UT Press Release

Texas announced today that it has decided to remain in the Big XII conference, while at the same time joining both the Pac-12 and Big Ten conferences. At today’s press conference, UT Athletic Director DeLoss Dodds outlined a plan that will involve Texas playing four games against Big XII opponents, four games against Pac-12 opponents, and four games against Big Ten opponents. All games will be televised on The Longhorn Network.

To accommodate UT's abbreviated conference schedules while giving it an opportunity to vie for league titles, all three conferences have agreed to place Texas in five-team divisions. The "Bevo Division" of the Big XII will include Texas, Baylor, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, and Oklahoma State. The "Hook 'em Division" of the Pac-12 will include Texas, Colorado, Utah, Arizona, and Arizona State. The "Smokey Division" of the Big Ten will include Texas,Nebraska, Iowa, Minnesota, and Northwestern.

UT President William Powers enthusiastically endorsed the three conference affiliations. “The Big XII, Pac-12, and Big Ten were all such attractive options that we were really struggling with our decision," said Powers. "Then, we realized, ‘Hey, we’re Texas! What starts here changes the world!', so we decided to accept all three offers.”

Dodds fielded several questions about the manner in which conference championships would be handled, since, under the tri-conference affiliation, Texas could possibly receive more than one automatic BCS bowl berth, potentially pitting Texas against itself in a BCS bowl game, even the BCS championship game. "We've thought about that," responded Dodds, "but we don't see that as a problem. After all, as things shook out, Texas didn't have an opponent in the 2005 national championship game."

Baylor University president Kenneth Starr took the microphone briefly to announce that, while Baylor is fully supportive of Texas' triple conference affiliation, Baylor has no intention of waiving potential legal claims against Texas A&M if it joins the Southeastern Conference. When asked why Baylor would continue to object to A&M's SEC affiliation in light of UT's announcement, Starr smiled and said, "We don't really care what A&M does; it's just so damn much fun watching those Aggies twist in the wind!" At that point, the audience erupted in uncontrollable laughter, and the press conference was adjourned.

Texas A&M president R Bowen Loftin quickly responded to Texas' announcement by hastily calling a press conference of his own this afternoon. "We don't fully understand what is going on," stated Loftin, "but we're pretty sure it's a conspiracy between Texas, ESPN, Al-Qaeda, and the Illuminati." When asked why a school that hasn't won a divisional title in football, much less a conference crown, since the Clinton administration, and hasn't won a national title since Hitler invaded Poland, would want to join a conference that has produced the last five national champions, Bowen explained, "We're Aggies! We don't need, and usually don't have, good reasons for most of the things we do!" To demonstrate his point, Bowen bent over, grabbed his crotch, yelled "Squeeze 'em, Aggies!," gave a horse laugh, and executed an elephant walk across the room. At that point, the audience erupted in uncontrollable laughter, and the press conference was adjourned.

Efforts were made to reach officials of the Southeastern Conference for comment, but SEC's conference offices were closed today in annual observance of Rickets Awareness Day.