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Message
re: Is this a red flag? ie: dating and dealing with girl's mom
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:12 pm to Mike da Tigah
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:12 pm to Mike da Tigah
Mike
SHE IS TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD !!!
That's not a young lady anymore.
SHE IS TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD !!!
That's not a young lady anymore.
1
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:15 pm to Mike da Tigah
quote:
The problems are a direct result of the lack of commitment.
Commitment before acknowledging problems and seeing how they are solved results in divorce.
quote:
If they got married, and mom still tries to pull this when there's a marriage involved, then she's way off base.
What if wife doesn't have a problem with it and it drives the husband insane. Into resentment... It can be avoided by simply talking it out. If it's something that looks like it will change after a commitment? Sure, if you're up for it.
quote:he doesn't have to show you shite, tbh. I show respect to my inlaws bc I like them, not bc I'm forced to. If I didn't like them, I wouldn't be with her. Bc they are there for live once you choose to marry her. Even after divorce.
Until then, yeah, and from a parents perspective, show you are more than just a walking hard on looking for a place to put it and you think my daughter is better than your tube sock.
I didn't care for things similar to what the OP is talking about. I discussed them. Saw the problems would be corrected. Proceed with relationship.
It's not about being a hardass and putting your foot down. It's about knowing what you can/can't handle in a relationship. Nobody is perfect, but if those imperfections are something that you can't look past, correct them or move on. Save both people the trouble.
This post was edited on 3/2/14 at 4:18 pm
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:16 pm to lsuwontonwrap
Sounds like you're Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond 
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:18 pm to Champagne
quote:
Mike
SHE IS TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD !!!
That's not a young lady anymore.
Roger that, and when she's 38, she's still going to be her Mother's pride and joy, and still respected as a person and not a place to stick your dick in only. That shite never changes, and neither does a mother's desire to see her daughter make good choices for her future rather than turning a blind eye to it and not wanting to be the heavy, or wanting to be a best little buddy than a parent concerned for their well being.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:21 pm to MikeBRLA
It's a HUGE red flag .... no ...... it's a stop sign ....
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:22 pm to Mike da Tigah
quote:
and when she's 38, she's still going to be her Mother's pride and joy, and still respected as a person and not a place to stick your dick in only.
It's very disrespectful to drop in to ones house uninvited. The mom doesn't respect her daughter as adult.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:22 pm to Mike da Tigah
So you think the mother's overbearing, controlling actions are totally ok and normal??
Did you see where the mom invited herself on an outing the guy and his gf were going on? Please tell me how that is considered a-ok in your eyes?
The guy says he's been seeing her 7-8 months. At that point(esp in your later 20s), you know if things are of a serious nature. You start thinking long term and if you could one day see a marriage later on.
Did you see where the mom invited herself on an outing the guy and his gf were going on? Please tell me how that is considered a-ok in your eyes?
The guy says he's been seeing her 7-8 months. At that point(esp in your later 20s), you know if things are of a serious nature. You start thinking long term and if you could one day see a marriage later on.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:23 pm to RBWilliams8
quote:
Commitment before acknowledging problems and seeing how they are solved results in divorce.
NO
Seeing a marriage as a "what do I get out of it" grab bag, and fuzzy feeling rather than a commitment you live up to ends in divorce, and unfaithfulness, because like everything these days from church to relationships, to what we promise, it's almost always more hinged on 1) whether it's convenient or not, 2) Makes ME feel good, and 3) what do I get out of it. It's not a fairy tale and the words mean something, but two people have to mean it, not just one of neither.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:26 pm to lsunurse
quote:
So you think the mother's overbearing, controlling actions are totally ok and normal??
Yeah, it's quite natural for someone who loves someone else to be very concerned for them, and especially when they see something that might very well present a real danger to them and that happiness long term.
Yeah, that's quite natural for a mother.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:28 pm to MikeBRLA
quote:
It's very disrespectful to drop in to ones house uninvited. The mom doesn't respect her daughter as adult.
Maybe she isn't.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:32 pm to Mike da Tigah
quote:
Maybe she isn't.
Maybe who isn't what?
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:33 pm to Mike da Tigah
Sorry but that's not normal behavior.
The mother is clearly being overbearing and controlling because she has always been that way and will always continue to do that until the daughter demands the respect she deserves as a grown adult.
The OP is wise to see this as a red flag and question this behavior. Mother in laws like that can destroy a marriage cause they fail to respect that a marriage has no place for a mother to help run it. I highly doubt this mom will stop her behavior once the couple marries. She'll find something else to exert control over.
