Columbia Admins Promise To Carefully Investigate…

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MANHATTAN, NY — After anti-Jewish protests erupted on campus this week, Columbia officials say they are investigating whether calls to murder all Jews on campus violate the university's conduct policy.

"I am deeply saddened by the attention these protests have drawn to our school," Columbia President Minouche Shafik said in a statement this week. "I wish our students could peacefully terrorize Jewish kids without the whole world coming down on them. But anyway, we're reviewing our speech policies to see if these totally normal ‘Let's Kill Every Jew We See On Campus' chants violate school policies."

Columbia joined the ranks of other American universities with massive anti-Jewish protests. School officials say they wish they could restore order on campus but that interfering would risk offending the people burning Jews in effigy on campus.

"Columbia is an inclusive school and we don't want to offend anyone," School administrator Barry Bertram told reporters. "For that reason, we've banned all Jews from campus to make Columbia a safer place for protestors to chant ‘From The River To The Sea, Let's Kill All The Jews'."

As of publishing time, Columbia officials had announced they would be moving all classes online to make it safer for protestors to harass Jews from the comfort of their homes.

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