Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence full review (super long and spoiler-laden)

Let me preface this thread by saying that I watched the first HC movie and actually liked it. It was a pretty good movie (with an albeit fricked up premise). So I was kinda expecting the second one to be at least decent. Man, I could't have been more wrong. So I'm gonna save you the experience and time of watching this atrocious piece of shite, and explain what happens in the movie...and seriously, read it all. You'll think I'm making it up.

Okay, so the basic premise of this one is that there is this deranged parking garage attendant, Martin, who is obsessed with the first HC movie. He watches it constantly, even at his office in the parking garage, and even jerks off (using sandpaper) sometimes while watching it. He's middle-aged and is mentally unstable (fricking clearly), not to mention obese and borderline retarded. He lives at home with his mom, who obviously treats him like shite. His dad is in prison for sexually abusing Martin. Oh, also, his doctor also sexually touches him and is always staring at him and wanting to get up in his butthole. He has a scrapbook of screenshots taken from the first movie, along with pictures of the main actress from the first movie. Oh, and he also has a centipede as a pet, and he feeds it bugs and moths and shite with a pair of tweezers. And we get to see that up close several times for some reason.

Okay, so apparently his goal is to create the same kind of human centipede as the first movie, only with 12 people. Well, he works in a parking garage (and apparently the cops in this town are idiots because there never seems to be any sort of reprecussions whatsoever for any of this dude's actions), so what better place to get participants for this new HC than there, right?

So he attacks people who have the misfortune of preferring covered parking. Sometimes he fricks up and attacks them too hard, killing them. But mostly he just smacks the shite out of them in the head/face with a crowbar (his weapon of choice) or shoots them in the leg (he does have a pistol as well). Nobody in this parking garage is safe. Go out for a night of drinking and head back to your car? You're fricked. A couple with a baby? fricked (kidnaps the couple but leaves the baby in the carseat). Pregnant lady trying to get to her car? fricked. You're two sluts who see him jerking it with sandpaper? fricked. He even kidnaps a cab driver and prostitute (who was servicing his doctor at the time of abduction, and he shoots his doctor in the dick and head). Etc.

Once he fricks you up, he loads you into his creepy "I have candy" kind of van and takes them to some warehouse place he rented (basically just a big warehouse-ish room, maybe 30x50 feet or so...and by rented, I mean killed the owner and took his warehouse), strips their clothes off, ties them up, and leaves them there until he has all 12. Every now and then someone wakes up and cries a lot, but he just smacks them again with the crowbar and moves on. This movie is notorious for the article on Cracked.com about "Injuries movies think you can survive" and the points it makes.

So he gets the majority of the group, and...wait, did I mention that the last piece of his puzzle is the actual actress from the first movie? Yeah, he somehow convinces her agent to visit him for a potential part or some shite like that. It's hard to figure out just what is happening with that because....

..there is almost no dialogue in the movie. Like maybe 10 lines total, most of which are people talking before Martin assaults them and then the actress's agent on the phone. Martin doesn't actually speak one single line of dialogue I'm pretty sure. He just groans, moans, giggles, and makes other weird noises. The whole movie.

Anyway...so he gets people from the garage to use. Gets his upstairs neighbor (who always plays his music too loud, then when Martin's mom bangs her broom on the ceiling, he comes to their apartment and yells and curses at them) to come down one night, and beats him with the crowbar. Oh, and this is right after he beats his mom's face into a pulp (quite literally, and we see it happen) with the crowbar. But she was a bitch, so I was down with him on that.

Okay, so finally he has his 12. But a couple people die during the process (including the pregnant woman), so he's left with 10 people. He cuts everyone's tendons in their knees to prevent escape (which is clearly much easier to do than doctors make it seem), and also bashes/pulls out all of their teeth. His obsession with the actress from the first film leads him to put her first in the Pede (she was last in the first film) so she doesn't have to eat shite. He then attaches the others by stapling their mouths to the person in front of them's butthole. Yes, staples. With a staple gun. When the actress starts yelling, he rips out her tongue with a pair of pliers. He eventually forces a tube down her throat and forces her to eat soup. Then he injects her and everyone else with a laxative to help the process.

Oh, and Martin is in only tighty whiteys at this point (and it's not the first time we've seen him in them, FYI).

(continued...I promise I'm not making this up)