How to Survive the Soccer Board

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT OF THE SOCCER BOARD

No scores in thread titles. None. Whatsoever. It doesn't matter what time of day the match is being played. The founders and veterans have etched this in stone. Don't ever put a score in the thread title. At all. Ever. Period. End of discussion.
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TERMS/LINGO/INSIDE JOKES

Soccer Terms

Pitch: The soccer field.

Kit: Uniform. Includes shirt, shorts, boots, socks, etc.

Stoppage Time / Injury Time: Since the upwards-counting clock constantly runs in soccer, time is not stopped for injuries or lengthy dead balls. At the end of the 45 minutes each half, the referee adds extra minutes to the clock to make up for lost time. This is not an exact time unlike other sports, and the end of the half is all up to the referee.

Offside: Not "offsides." No "s." A rather confusing rule for beginners. In the most basic terms, the receiver of a pass cannot be closer to the goal than the ball and the second-to-last defender (the goalkeeper usually is the last defender) when the ball is initially touched. The rule gets murky whenever you have to decide whether an offside player, even if the pass wasn't intended for him, is "actively involved" in the play.

Corner / Corner Kick: If the ball goes out of bounds past the goal line and the defending team was the last one to touch it, the offensive team gets to play it back into play by crossing the ball from the corner of the field. This is where you see headed goalscoring opportunities.

Cross: A lofted pass that usually goals toward the front of the goal for headers. Crosses are usually played from the wings.

Free Kick: Whenever a foul is committed outside the penalty box (more on that below), the team who was fouled restarts play by kicking the ball from the spot of the foul, without any defensive pressure on the kicker.

Penalty / Pen: Whenever a player is fouled inside the goalkeeper's 18-yard box or there is a handball call inside the 18-yard box, the offensive team is awarded a direct kick from 12 yards out, one-on-one with the goalkeeper.

Tifo: Large fan displays before games. Usually a large sign, several large signs, or widespread card displays.

American Terms

USMNT: The United States Men's National Team. The Yanks. Rapists of the Hex. You will be cheering for them in Brazil.

Klinsi / Jurgy: Jurgen Klinsmann. Former German star, current USMNT manager. Doing a lot to grow the game in the United States. I'm sure he has nicknames I'm forgetting.

Germaricans: Nickname given to the half-German/half-American players on the USMNT. These include Jermaine Jones, Timmy Chandler, Fabian Johnson and Julian Green. Born to German mothers and American military fathers. FIFA rules let these players with dual-citizenship through their parents pick who they want to play for, and these guys made the right choice. Klinsmann has recruited several of these guys.

Deuce: Clint Dempsey. Rapper. USMNT captain. American hero. Creator of Deuce Face. Played in the EPL, now tears it up for Seattle. Don't tread.

Josmer / Young Josmer: Jozy Altidore. USMNT forward. Coming off a dreadful year at Sunderland in the English Premier League. Seems to turn up the goalscoring when he's playing for the USMNT.

Baby Bradley / BB / Lex Luthor: Michael Bradley. Former European-trotting midfielder, now Toronto FC workhorse. The greatest player in North America. His dad was the coach.

Timmy / Timmay: Tim Howard. USMNT and Everton goalkeeper.

Aron Bacon: Aron Johannsson. Plays for AZ in Holland and is a newer USMNT forward. Born in Mobile, Alabama. Pissed off Iceland, suited up for America. He looks like Kevin Bacon. Plays for AZ in Holland.

Wondo: Chris Wondolowski (or Wondowlowski, if you prefer). San Jose Earthquakes striker who went on a ridiculous scoring streak for club and country over the last year. The poachiest poacher who ever poached.

San Zusi: Graham Zusi. USMNT and Sporting Kansas City midfielder. He scored a late header for the USMNT that basically sent Mexico to the World Cup. (Turn on the English subtitles on that YouTube link to see how the Mexican announcer trashes Mexico while praising the USMNT.)

BeckerDreads: Kyle Beckerman. Veteran USMNT and Real Salt Lake midfielder. Has dreadlocks. His stock has rose for the most part in the eyes of the SB under Klinsmann.

DMB / Run DMB: DeMarcus Beasley. Veteran USMNT midfielder who has found a new role as a defender under Klinsmann. He could absolutely fly in his prime, and he still has speed for a four-time World Cupper, the first in American history.

JAB: John Anthony Brooks. German-American defender who looks to be the future of the position at center back.

Fab: Fabian Johnson. German-American defender who can just flat-out play soccer. Pushing up, defending, passing...he's in inspired form right now.

Jermaine Jones: USMNT defensive midfielder with a tendency to roam and a greater tendency to cut you completely in half with a slide tackle. Plays for Besiktas in Turkey after a long tenure at Schalke 04 in Germany.

Alejandro Bedoya: Colombian-American winger and attacking midfielder for USMNT and French side Nantes. Had a great season abroad and a few good friendlies in the buildup to the World Cup.

Mix Diskerud: The second-most beautiful midfielder in the American pool. Half-Norwegian, so he's basically a Nordic god. Plays for Rosenborg in the country of his birth.

Julian Green: Just turned 19 years old. Forward/winger who was born in Tampa, Florida, but grew up in Germany. He plays for Bayern Munich's reserve team and has featured in a Champions League match for the German giants. There's a ton of hype surrounding this guy.

Matt Besler: Sporting Kansas City center back who could be a starter in Brazil. Former MLS Defender of the Year who has seen his stock explode during this cycle.

Omar Gonzalez: Los Angeles Galaxy center back who was going to be a starter in Brazil, but some poor performances and an injury have slowed him down. Perennial MLS All-Star.

DeAndre Yedlin: Young guy, plays for the Seattle Sounders. Homegrown talent from Washington who has a lot of potential, especially with his attacking skills as a right back.

Geoff Cameron: He's played center back and right back for club (Stoke City) and country (the USA, duh). Versatile defender who should have a starting spot in Brazil.

Brad Davis: Old guy. Left foot. Houston.

Brad Guzan: Bald backup goalkeeper who plays for Aston Villa. The future starter, most likely, for the USMNT.

Nick Rimando: Third goalkeeper on the team, plays for Real Salt Lake. Hopefully you'll never see him in Brazil.

Dos a Cero: "Two to zero." This is a common scoreline for USMNT wins over Mexico in recent years, ensuring America's spot on top of North American soccer.

GAM: Eddie Johnson. When asked which video games he played, he responded, "I don’t play video games. I’m a grown-arse man." Won't be at the World Cup.

StuHawk / StuBear: Stu Holden. USMNT and Bolton midfielder. The Soccer Board's favorite man crush. Has the worst injury luck of anyone on the planet. Won't be at the World Cup.

LandyCakes / LandyShades / Cakes / Lando: Landon Donovan. Greatest player in USMNT history. Hates Mexicans. He's somehow not at the World Cup.