Let's write the World Cup

I think this could be a fun SB cooperative endeavor.

This is what we do: take a group, any group, and say what happens in each game. Who wins? Who loses? Are there injuries? Subs? Who gets screwed by the refs? Where does the drama come from? How does your group play out, ideally, in your mind? The WC makes for the craziest of stories, so let's write one.

I'd like to see us write one out for every group, and from there maybe move on to the knockout rounds if people are up for it. I know we have plenty of great writers here, and some comedians too: WSE, Leauxgan, BEAST, Hendo, wm72, and hell, I would even love to see one written in Dandy's crazy variation of English

So, without further Adu (SWIDT?), I present Group A, as I see it happening:

Despite the great expectations of seeing the Joga Bonito from Brazil, the Seleção comes out flatter than expected in their first match, against Croatia. The match goes back and forth for the better part of 90 minutes, until quite late Neymar wins a corner for the blue and yellow. Neymar sends it in, and after a scrum in the area it comes back to the top of the 18, and Hulk smashes a half volley that looks like its headed for the top corner. Mandzukic dives and deflects the ball with his nose, preserving a point for Croatia, much to the chagrin of the Brazilian fans.

The Mexico-Cameroon match was a farce, as many expected it would be. Flopping, face grabbing, jersey pulling, tripping- no flow could be established and the match had little rhythm. Early on the Mexicans go down a man after Marquez gets a fifteenth minute red card for slapping Alex Song in the face following a crunching tackle. Yes, it was a slap. The ball is put back into play, and surprisingly the Mexicans put together a beautiful set of one-twos that results in Javier Hernandez being put in one v one with Cameroon's keeper. He rounds the keeper... and misses the empty net! Oh how could he?!? Frustrated, two minutes later Chicha makes a cynical tackle on Alex Song who, instead of giving an inch, stared straight through the Mexican- one might even say penetrating his soul, filling it with the hardened sorrow of growing up fatherless in war torn Africa. Hernandez immediately pees himself before seeing a yellow. In the 25th minute, Mexico were amazingly handed another straight red after Andres Guardado was caught injecting himself with chicken steroids. The game then became whack and hack, as the Mexicans knew it was all they could resort to. Cameroon gave it back in turn. In the most egregious play of the match, Eto'o got so annoyed with the Little Pea being a Little Bitch that he ran over and grabbed his crotch in an effort to rip his balls off. To the surprise of no one, in the place of two testicles Eto'o found a vagina. Even more irritated, he immediately ran to Dos Santos and ripped off his one descended testicle with a single, swift motion. Koman Coulibaly, who was reffing that day, was no more than five feet away from the incident, but rather than sending off Eto'o he called a foul on Dos Santos. When asked after the game as to why he did so, Coulibaly gave no explanation. Final score: 13-0.

In the next set of matches Croatia tied Cameroon 1-0, and Brazil beat Mexico 1-0 in what the British papers called "a dour affair." After scoring on Mexico in the fastest goal scored in WC history, all of El Tri spontaneously collapsed to the ground in tears. Once order was restored and the ball put back in the center circle, the Mexican team, in a show of solidarity, walked to the locker room holding hands, refusing to succumb to the hurt of their own disgrace. Before they got off the pitch, though, they were all given yellow cards and ordered to resume play. Play was resumed and the ball was immediately stolen by Neymar, who in an effort to impress his home fans performed youtube tricks around the crying Mexicans for the next 89 minutes. The Brazilian fans were so thrilled by the display that they did not realize, in fact, that this was incredibly stupid.

It all came down to the final day. Brazil, Cameroon, and Croatia needed a result to advance, and even Mexico was mathematically still in it. The pressure finally got to Brazil and they were only able to eek out a 1-1 draw against an overmatched Cameroon. It was out of their hands now. Mexico had to tie 0-0 or beat Croatia for Brazil to advance on goals scored, or to advance on GD, respectively. Mexico, desperate not to leave the WC with nothing to show for it, played their hearts out against Croatia. Then, in the 90th minute, Croatia subbed on Luka Modric for an offensive spark. Mistaking him for Graham Zusi, the Mexicans immediately kneeled before him in prayer. Croatia walked in a goal and the game ended, with Brazil crashing out without a win and with Croatia and Cameroon advancing.

The outrage was unlike anything ever seen in Brazil. The riots that proceeded were ten times those seen at the Confederations Cup the year before. The rage was concentrated at two organizations... the CBF and the FMF. In short time the Brazilian team went missing, and the bodies were never found. The hotel that the Mexican team was staying at was burned to the ground, killing everyone inside. In an amazing coincidence, both Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini were in the hotel to present El Tri with their participants medals, and also perished.

TL;DR: The US somehow wins this thing and Sunil Gulati becomes the next head of FIFA and immediately revokes the WC from Qatar and relocates it to.... 'MURICA.


The end.