re: Writing better business e-mails.......

Golfer:

Thanks for your kind message. However I regret to inform you that I have died recently and am no longer in a position to accept visitors in the New Orleans area. I was quite the horrible sumbitch in the flesh, so my karmic sentence is to dwell in the Jackson, Mississippi downtown area for all eternity. You are welcomed to join me there, however, I honestly cannot recommend it to anyone.

Sincerely Yours,

RIP.

quote:

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Subject: Meeting in New Orleans - Project Apple

TJG,

Good Afternoon. I am Golfer, Director of Widgets at Widgets inc, and would like to meet with you in person during my next visit to New Orleans on March 10th and 11th.

We have recently launched Project Apple and I believe that your company would benefit from this venture. More information on the project can be found at www.projectapple.com.

I look forward to hearing from you soon regarding your availability.

Sincerely,
Golfer

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I would probably only send this as a follow-up to an inquiry or some other expressed interest from the client. Otherwise you've not given him any information about how the product/service and meeting will benefit him. Also, you said you look forward to hearing from him, I'd turn that around with "I'll give you a call Monday morning to discuss a demonstration for you and your team. Of course, feel free to contact me anytime if you have questions or would like additional information."

- implied benefit
- build trust (i.e. reference, press)
- call to action (website, attachment, seminar)
- next step you'll be taking to follow up

Of course you could reverse this with a phone call first with voice mail likely. At the end of the message state, "I'm going to send you an email shortly with a short white paper detailing how ZYX Industries cut lead times in half after they installed the gizmo 950"