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Started By
Message
So..got in a fight with the wife tonight…
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:02 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:02 am
I know I’m in the right place.
I’ve been married for 25 years to a woman I love immensely. We’ve been through a lot. We have two teenage sons..one that just graduated HS and another that is a rising sophomore. We’re both from traditional families and decided that before our first she would stay home and I would be the bread winner. This has worked to now as I’ve been fortunate and careful in my job choices.
About 10 years ago her mom went through a bought of dementia and passed away…it was a brutal year long affair. Then about 4 years ago her dad had lung cancer and also died. Brutal. She was the primary care giver and he really worked her over. All during this time I kept the torch burning and covered what needed to be covered. Soldiering on.
Since then she’s been different. No joy in life. Her best friends also tell me about it. It’s not just me. We’ve managed to pull out of that but she’s drinking a half to full bottle of wine a night. I’m happy to join her but as I’ve gotten older I don’t want to do that but it’s hard when you’re surrounded by it and our only conversations are a result of drinking. I’ve been trying to clean my shite up and she’s going in the opposite direction.
Also, she’s drawn back from all of the mom things. Taking care of the house, taking care of her husband, cooking, cleaning….all of it. Coming up with a “meal plan” for everyone is point of contention. She complains to me about what our sons do like she has no influence. I feel like she’s acting like an outside observer on our lives and doesn’t want it engage. Her sole focus is on lunch with her friends, girls weekend with her friends, yoga with her friends, etc.
So to tonight..obviously this has been building. We’re looking at putting two kids through college and I’ve been pressing that it’s time to get a job. Just a minimal income over the next 7 years to supplement what I make really could move the needle. The youngest will be driving n 6 mths and I work from home…so we don’t need the mom shuttle any more.
She blew up. “I haven’t worked in 20 years”..”nobody would hire me”. She mentioned a few things and said “I don’t want to do that” to which I responded “ Do you think I do what I do because I want to? No…I have no choice”. As you can imagine it didn’t go well.
I post this as therapy as I doubt I’ll get any real actionable opinions. But just want wanted to read the room. Am I the a-hole here? What should I do?
I’ve been married for 25 years to a woman I love immensely. We’ve been through a lot. We have two teenage sons..one that just graduated HS and another that is a rising sophomore. We’re both from traditional families and decided that before our first she would stay home and I would be the bread winner. This has worked to now as I’ve been fortunate and careful in my job choices.
About 10 years ago her mom went through a bought of dementia and passed away…it was a brutal year long affair. Then about 4 years ago her dad had lung cancer and also died. Brutal. She was the primary care giver and he really worked her over. All during this time I kept the torch burning and covered what needed to be covered. Soldiering on.
Since then she’s been different. No joy in life. Her best friends also tell me about it. It’s not just me. We’ve managed to pull out of that but she’s drinking a half to full bottle of wine a night. I’m happy to join her but as I’ve gotten older I don’t want to do that but it’s hard when you’re surrounded by it and our only conversations are a result of drinking. I’ve been trying to clean my shite up and she’s going in the opposite direction.
Also, she’s drawn back from all of the mom things. Taking care of the house, taking care of her husband, cooking, cleaning….all of it. Coming up with a “meal plan” for everyone is point of contention. She complains to me about what our sons do like she has no influence. I feel like she’s acting like an outside observer on our lives and doesn’t want it engage. Her sole focus is on lunch with her friends, girls weekend with her friends, yoga with her friends, etc.
So to tonight..obviously this has been building. We’re looking at putting two kids through college and I’ve been pressing that it’s time to get a job. Just a minimal income over the next 7 years to supplement what I make really could move the needle. The youngest will be driving n 6 mths and I work from home…so we don’t need the mom shuttle any more.
She blew up. “I haven’t worked in 20 years”..”nobody would hire me”. She mentioned a few things and said “I don’t want to do that” to which I responded “ Do you think I do what I do because I want to? No…I have no choice”. As you can imagine it didn’t go well.
I post this as therapy as I doubt I’ll get any real actionable opinions. But just want wanted to read the room. Am I the a-hole here? What should I do?
144
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:04 am to SquatchDawg
what i wrote was was wrong bc i didn't read the thread
i encourage you to keep trying to make it work for the sake of your children and the vows you took before God Almighty
Don't Give Up
God Bless
and I'm sorry for what I said earlier again
i encourage you to keep trying to make it work for the sake of your children and the vows you took before God Almighty
Don't Give Up
God Bless
and I'm sorry for what I said earlier again
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 1:53 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:06 am to 214
You very clearly didn’t read my post. I don’t blame you.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:07 am to SquatchDawg
Was she sober tonight.....I think you did the right thing to bring up the situation, especially if she's not as active in the wife/mother role....the drop off seems real. Maybe see if she can talk to somebody to increase her want to get back to doing different things
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:08 am to SquatchDawg
I'm no psychiatrist, but this seems like a clear case of depression.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:09 am to SquatchDawg
Good luck man but this doesn’t come across as a story with a happy ending.
Probably not a whole lot you can do to fix anything if she’s not willing to come to that conclusion on her own.
Probably not a whole lot you can do to fix anything if she’s not willing to come to that conclusion on her own.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:10 am to SquatchDawg
She sounds down and still dealing with life (losing loved ones specifically). She has to find something’s to alter her drinking as her crutch. She will become more optimistic and have more energy to pick up on responsibilities. Prayers help. But it’s a process. You gotta continue to be supportive when she has good days.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:10 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
Her sole focus is on lunch with her friends, girls weekend with her friends, yoga with her friends, etc.
