re: Doubt this has happened to a TDer before.

As a parent of an adopted child, I have a little understanding about what you are going through. We were always open about her adoption and supported her efforts to contact her birth mother when she was a teenager. State laws differ, but most states support birth parents and children connecting once the child is an adult. That said, I would support your wife's desire to meet he son's family to help her gain some understanding of her son's life. I wish you the best.

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Why is it their duty? I could not disagree more. Again, if they knew it would cause damage then I would argue they should not tell him. I can’t imagine how hard it is telling your son after nearly 30 years of raising him that you’re essentially not his real parent. That’s a deterrent to adopt in and of itself in my opinion.

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The healthy way, is to tell the child when he/she is old enough to understand (5 or 6 years old), Otherwise he/she will feel betrayed by adoptive parents when the situation is inevitably learned. Being "secret" would make it seem like there is something wrong with adoption.

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very likely want to know.

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Not in my case, so don't pretend to know what he "may" have wanted. He can't want something he doesn't know. You are making a strange and circular argument.

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And you have said multiple times that the adoptive parents should have relayed relevant info to the mom. That has nothing to do with the son, and everything to do with the mom.

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No, I'm saying if any of the reasons you've provided are legit (addiction problems, wouldn't want to know, etc.) it seems more likely than not they would have included those as reasons to try and convince the biological mother to stay away.

Instead they completely ignored her and told her to stay out of their lives.

That, at least to me, points more towards a selfish decision rather than one where they take into account what their son might want to know.

Went over much better? Again, that has nothing to do with the son and everything to do with the mom. They do not owe mom anything. They certainly don’t have to share info on their son with her, and it’s not their obligation to pass along the letters.

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It seems more likely that this decision was based on selfish reasons rather than what their son would very likely want to know.

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Completely disagree. To me it seems they have not told the son he is adopted, and didn’t want to then either, likely because they knew it would not go over well.

And you keep saying “very likely”. Listen, maybe you would want to know. But plenty of others, including folks in the thread, have said otherwise. Not everyone would want to know.

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Not in my case

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You're in the minority, I've already posted a poll where 88% of people would want to know.

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To me it seems they have not told the son he is adopted, and didn’t want to then either, likely because they knew it would not go over well.

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What are you basing that off of?

Damn Hubba - that's deep for a sunday morning...

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Why would they share info like that?

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... to prevent what appears to be a fairly motivated biological mother from contacting their adopted son who's going through a very rough spot in life (your own suggestion).

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The healthy way, is to tell the child when he/she is old enough to understand (5 or 6 years old),

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I agree. We never kept it a secret fromnour daughter and shared pictures and other information about her bith mother as soon as she was old enough to understand the concept.