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re: Divorce Board Spin-Off: If you have been married, why did you get married?
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:13 pm to BluegrassBelle
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:13 pm to BluegrassBelle
I've been with my husband for 32 years. 25 Married. I wanted a family. Found a man that made me feel safe and that I could be myself with. We both came from intact families and shared that as an ideal. We both wanted to have children one day.
I don't believe in the one true soul mate concept of romance. I do believe in myself and in my husband's ability to follow through on commitment towards our ideals of family and trust in our ability to attain the skills required along the way.
If you forgive my crass analogy, I can walk into a dog shelter and as long I have an understanding of what I need (ie, non aggressive, etc.) I am confident I could walk out of there with about any dog and I will love it.
Don't get me wrong. I've been through some shite with this man too. There are times when I questioned if I even LIKED him. My secret sauce is this: 1) be able to discern my own needs. 2) being able to communicate them in a non-critical manner AT the right time. 3) Apologize after a fight. Even if you feel like the "facts" are on your side you still contributed to the escalation in some way. Always repair. Stuffing down emotions breeds resentment. 4). Give him some 'wins'. Show gratitude when your spouse gets stuff right.
I don't believe in the one true soul mate concept of romance. I do believe in myself and in my husband's ability to follow through on commitment towards our ideals of family and trust in our ability to attain the skills required along the way.
If you forgive my crass analogy, I can walk into a dog shelter and as long I have an understanding of what I need (ie, non aggressive, etc.) I am confident I could walk out of there with about any dog and I will love it.
Don't get me wrong. I've been through some shite with this man too. There are times when I questioned if I even LIKED him. My secret sauce is this: 1) be able to discern my own needs. 2) being able to communicate them in a non-critical manner AT the right time. 3) Apologize after a fight. Even if you feel like the "facts" are on your side you still contributed to the escalation in some way. Always repair. Stuffing down emotions breeds resentment. 4). Give him some 'wins'. Show gratitude when your spouse gets stuff right.
This post was edited on 2/23/24 at 3:18 pm
3
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:41 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
TigerBaitOohHaHa
You sound like a keeper
Posted on 2/23/24 at 3:59 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
don't believe in the one true soul mate concept of romance. I do believe in myself and in my husband's ability to follow through on commitment towards our ideals of family and trust in our ability to attain the skills required along the way.
If you forgive my crass analogy, I can walk into a dog shelter and as long I have an understanding of what I need (ie, non aggressive, etc.) I am confident I could walk out of there with about any dog and I will love it.
i said something along the same lines to my wife once. didn't go over well.
to your analogy, i don't think i could walk out with ANY dog and love it, but i'd only be entertaining dogs i was interested in bringing home.
as a christian, i didn't date a whole ton (your pool is much smaller if you have those standards) and my wife is the only woman i've ever slept with. i dated 5 girls from HS to getting married in college at 21.
3/5, i'm very confident i could still be married to today, happily. the journey would be different, but our morals and goals lined up.
the two i didn't marry (a very submissive quiet woman who was very pretty and friendly, but boring... and a very assertive career oriented woman who was a bit too forward for me) would have never worked out.
actually out of curiosity, i just looked up the more career oriented one and she has her PHD and is a consultant that posts daily on linkedin about her travels. Genuinely a great person but I couldn't be married to her. She got married but has no kids.
Posted on 2/23/24 at 4:27 pm to TigerBaitOohHaHa
quote:
Even if you feel like the "facts" are on your side
Another thing is that, a significant amount of the time (but certainly not ALL the time), the facts don't even really matter.
Being frame by frame accurate about the events leading up to an argument or hurt feelings is not really that helpful in maintaining a healthy relationship.
If you trust the person sufficiently, you should realize that if they say "when you did X or you said Y, that pissed me off" it doesn't REALLY matter if their recounting of X or Y is a little off from what you remember.
If you don't trust them enough to believe they are genuinely upset/hurt by what they say they are and are just making shite up, then the solution is to not marry be married to that person.
This post was edited on 2/23/24 at 4:34 pm
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