I know this board jokes about shite like this, but you better pay close attention to this. Next step is cheating, or at least seeking the attention of others besides you. Be careful, Baw.
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 12:11 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:11 am to SquatchDawg
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:11 am to SquatchDawg
She needs to see a therapist. She seems depressed since her parents died.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:13 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
Also, she’s drawn back from all of the mom things. Taking care of the house, taking care of her husband, cooking, cleaning….all of it. Coming up with a “meal plan” for everyone is point of contention. She complains to me about what our sons do like she has no influence. I feel like she’s acting like an outside observer on our lives and doesn’t want it engage. Her sole focus is on lunch with her friends, girls weekend with her friends, yoga with her friends, etc.
I don't recommend asking her what would happen if you did your job like she did hers.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:16 am to Oates Mustache
quote:
know this board jokes about shite like this, but you better pay close attention to this. Next step is cheating, or at least seeking the attention of others besides you. Be careful, Baw.
I’ve had this shite in high alert…but she’s so mentally anti-sexual at this point (pre meno) that I would be shocked if she slipped off. But I don’t discount antything at this point.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:17 am to Oates Mustache
Came here to say the same.
2 huge life changing events
Withdrawing
Substance abuse
Can’t complete responsibilities are all clear signs.
Be a husband, take her to a therapist and get her some help. I’d think people married 25 years would understand that when a spouse changes that much, it’s not normal and needs to be helped.
2 huge life changing events
Withdrawing
Substance abuse
Can’t complete responsibilities are all clear signs.
Be a husband, take her to a therapist and get her some help. I’d think people married 25 years would understand that when a spouse changes that much, it’s not normal and needs to be helped.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:19 am to SquatchDawg
Thats some real shite there. I can empathize a little to having a mother who most of the time felt more like an older disinterested sibling than a parent. Sucks for your boys. The dying parent thing is tough. No way that doesn't change a person but you'd hope it would make them a better person.
Only thing I can say is try and find someone you trust who knows your family and ask them how they see things from their point of view. Possible they can see something you're missing. Someone that can be brutally honest.
Only thing I can say is try and find someone you trust who knows your family and ask them how they see things from their point of view. Possible they can see something you're missing. Someone that can be brutally honest.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:19 am to SquatchDawg
If I had to give you any advice that you could possibly achieve on your own, it would be finding a specific thing you want to change and focusing on that thing. Asking her to go to work and participate more around the house as a mother and a wife is clearly more than she can handle, and you’re currently getting none of it. Instead focus on one thing and build from there. I’m not excusing her here, just pointing out what often works.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:19 am to SquatchDawg
Here are your two options:
1. Figure out a way to make the finances work without her having to get a job
2. Split up in which your alimony and child support will make it where she doesnt have to get a job.
She doesnt have to get a job. Ofcourse shes pissed. You made a deal. The kids are almost raised. Gonna have to give something up if shes not getting on board.
Im not saying its fair or that I agree with it. Im just saying, in my opinion, this is your option. Refinance. Sell the house move somewhere cheaper. Don't "put your kids through college" if you cant afford it. Let them take out loans or get tops or whatever.
You've promised more than you're able to deliver. You gotta find a way to back track on something.
1. Figure out a way to make the finances work without her having to get a job
2. Split up in which your alimony and child support will make it where she doesnt have to get a job.
She doesnt have to get a job. Ofcourse shes pissed. You made a deal. The kids are almost raised. Gonna have to give something up if shes not getting on board.
Im not saying its fair or that I agree with it. Im just saying, in my opinion, this is your option. Refinance. Sell the house move somewhere cheaper. Don't "put your kids through college" if you cant afford it. Let them take out loans or get tops or whatever.
You've promised more than you're able to deliver. You gotta find a way to back track on something.
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 12:21 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:20 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
I’ve had this shite in high alert…but she’s so mentally anti-sexual at this point (pre meno) that I would be shocked if she slipped off. But I don’t discount antything at this point.
What lights that fire is the excitement and newness of the attention. I'm happy you're paying attention and not discounting it. Vulnerable women almost put out a scent or alarm to sleezbags that love this challenge. Or worse, Facebook has made it easy to "just talk" with old flames from years ago.
This post was edited on 6/27/25 at 12:21 am
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:22 am to SquatchDawg
quote:
I’ve had this shite in high alert…but she’s so mentally anti-sexual at this point (pre meno) that I would be shocked if she slipped off. But I don’t discount antything at this point.
I don’t say this lightly, but you need to be prepared for the possibility that’s is all “you” in her mind. She may be perfectly sexual elsewhere but not with you. I don’t wish that on you or anyone else, but it’s incredibly common.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:24 am to SquatchDawg
She's severely depressed. Get her into therapy and on some meds.
Posted on 6/27/25 at 12:25 am to slackster
quote:
I don’t say this lightly, but you need to be prepared for the possibility that’s is all “you” in her mind. She may be perfectly sexual elsewhere but not with you. I don’t wish that on you or anyone else, but it’s incredibly common.
Yup. frick, I joke around here when the cheating threads come up here, but this is a poster. I'm sorry he's going through this, but his post about being focused on her friends and girls weekends is a major red flag for infidelity. This thread makes me sad.
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