Doug Stanhope is writing Yelp reviews and it's glorious

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The Hart & The Hunter:

My egg and toast arrived and were just fine except for just one simple request.

"Excuse me, miss, but could I get some salt & pepper?"

I could have been Oliver Twist asking for more gruel.

The waitress looked at me stunned and mumbled "We don't... really... have... salt." she said while mimicking shaking a salt shaker as though the word 'shaker' was not in her lexicon. "But I can ask."

She walk into the coffee area and makes no move to ask anyone anything. Finally I get up and ask another waitress who also tells me they dont "really" have salt and pepper but she'd "see what I can do."

Minutes later she came out with a small plate, salt dumped on one side, pepper on the other with a look on her face of "Are you happy now?"

I wish I'd been in any physical condition to take them up on their $10 Bottomless Mimosas because I could have had them re-mortgaging their homes before the end of the business day.

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Aloft Portland Airport at Cascade Station:

Quick note - whoever Yi Z is that wrote review of this place that began with "Benji gives Aloft 4 paws up (equivalent to 5 stars because he only has 4 paws). Benji's mommy agrees with his rating." Shes written 1700-some reviews and I can only imagine the poor prick who went home with her drunk and woke up to that horror.

You should be able to Yelp individuals.

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McDonalds:

You won't sell me a single breakfast burrito?

"We only sell them in pairs."

What are you, fricking Noah?

You are that fricking desperate or cruel that you make people in a hurry, forced to eat horrible shite in a sprint to make a connection, buy two of shite if they want to eat shite?

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