The mother is clearly being overbearing and controlling because she has always been that way and will always continue to do that until the daughter demands the respect she deserves as a grown adult.
The OP is wise to see this as a red flag and question this behavior. Mother in laws like that can destroy a marriage cause they fail to respect that a marriage has no place for a mother to help run it. I highly doubt this mom will stop her behavior once the couple marries. She'll find something else to exert control over.
This post was edited on 3/2/14 at 4:34 pm
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:34 pm to lsuwontonwrap
quote:
mom decided to do a "pop in" at 8am
Don't matter, had sex
quote:
my girl tells me that we should probably just spend the night at my place from here on out
Don't matter. Still gonna have sex.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:36 pm to Mike da Tigah
quote:
That shite never changes, and neither does a mother's desire to see her daughter make good choices for her future rather than turning a blind eye to it and not wanting to be the heavy, or wanting to be a best little buddy than a parent concerned for their well being.
I think you're confusing her desire to help her daughter make good decisions, and the mom wanting her to live her life like SHE(mom) wants.
If I would've listen to my mother's "advice", I wouldn't have the life I have today. Being older, or a mother or father doesn't automatically make one wise. A lot of the time, it's simply clinging to the past, and the control they once had, that they have lost.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:40 pm to ZZTIGERS
quote:
I think you're confusing her desire to help her daughter make good decisions, and the mom wanting her to live her life like SHE(mom) wants.
OK, let's say it's not. We still have a single female living alone and, maybe in a sketchy neighborhood, or maybe not. Maybe she has issues nobody knows about but mom. Maybe naive and quite easily manipulated. Maybe she made bad choices in the past.
Every one of these are very rational reasons for a mom to check on her daughter who lives alone. This is not out of the norm here. To the contrary, it's quite understandable, especially in the times we live and where we live. The world is full of predators, and that's no stretch. It's the world we live in today. It's a very real concern.
This post was edited on 3/2/14 at 4:47 pm
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:47 pm to Mike da Tigah
quote:
OK, let's say it's not. We still have a single female living alone and, maybe in a sketchy neighborhood, or maybe not. Maybe she has issues nobody knows about but mom. Maybe easily manipulated. Maybe she made bad choices in the past.
Wow. You really are making quite a few assumptions there.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:50 pm to MikeBRLA
quote:
Wow. You really are making quite a few assumptions there.
Those aren't assumptions. They are quite plausible possibilities. All except one, and that's a single female living alone. That in and of itself is reason enough for a mother to check in on her daughter this day and age.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:51 pm to Mike da Tigah
quote:
From what I've gathered from the situation here, we have a guy who just started seeing this girl and seems more concerned with her mother coming over interrupting the sex thing than the girl, even to bring this and her up on the OT. There is no respect there. And for the mother, I'd say that unless and until he's proven he is more than a walking hard on, she isn't going to respect that. You can't judge a relationship between mother and daughter until there's is an acceptable commitment that puts the mother and daughter relationship on the back burner in lieu of the committed relationship. That doesn't come from a few months in the sack.
She's TWENTY EIGHT YEARS OLD. You act as if she's 18 still living off of her parents.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:51 pm to Mike da Tigah
quote:
OK, let's say it's not. We still have a single female living alone and, maybe in a sketchy neighborhood, or maybe not. Maybe she has issues nobody knows about but mom. Maybe she made bad choices in the past.
Every one of these are very rational reasons for a mom to check on her daughter who lives alone. This is not out of the norm here. To the contrary, it's quite understandable, especially in the times we live and where we live. The world is full of predators, and that's no stretch. It's the world we live in today. It's a very real concern.
It's certainly plausible. I don't know the situation personally, but as far as the actions of the mother goes, I've seen, firsthand, mothers & fathers unable to let go, and accept the power or control they once had over their children is gone. Now, are the children encouraging this behavior? Perhaps, and if that's the case they bring it on themselves. But, if it is unwanted, they need to learn to let go, or risk ruining their relationship with their adult child.
With the OP's situation, it certainly might be that the daughter is unwilling to speak up or encourages the mother's behavior.
Posted on 3/2/14 at 4:56 pm to Mike da Tigah
quote:
Those aren't assumptions. They are quite plausible possibilities. All except one, and that's a single female living alone. That in and of itself is reason enough for a mother to check in on her daughter this day and age.
Checking in doesn't mean coming over unannounced. Checking in would be a phone call asking if everything is ok bc she hadn't heard from her daughter in an unusually long period of time. Your failure to see the difference is clear by your posts in this thread.
Coming over to another adult's house uninvited and unannounced is rude. Period.
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