an everyday dad sucks.
If you have a low moral code and want to just sleep with a bunch of random women it may be easier but that’s not me.
Posted on 5/6/23 at 7:28 am to ArmyHogs
Yep
Take time to heal & don't fight the dark times. You'll come out a better person....just make sure the kids know that both parents love them.
Hang in there
Take time to heal & don't fight the dark times. You'll come out a better person....just make sure the kids know that both parents love them.
Hang in there
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